


The Second Best Thing

by adraztea



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: AU, All Human, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Mental Health Issues, References to Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-15
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-11-29 18:37:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 75,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adraztea/pseuds/adraztea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I might have been an orphan, but having a rock star for a brother saved me from being poor. My bright, shining future was waiting for me just around the corner. That’s when love and crime hit me over the head and changed everything. </i> </p><p>Since Buffy’s parents died in a car crash when she was twelve, her brother Angel has been the one in charge. (If “in charge” means “paying for expensive boarding schools”.) Buffy’s finally old enough to make her own decisions, but unfortunately having a choice about where she’s spending the Holidays is not one of them, at least not as long as her brother is the one paying for her shopping sprees and college tuition. It’s a good thing Angel’s band mate Spike is there to light up the Season...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_December_

”This is insane!”

I looked up from my book as my roommate stormed through our door. Cordelia marched straight over to the closet and began throwing her clothes on the bed. 

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, if you listen to my mother,” Cordelia answered while she continued transferring the contents of her closet to the bed. “I should have just known I was expected to join them on their annual Christmas cruise.”

“I thought they had been taking it without you since… well, since forever.” I closed my book, but kept my index finger between the pages as a bookmark, and sat up on my bed. 

“They have! And I had everything planned this year! I was going to stay here the entire holidays, drinking hot cocoa and listening to Christmas carols. And I was supposed to spend New Years Eve with Greg!”

Cordelia dragged her suitcase from its hiding place under the bed. She flipped her long, dark her from her face as she began filling the bag with her clothes. I knew how much Cordelia had looked forward to spending New Years with Greg.

“That sucks. When are they picking you up?”

“Picking me up? Oh, that’s too much of a hassle for them! They’re sending a car over. It’s supposed to be here any minute. Buffy, you’re so lucky you don’t have any parents!”

I didn’t answer. Sooner or later, most of my friends said something like that. I waited for it; and there it was---the shadow. It passed over Cordelia’s face for the fraction of a second. A world without her parents. Even though she claimed to hate them, I saw the truth in her eyes in that short moment. She would be lost without them. At this point, most people I knew would try to take their words back, to apologize. Not Cordelia. She never apologizes. It’s one of the many things that make her my best friend. 

“Yeah, well, I still have people who make my decisions for me,” I said to break the silence. 

“I know,” Cordelia admitted, and zipped her suitcase. “What time’s your plane?” 

“At two. Then I have to spend three weeks in Sunnyhell.” 

“With your dreamy brother and the rest of his band. Yeah, sounds disastrous.” 

I laughed. 

“Dreamy? Try tyrant-y.” 

“I don’t care what you say, I still think he’s drop dead gorgeous.” Cordelia swept her hand over the pictures on the wall as she walked into our bathroom. Her wall, her side of the room, was plastered with pictures of Vampire Truth, my brother’s band. Not the kind of decoration I would’ve chosen for my room. Angel, my brother, is not my favorite person in the world. When our parents died in a horrible car accident when I was twelve, he became my legal guardian and has done his best to make my life miserable ever since. 

“Are you coming to Sunnydale after the cruise?” I asked, raising my voice a little so Cordelia could hear me in the bathroom. 

“I’m not sure, but I don’t think so”, she replied. “Have you seen my Chanel lipstick? The dark red one?”

“Oh, I think I borrowed that yesterday. I’m not sure where I put it.”

I looked around the room, but I couldn’t see it. 

“Keep it, I’ll get a new one” 

“Thanks.” 

“Okay,” Cordelia said with a sigh and walked back into the room. “I’m ready. Packed in record time and ready for Christmas Fun on the sea.” 

“It won’t be that bad,” I tried. “Sun, alcohol and cute boys.” 

“Try sunblock, orange juice and lots of old sleazebags.”

I laughed. 

“Three weeks, and then we’ll meet back here again and compare horror stories.”

“That reminds me: try to stay away from all the losers of our dear old hometown. I don’t want any of that rubbing off on you.”

“I’ll do my best,” I assured her and stood up to give her a hug. “Call me if it gets too bad.” 

“I would, but you know how cell reception is at sea. My dad said it wasn’t even any point bringing my phone. Not that I would leave it!” Cordelia hugged me back. “Happy Holidays.” 

When she had left, I didn’t really feel like reading anymore. I dog-eared the page I was on before I packed the book in my hand luggage. The room felt empty in an entirely different way than just ten minutes earlier. I hadn’t realized how much I had depended on Cordelia being here over the holidays, on being able to call her all the time. Up until now, that was how we had spent every holiday since we were thirteen, a phone call the maximum distance between us. 

I looked at the pictures on Cordelia’s wall. My brother was fifteen years older than me, and when he found himself suddenly expected to take care of me, he was already a somewhat successful musician. He had started out by himself, but then he met Charlie Chase, Mr. Chase to everyone who wasn’t important enough. Within a month, we had moved from L.A. to Sunnydale, and Angel had started a rock band and hired Charlie Chase as their manager. It was a rough time for me, and it hadn’t been made easier when Mr. Chase had convinced Angel that the best thing he could do was to send me to boarding school. It was just lucky that Mr. Chase also thought his own daughter, Cordelia, could equally benefit from a school far, far away from home. We bonded over shoes and our shitty families. When it was time for college, we had both applied to the same school at the east coast and remained roommates, a continent between us and our families. 

“At least I already knew I had to deal with you over Christmas,” I told the picture. 

I looked at the others in the picture. Angel’s band mates. Over time they had become a bit like family to me, the kind of family you both hate and love. I wasn’t that fond of the two girls of the group, Darla and Drusilla, because both had a tendency to treat me like a child, even though I was all grown up. Spike was another thing. Next to Cordelia, I counted him as my best friend. We wrote long emails to each other, and occasionally talked on the phone. And if Cordelia thought my brother was the best looking one in the band, I personally preferred Spike. He had short, bleached-blond hair and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. It made my knees weak when he looked at me. Not that he was interested in me. Not only was he ten years older than me, he had also been dating Drusilla since… well, since forever. In the picture I was looking at, he had his left arm around her shoulders, looking at the camera with a leer on his face. She, on the other hand, was staring off to the right, outside of the picture, at something only she could see. To be honest, Drusilla was a bit odd. Sometimes I wondered from which century Angel had dragged her to join the band. I looked at my brother’s face in the picture. He was supposed to be the good one in the band, and his shadow had been manipulated in the picture to look like he had a pair of wings. Darla stood in front of him, but not in the way. Nothing could be allowed to come in his way. Not a sister, not a girlfriend. He had dated Darla in the beginning, but Mr. Chase had convinced him it was better for the business if he was single. I never understood why Darla stayed in the band after he broke up with her. I would never allow any man to treat me like that. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket, reminding me it was time to head out to the airport. I grabbed my bags and left. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

I sat on my pink suitcase in the arrival halls, waiting for my brother to show up. Another plane had landed and I popped one more piece of chocolate in my mouth as I watched the travelers reunite with their loved ones. I sighed and looked at my watch again. One and a half hour. I tried calling him again, but I just got his voicemail. He was probably on his way. I’d give him another half hour.

\- - -

I dragged my luggage behind me up the stairs and unlocked the front door. The house was unusually dark, without a single Christmas light up outside.

“Hello?”

No answer. 1630 Revello Drive looked pretty much the same as it had when I left in September. Dirty clothes, pizza cartons and empty beer bottles littered the entire ground floor. I walked through the rooms, but they were empty. 

“Angel?”

I walked up the stairs. My room was the first one as you came up the stairs, and I was a bit worried as I opened the door. I had done my best to keep my room a safe zone, but I never knew what it would look like when I returned after being away. Luckily, it seemed fine this time. 

I left my luggage by my bed before walking over to the main bedroom. The door was closed and I knocked before I opened it, but it was just as empty as the rest of the house, and just as messy. I looked into the guest room as I passed by it on my way back downstairs. It was empty, but obviously someone was staying there. I looked at the unkempt bed and the piles of clothes. That was strange. 

Back downstairs I halfheartedly lifted some of the beer bottles out of the way on my way to the kitchen. Usually, if Angel wanted to leave me a message when I was home, he left a note on the refrigerator, but there was nothing there. I sat down by the kitchen counter and tried calling him again. When I still didn’t get any answer, I dialed the number to the rehearsal studio. Angel had taught me never to call there, and a big lump formed in my stomach as I waited for someone to answer. 

“Yeah?”

The person on the other end was definitely not happy. It was also definitely not Angel, and that made me feel better immediately. 

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

He was still not happier. 

“It’s me, Buffy.”

“Buffy!”

Happier. I smiled. A crash in the background made me jump. 

“Spike, what’s going on?” 

“What? Going on? Nothing.” 

I could hear him closing a door and it became quieter. 

“Really?”

“Yes, _really,_ ” he mocked me. “Just… you know. Rehearsing.” 

“And how’s that going?”

“Well… Ehrm. So, why are you calling, kitten? Not that it’s not great to hear from you, but you usually never call here.” 

I knew he was avoiding my question, but I decided not to push it. 

“I’m looking for Angel. Is he there?”

“Yeah, he is, but it’s not a great time.”

“Why?”

“Creative process and all that rot.” 

If I hadn’t known him as well as I did, I probably would have believed him. Now I knew he was lying. 

“Spike, what’s wrong?”

He was quiet on the other end.

“Spike?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Can he call you later?”

“He was supposed to pick me up from the airport three hours ago.” 

“The airport? Shit. Pet, I’ll come get you. I just have to get my car…” 

“Don’t worry about it,” I interrupted. “I took a cab. I’m at home.”

“Okay. Good. It must’ve slipped his mind.”

“I’m sure it did,” I muttered. “Can I talk to him?”

“No. I was being honest, now’s not a good time.” 

This time, I was the one who didn’t know what to say. 

“I’ll make sure he’s home before midnight,” Spike continued. “I’ll see you then, okay?”

“Fine.” 

I hung up the phone and stared at it. It was one thing that Angel had forgotten to pick me up from the airport, but this? Something was up, and I had no idea what. It made me anxious. I couldn’t just sit there and wait for several hours, so I went back up to my room to unpack. I really needed something to do.

\- - -

I woke up with a start, my heart hammering in my chest. What was that noise? The rattling sound echoed through the house again. The front door, I decided. It seemed like someone was trying to break into the house. I got up from the couch where I had fallen asleep, and tiptoed to the window, hiding behind the curtain to see what was going on.

Angel. Of course. He was trying to fit the key into the keyhole, failing every time. Spike stood halfway up the stairs. He laughed and lit a cigarette. 

“How’s that going for you?”

“Perfescht,” Angel answered. “Absolutely perfe… There’s something wrong with it.” 

“The door or the key?”

“Both.” 

He stepped back from the door and stared at it, like he was willing it to open by itself. I decided to grant his wish and marched over to the door. When I flung it open, both men jumped back. 

“What the…” Angel started, but Spike was quicker. 

“Buffy! The queen of locked doors! You’ve saved us!”

“Shouldn’t that be ‘the queen of unlocked doors’?” I asked as I stepped aside to let them in. 

Angel stumbled on the threshold but caught himself on the stair railing before announcing it was best he found a bathroom. He made a strange wave in my direction as he walked, a bit unsteadily, up the stairs. 

“Probably should be,” Spike said and threw away his cigarette before stepping inside. “It’s good to see you.”

He gave me a hug. 

“I really shouldn’t hug you,” I told him while I gave him a big hug back. “I’m pissed at you.”

“That’s okay, I’m just pissed.” He laughed and I hit him lightly on the arm as he let go of me. 

“You told me you’d be back before midnight.” 

“Didn’t work out.” 

“I noticed.” 

The first film I had watched while I waited for them had ended at half past twelve, and I wasn’t sure about the other one. I had fallen asleep halfway through and now the DVD menu was playing over and over again on the screen. I went back into the living room and turned the TV off. 

“How’ve you been?” Spike collapsed on the couch and smiled. 

I rolled my eyes, a gesture completely wasted on him, as he didn’t even see it. 

“Tired. I should get to bed. It’s past three.”

“So? It’s not as it’s a school day tomorrow. Come sit here.” He slurred a bit at the s’s. 

He patted the seat next to him. Everyone has to have a weakness, right? Well, Spike’s mine. I sat down. 

“I’ve missed you, kitten.” He stroked my cheek and smiled. Those eyes should be illegal, I thought as he looked deep into my own. He turned away first. “Hey, you’ve cleaned the place up.” 

I looked at the room as if I hadn’t seen it before. The beer bottles were gone, as well as the empty pizza cartons and all the discarded clothes. I didn’t do well with just sitting around waiting. I had cleaned the entire house. 

“Angel’s going to be mad. I destroyed the ‘rock-vibe.” 

Spike laughed. I loved his laugh. 

“He’ll live. Come here, give me another hug.” 

He pulled me close to him. He smelled of cigarettes, alcohol and leather. He sighed, and… wait, did he just smell my hair?

“Spike?”

“Yeah? What?”

He sat up and looked at me as if he had just woken up. The thing with Spike was that he tended to get… affectionate when he was drunk. He’d call me pet names and hug me. Then he’d sober up and forget everything. 

“I’m tired. I’m going to bed, and you…? Are you going home or are you going to crash for the night?”

“I’ll crash.”

“O-kay. Well. Good night.”

Instead of staying in the living room, which I thought he would, Spike got up from the couch. We made our way up the stairs in silence. In the upper hallway, he leaned towards me as if he planned to give me another hug, but then he swayed back. 

“Good night.” 

He disappeared into the guest room and closed the door. I looked at the door for a moment before going inside my own room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated for a while, my computer died on me and it took me some time to get my hands on another one. New chapters will be posted at least once a week! :)

I was pouring milk into a bowl of cereals when Angel walked into the kitchen. He made a beeline for the coffeepot and took a large mug. 

“Hey sis.” 

“Good to see you too,” I answered. “Headache?”

“A little. Did you get groceries?” 

“Had to, there was nothing to eat.”

I had also gone out for a run in the morning, while everyone else was still asleep.

“Spike stayed in the guestroom,” I informed Angel and he grunted in response. He sat down at the counter and I leaned against the kitchen sink and took a spoonful of my cereals. 

“Sorry about yesterday,” Angel said eventually. “Had to deal with some things at the studio.”

“You could’ve called.”

“I said I was sorry.” Defense mode. Yeah, that was my brother all right. 

“It’s okay.” There was nothing else I could say. “I thought I’d get some Christmas shopping done today.”

“I have to be at the studio.”

“I think I can find my way around the mall by myself.”

“Good morning, everyone.” Spike walked into the kitchen with a smile on his face. “Good to see you.” He gave me a quick hug before helping himself to some coffee.

“I need a shower,” Angel informed. He left his mug on the counter when he left.

“I guess you noticed we didn’t get back before midnight,” Spike said and sat down on Angel’s chair. 

I raised an eyebrow before taking another spoonful, chewing carefully before I swallowed. Spike waited. I took another one, and he leaned back on the chair. 

“Hungry?” he tried. 

I continued to stare at him while I ate. 

“I guess you’re wondering what I’m doing here at…” he looked at the kitchen clock, “…a quarter to eleven in the morning. 

I shook my head and finished my breakfast. I turned my back on Spike and rinsed the bowl before I put it in the dishwasher. When I turned around again, he had an unlit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. 

“You’re not smoking that in here.” 

He smirked and took it out of his mouth. 

“Had to see if you we’re awake or just sleepwalking. Haven’t seen you in ages, and this is how you treat me?”

“Ages?” I couldn’t believe him. “Oh, I guess I was just imagining being woken up by the two of you at three in the morning then. Since it’s been ages since we last saw each other.” 

Spike actually looked kind of cute when his jaw dropped. I immediately chided myself for letting that thought get any attention. He was not cute; he was being annoying. 

“I take it I was…” He stopped, cleared his throat, and tried again. “Sorry for being a jerk last night?”

I hated that I could never stay mad at him. I sighed.

“You were fine last night, it’s now you’re being a jerk.”

“Sorry.” 

“You honestly don’t remember?”

“Waking you up? No, pet. Were you wearing something cute?”

“Oh, ha, ha.”

He smirked and drank his coffee. I grabbed the mug Angel had left and put it in the dishwasher. 

“I need to do some Christmas shopping, so I’m off to the mall.”

“Yeah? Can I come?”

“I thought you guys were going to the studio?”

“Angel said that?”

I nodded. 

“I guess we are then.”

He shrugged. I narrowed my eyes. He might try to look like he wasn’t surprised that Angel had decided they were going to the studio, but he didn’t fool me. 

“Spike, is something going on?”

“What would that be?”

“I don’t know. Something with the band?”

“Nothing’s going on with the band.”

He actually sounded honest this time. 

“Are you sure?”

He just nodded. I guess I had to trust him. 

“Okay. Good luck at the studio.” 

I left before Angel finished his shower.

\- - -

I usually loved shopping. If it had counted as a sport, I would be ruling champion. But shopping the last days before Christmas? Not so much fun. By three in the afternoon I still hadn’t finished, but I desperately needed a break. I fought my way to the food court and made my order before managing to grab the only empty chair I could see.

I tried to keep my shopping bags close to me, but people still managed to barge right into them. Finally I just gave up. So what if someone stepped on Angel’s Christmas sweater? I dug out my phone and texted Cordelia, “Xmas shopping sucks.” While I waited for her to answer I looked around. There were a lot of families and groups of friends sitting in the food court. Most people looked exhausted, but happy. And why shouldn’t they be? Because it was making me miserable, that’s why. I seemed to be the only one who was there alone. No, wait, there was someone else. I smiled a little at a redheaded girl, who looked about my age, who was sitting at a table all alone, her bags occupying the other chair. She didn’t smile back at me, but turned around and looked behind her. Great, she thought I was some crazy loner who smiled at strangers. Which I kind of was. 

I slurped up the last of the bright orange drink and stood up, gathering all my bags. In the corner of my eye, I saw the other lonely girl becoming less lonely, as another girl sat down opposite her. They were holding hands. I looked away and took a last look at the display of my phone, but Cordy hadn’t answered. I shoved the phone to the bottom of my bag. I still needed something special for Angel, and something for Spike.

\- - -

The basement was filthy. I dragged a pile of boxes from under the stairs and then promptly sneezed from all the dust. I was sure the boxes that contained Christmas ornaments had been marked last year, but now I couldn’t find them. It was none of the ten boxes I had gone through so far. I tried dragging the next pile of five boxes out from its hiding place, put the top box seemed to be stuck on one of the steps of the stair. I stared at the box.

“Don’t you dare,” I told it. “All I want is my Christmas decorations. I don’t want any more dust.”

I grabbed the stepladder we kept in the basement and climbed up on it, wiggling the top box to get it out. It was really stuck — and then it wasn’t. For a second, I felt almost weightless. I tried to grab onto something, but my balance was way off. I stumbled backwards into thin air. 

I stared up at the ceiling. Or what might have been the ceiling, if this had been a real floor of the house. What did you call it when it was just the underside of a floor? With pipes and stuff going around it. Pipes that seemed to be leaking. 

“Stupid Christmas,” I said. I was flat on my back, and my butt hurt. At least I had found the decorations. I was covered in glitter.

“What happened?!” Spike rushed down the stairs. “Buffy! Are you alright?”

I turned my head and looked at him. He must have just gotten inside the door, because he had his leather duster on. I tried to sit up. 

“I was looking for decorations. I fell.”

“No, don’t move. There’s glass all around you.” 

He was right. I must have destroyed every single ornament we had. I couldn’t stop the sob. 

“Where are you hurt? I’ll get an ambulance!” 

Spike was by my side in two seconds, phone already in hand. 

“I’m fine. I just…” I sobbed again. “I just wanted to make everything _nice_ , for…” I really hated crying; it made talking difficult. “For Christmas! And now everything is _broken!_ ”

“Hey, don’t cry.” 

Spike picked me up as if it was nothing, and I put my arms around his neck. The crying wouldn’t stop so I hid my face against his chest. He carried me upstairs to the bathroom and sat me down on the side of the tub. He took his duster off and laid it on the floor before getting the medical kit from the bathroom cabinet. He sure seemed to find his way around. While I sat there and acted like a stupid… girl who couldn’t stop crying, he picked the small pieces of glass from my hands. 

“You know what,” he said when he was finished. “Why don’t you take a bath, and I’ll clean up in the basement?”

A bath. That did sound good.

\- - -

I felt better when I walked back downstairs after the bath. Spike had managed to find the rest of the Christmas things and put them in a corner of the living room. He came out from the kitchen when he heard me on the stairs.

“Feeling better?”

“Mm. I see you had better luck than me with the boxes.” 

“You already slayed the tricky one. I can’t believe how many decorations you have.”

“What can I say, I like Christmas.” 

“I think ‘like’ doesn’t quite cover it.” 

“Maybe not,” I agreed and smiled. Christmas had always been a big deal in my family. Every year, my dad would put the lights up outside while Angel decided where they should be, and mom and I were in charge of the decorations inside. We had always given each other way too many gifts, and always left the decorations up way too long. It was one of very few family traditions Angel and I had kept, since it had been just the two of us. Usually all the lights were already up when I came home for Christmas, and then we would get a tree and decorate together. Come to think of it, where was my brother? I asked Spike as I started looking through the boxes. 

“He had to take care of some business. He’ll be home later.”

“Too bad. I had hoped we’d get the tree tonight.” 

Luckily, it seemed as if most of my best ornaments were still intact. The box I had dropped must have been one of the newer ones. 

“Let’s get a tree without him.” 

I looked up. Spike smiled at me. 

“Seriously? You’d get a tree with me?” I asked.

“Of course. You need your Christmas fix. Get your coat.”

\- - -


	4. Chapter 4

“How were you planning to get this home?”

Spike scratched the back of his head. 

“I might have not thought this through properly,” he admitted. 

It had been dark already when we had gotten to the lot where they sold the trees. It had taken us some time to find the perfect tree, but patience (me) and a lot of bad language (Spike) had helped us. That, and the owner’s flashlight. I had thought finding the tree would be the real challenge, but standing next to Spike’s car with the tree made it clear we still had some trouble ahead. 

“Maybe if we fold the backseat down?”

“It doesn’t fold, pet.” 

“It doesn’t? Seriously Spike, what kind of car do you have?”

“A classic.”

We had had that argument countless of times. He might call his car classic, but I called it scrap metal. 

“If we put it across the backseat? And leave a door open?”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Then you come up with some ideas.” 

He walked around the car, looking at it. Then he looked at the tree again.

“I can call a friend, see if I can borrow his trailer.” He sounded a bit doubtful. 

“You could put it on the roof. Do you need some rope to tie it down with?” The owner startled us both. He had dark clothes on, and despite being a big man we hadn’t noticed him approach. He stood by the gates to the lot, with a padlock in his hand, obviously getting ready to lock the place up for the night. 

“That would be great,” I decided. 

“Thirty bucks.” 

“Thirty dollars?” Spike exclaimed. “Mate, that’s too much.”

“I’m not the one who needs to get a sixty dollar tree home without wrecking my car.” 

He turned his back on us and clicked the lock shut. 

“Fine, we’ll take it.” 

If a man could growl, that was what Spike just did. I suppressed a laugh. The owner smiled and unlocked the lock. After handing us the rope, and getting paid, he locked the gate again and left, whistling a Christmas carol to himself. Spike’s eyes were very dark as he put his wallet back in his back pocket.

Together we managed to fasten the tree to the roof. Instead of his usual break-neck speed, Spike drove home carefully. 

“Ninety dollars for a tree. It better look good,” he said when we had carried it inside and put it in the living room. “I don’t want to see a single needle fall from it before April.” 

“It’s the best tree ever. You’re not going to believe the Christmasness of it once it’s decorated. Besides, I offered to pay for it.” 

“’Christmasness?’” Spike smiled at me. “We’d better get started then. And of course I paid for the tree. The least I could do.” 

I was a bit surprised Angel wasn’t at home yet, but I didn’t say anything. Instead, Spike and I decorated the tree together. When we were finished, Spike went to make some chocolate in the kitchen. I pulled my legs up under me on the couch. The tree was beautiful. 

“See, it’s brimming with Christmasness,” I told Spike when he came back to the living room. He sat down next to me on the couch and handed me a mug with hot chocolate, complete with marshmallows. 

“Definitely,” he agreed and sat down next to me. He seemed very much at home in my living room. I took a deep breath and put my mug down on the table before I turned to him. 

“Spike, can I ask you something?”

“Anything, pet.” He took a sip of his chocolate and smiled at me.

“You live here, don’t you?”

Between the things in the guest room and the many boxes in the basement, at least that’s what it looked like. He put a hand on the back of his neck and scratched his hair. 

“Yeah, sort of.” 

“What happened?”

“Dru kicked me out.” 

I recognized the tingling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I always felt when he and Drusilla broke up. Hope and hopelessness all wrapped up in one. 

“What happened?” 

“Same thing that always happens. She wanted something else. Someone else.” 

It really was the story of their relationship. Dru wasn’t the monogamous type. 

“Have you talked to her?”

“Not since… November, I think.”

“She’ll come to her senses,” I said. That was my job in our friendship, to keep his spirits up until they were back together again. No matter how many times they broke up. 

Spike laughed, a short, unhappy laugh. 

“Somehow, I doubt it. And to be honest, I don’t think I want her back this time.” 

“You don’t?”

“No. I’ve had enough. I knew it even before she met her latest obsession. I think she knew it too. Maybe that’s why it happened this time.”

I looked at him. He had finished his chocolate and put the mug on the coffee table, and he had his left foot up on the table next to the mug. His hair was a bit ruffled in the neck, from where he had scratched it, and he had glitter all over his black t-shirt from all the Christmas decorations. He looked so sad. It felt as if someone had grabbed hold of my heart and squeezed it, hard. I hated to see him like that. 

“You deserve better,” I said. He looked up and met my eyes. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I gave him a hug. “Much better.”

He put his arms around me. I could feel his heartbeat. 

“It feels good to hear you say that,” he said into my hair. “Even if I’m not entirely convinced that it’s true.” 

“Of course it is,” I answered. “It’s Dru that doesn’t deserve good things.” 

It was stupid of me to say that. I quickly apologized. They might have broken up, again, but Spike had never allowed anyone to say anything bad about his girlfriend. No matter what she did. His arms tightened around me, and then he let me go. 

“You might be right.” 

I stared at him. He smiled at the expression on my face. 

“I know you think she treats me like something the cat dragged in. I might love her, but I know it’s not the way a loving girlfriend should act.” 

I didn’t know what to say. Spike had never, ever, said anything that could be interpreted as negative about Drusilla before. I just continued to stare at him. At his beautiful blue eyes. At his lips. Suddenly my own lips felt so dry. I saw his eyes flicker down when I licked them. 

“Buffy…”

“Yes?”

Where we really sitting this close a moment ago? Spike moved his hand to my face, stroking my cheek before weaving his fingers in my hair. My own hands were resting by his abs. 

His lips were soft against mine. Then I felt his tongue, at first just touching my lower lip. I opened my mouth a little, and then we were really kissing. 

“Hello? Anyone home?”

Angel. Spike and I flew away from each other, just in time before Angel walked into the living room. He stopped right inside and stared at the tree. 

“Oh, wow, you fixed a tree.” 

Did I imagine it, or did he sound a bit sad? 

“We didn’t know when you’d be home,” I said and stood up. My heart was beating so hard I was sure everyone in the room could hear it. 

“It’s okay. It looks good. I’ll put the lights up outside tomorrow.” 

Spike cleared his throat.

“I can help you.”

We made some small talk, but I couldn’t stand still. Spike had kissed me. Or had I kissed Spike? And did it matter? It had definitely been kissage. I looked at him, but he looked completely relaxed as he spoke to my brother. And he had said he loved Dru. Oh my god, had I just attacked Spike? I had to get out of there. I blamed the late hour and fled to my bedroom.

\- - -

I couldn’t sleep. The moon was too bright; it lit up my entire room. Over and over again, I thought about what had happened. We had kissed. Right? It wasn’t just me, kissing someone who didn’t want to be kissed. Spike had kissed me, too.

Damn. 

I turned around on the bed and pulled my pillow over my head. This was torture. I should just go and knock on his door. Talk to him. 

Or maybe not. I threw the pillow across the room, with the only result that I had to get out of bed to get it. Spike loved Drusilla. I loved Spike. I was fucked.


	5. Chapter 5

The sun was high on the sky when I woke up, and the house was empty. There was a note on the fridge from Angel; they had gone to the studio. They sure worked hard. I briefly wondered how they had managed to convince Darla to give up her precious Christmas Eve ritual; lots of booze and no work. I made myself breakfast and looked through the cupboards to see what we needed for Christmas Day. Lots of things, by the look of it. Did they even eat? I wrote down a list before heading to the store.

\- - -

I was in the kitchen, trying to make sure the fudge didn’t boil for too long, when I heard Spike and Angel return.

“I still think it’s wrong,” I heard Spike say. 

“Hell it is. It’s the only way to do it. I’ll fix it before it’s a real problem.”

“It’s already a real problem!”

I looked out of the kitchen. They were standing in the middle of the hallway, facing each other. They looked as if they were getting ready for a fistfight. 

“What’s going on?”

They both turned around.

“Nothing,” Angel answered. “Band business.” 

I ducked back into the kitchen. I was sick and tired of all their “band business.” The angry footsteps that rushed up the stairs were a sign someone else had had enough of it as well. It took minute or so, but then Angel came into the kitchen and sat down. 

“It’s smells delicious. Do you want some help?”

“It’s okay,” I answered without turning around. I didn’t really feel like having him hanging over my shoulder. 

“Do we need anything more from the store?”

“Not really, I think I got everything.” 

It hadn’t been easy, getting all the Christmas food home without a car, but two rounds to the store had taken care of everything. All we needed now was Christmas spirit. I wasn’t sure that would be taken care of as easily. 

“How was the semester?” 

“Really? We’re talking about school?”

I turned around and stared at him. He sat up a bit straighter. 

“Why not?”

“If you were interested in how I was doing, you could’ve called me while I was there.”

“I did!” he protested. “Didn’t I?” he added after a while. I shook my head. 

“It’s been a rough fall,” he said. 

“Poor Angel,” I said. “It must have been very lonely, touring the world with your famous band.”

“Don’t try to tell me you’re lonely.” 

“Of course not. I’ve got my friends. Why should I need any family?”

Spike walked into the room with a bag slung over his shoulder. He looked at me, then at Angel. We both looked at him as he dug out a packet of cigarettes from his jeans pocket and put one in his mouth.

“Anyone got a knife?” 

“A knife?” Angel asked. “Wouldn’t it be better with a lighter?”

“Thought I should cut the tension before I leave.” 

Great. Bad jokes. I turned around and took the fudge off the stove and threw the saucepan in the sink and turned the tap on at full force to drown out the words behind me. Spike tugged at my ponytail to get attention. 

“I’m going to my parents’ place for a couple of days. See you on Boxing Day.” 

“Okay. Merry Christmas.” 

He gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head before he left. So it was just Angel and I then. When I turned around he looked at me. 

“What happened to the fudge?” 

“It overcooked.” 

“Want some help doing some more?”

That was as close as he would get to an apology. I nodded.

\- - -

I absentmindedly took another piece of candy while Jack Skellington handed out inappropriate Christmas gifts on TV. Angel and I had actually had a good time, making all the candy. As long as we didn’t talk about anything important, we could get along just fine. He sat next to me on the couch, but he didn’t have his attention on the movie. Instead he kept checking his cell phone every two seconds.

“New girlfriend?” I asked. 

“Hm? No. Business.”

Always business. Sometimes I wondered if my brother even had a life outside his “business”. His phone rang and he left the room to talk. My own phone had been eerily quiet ever since I landed in Sunnydale. Guess Cordelia still was in a bad cell reception area. 

With “The Nightmare Before Christmas” on TV, the tree lit and the scent of cinnamon and chocolate lingering in the entire house, I was feeling better. I had even had the time to put Angel’s gifts under the tree, and of course a couple of small things in his stocking. My own stocking was still hanging empty next to his on the mantelpiece. We hadn’t had time to put up the outside lights, but Angel had promised we would do it first thing in the morning. 

“Buffy, I’m sorry.” 

I looked up. Angel was standing in the doorway. 

“What’s the matter?”

“I have to go to L.A.” 

I just stared at him. 

“What, tomorrow?”

“No. Right now.”

That’s when I noticed the suitcase. 

“What are you talking about? You can’t go to L.A. tonight. It’s Christmas.” 

He stepped into the living room. 

“I’m really sorry.” 

He sat down next to me on the couch and reached out to touch me, but I waved his hand away. 

“You’re leaving? Really? So what time will you be back? Lunch, dinner?”

“I’m not sure how long this is going to take, but I don’t think I’ll be back tomorrow.”

I got up. I had to get away from him. 

“You’re leaving for L.A., and you won’t be home on Christmas Day?”

“I told you I’m sorry, but I really have to do this.” 

I had never heard him say the word “sorry” so many times before. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t think ‘sorry’ is going to cut it. You’re leaving me all alone on _Christmas_ , of all times?” 

Angel got up from the couch. 

“I don’t have time for this. I have to go.” 

“Angel, you can’t do this.” 

He sighed and walked towards the door. I recognized his eye-roll; it was my own trademark expression when things were annoying me. 

“You’re honestly leaving?” I asked.

He picked up his suitcase. 

“Don’t be such a selfish brat, Buffy. You’re not the center of the universe. We’ll talk when I get back.” 

The door slammed shut behind him. When I heard the car start, I rushed to the window. Angel backed out from the driveway and took off. The bright colors of the neighbors’ Christmas lights reflected in the car’s sparkling paintjob, and then he was gone. 

When I turned around, I hit my knee on the coffee table. With a scream, I flipped it over, all the Christmas goodies scattering over the floor. I didn’t want it to be Christmas anymore. The candy, the gifts, the tree — they were all taunting me. I took Angel’s gifts that I had wrapped up so carefully earlier, and threw them around me. It felt as if I couldn’t breathe, but it felt good to do something, anything. The largest gift, the sweater, I threw at the tree. It swayed, the decorations clinking against each other. I didn’t stay to see it crash. I rushed out of the room, through the kitchen, and out the back door. I gasped in the cold air. I didn’t have anywhere to go, but I couldn’t stand to be in the house all alone another second. I nearly fell down the steps, but I caught myself at the last second, instead sitting down at the middle step. I put my head in my arms and cried.


	6. Chapter 6

“Buffy?”

I wiped my eyes and looked up. Spike was standing in front of me. I sniffled. 

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

He held up the small gift he was holding. It was wrapped in shiny blue paper, with a big, pink bow. 

“I forgot to give you your gift.” 

I sobbed even harder. Angel hadn’t even bothered getting me any presents. For some reason, that made it feel even worse. He really didn’t care about me at all. Spike sat down next to me on the cold steps and put his arm around my shoulders. 

“Hey, don’t cry. What’s the matter?” 

Somehow I managed to tell him, between sobs, that my brother had decided to take a vacation instead of spending Christmas with me. I could feel Spike’s grip on my shoulders hardening. 

“That wanker. Okay, pet, let’s go.” 

He stood up and held his hand out to me. I looked up at him. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m sure as hell not leaving you here all alone. I’m taking you home with me. We’ll pack a bag, and you’ll stay with me and my parents over the Holidays.” 

I took his hand and he pulled me up. He didn’t let go, but held my hand as we walked inside. He raised an eyebrow when he saw the state of the living room, but he didn’t say anything. At least the tree was still standing, despite my efforts destroy it. Once we were in my room, Spike helped me pack. When we were finished, he took my hand again, holding on to me as we walked to his car. 

As we came nearer to his parent’s house, I suddenly felt nervous. Essentially, I was crashing their Christmas celebration. Even though I really liked Spike’s family, and I was pretty sure his parents didn’t abhor my presence, this was a bit out of our normal way of spending time with each other. 

“What’s the matter?” Spike asked. I had no idea how he picked up on my thoughts. 

“This feels a bit strange,” I admitted. “I’m not sure Anne and Rupert want me in the middle of your Christmas dinner.”

“Of course they do. Besides, the house is so packed with people one more person’s not going to make a difference. I’m pretty sure they didn’t even notice when I left.”

Spike slowed down and came to a stop. We were still a good distance away from the house, but we couldn’t really get any closer. The driveway was packed with cars. I often forgot Spike had a big family. He was the youngest of five children, and the only son. When we walked up to the door, he took my hand again. 

“Don’t worry, luv. They are going to be happy to see you.”

Walking inside the Giles’s home was a bit like stepping into a barrier of sound. A couple of kids whooshed past us, screaming and laughing. Somewhere in the house, a TV was blaring the theme song of some series. I heard talking and laughing coming from all directions. It was crazy. 

“Mum?” Spike marched into the house, me in tow. “Mum, where are you?”

“In here!” Anne answered, and Spike steered us towards the kitchen. The kids rushed passed us again. It looked as if they were playing hide-and-seek. 

His mother was not alone in the kitchen. Two of his sisters were there as well. God, I hated the way they all looked at me with surprise written all over their faces. This was a bad idea. I Spike hadn’t held on to my hand, I would’ve turned around and left.

“I brought a guest,” Spike said. “Angel had to take off, and I didn’t want Buffy to be alone.” 

Anne wiped her hands on a kitchen towel and smiled at me before she dragged me into a big hug. She had an apron over a red dress, and her long grey hair was put up in a bun. 

“Welcome! It’s so good to see you again, Buffy. You look more and more grown up every time I see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Mrs. Giles,” I stammered. “I’m sorry for just showing up like this.”

“Nonsense! Of course you shouldn’t be alone at Christmas! We’re glad to have you! We’re only a bit short on beds at the moment, but we’ll figure something out.”

“She can stay in my room,” Spike said and my heart fluttered. “I have a sleeping bag somewhere.”

“Letting our guest sleep on the floor?”

She sounded shocked.

“Of course not,” Spike laughed. “She can have my bed, and I’ll sleep on the floor. Come on, Buffy, I’ll show you were it is.” 

He grabbed my hand again and led me out of the room. Spike snaked his fingers between mine as we made our way up the stairs. 

Spike had the smallest room in the house. It barely fit his bed, and that bed was really small. He put my backpack on the bed. 

“There, you’re all set. Are you ready to meet the rest of the clan?”

“I might need a visit to the bathroom first,” I said. I was sure I looked a mess after all that crying. He showed me where it was, right next to his room, and I met my own eyes in the mirror. They were a bit red, but it wasn’t all that bad. My cheeks were flushed, but that wasn’t from the crying. That was from holding hands. I used the toilet and then washed my hands and my face. The cold water made me feel a bit better. Spike was waiting for me when I came out. He took my hand again. 

Most of the family was in the living room. I had met them before, but not for any longer periods of time, and probably not all at the same time. I had a little bit of trouble keeping all the names straight. Lisa and Ruth were the girls who had helped in the kitchen, and they were the oldest, Lisa by two years over Ruth. Kylie was the second youngest, next to Spike, and Paula was in the middle. The husband’s names I might remember: Tom, Tyler, Frank and Robert, but I wasn’t entirely sure which husband belonged to which sister. When it came to the kids, I was truly lost. There seemed to be too many to count. Lisa had four kids, Ruth three and Kylie and Paula two each. The two oldest, who I think belonged to Lisa and Paula, were the ones who played hide-and-seek. They were ten and eight, and the rest ranged from three months to seven years old. All had definitely had had too much sugar, and too much Christmas. I didn’t even dare to think how the house would be in the morning, when Christmas presents were put into the equation as well. 

Spike’s dad, Rupert, gave me a hug and made room for me on the couch. Spike pressed himself down next to me as well. I liked Rupert. He was a shopkeeper by day, music artist by night. It was obvious where Spike had gotten his talent. 

No one acted like it was strange that I was there. They just continued talking amongst each other, sometimes asking me questions to get me to join the discussion. I liked the way Spike laughed when one of his sisters teased him, or the jokingly raised voices when they didn’t agree with each other. So this is what it felt like to be in a normal family. I guess this was the way my own family had been once. 

When dinner was almost ready, everybody helped set the table. It was a good thing they had a large dining room, because the table was huge. I sat down between Spike and Frank. Mostly, I just listened to the other’s conversation, laughing and smiling a lot. Paula smiled at me from across the table as the dinner was slowing down. The kids had been excused, and we could all hear them playing in the living room. 

“Is it this crazy at your family dinners too?” she asked. 

“No,” I said and passed the bread to Frank. “It’s just me and Angel, so it’s pretty quiet.”

“Oh, some peace and quiet at the dinner table, that sounds like heaven!” Anne said and Paula laughed.

“Never happens here,” she said to me. “Where’s Angel today?”

“He had to go to L.A.”

“Is it about Ch… Ow, William, did you just kick me?”

“Of course not,” Spike answered. “Must be one of the kids. Buffy, do you want anything else?” 

“No thanks, I think I’ve eaten enough to keep me going through the entire weekend. Thank you Mrs. Giles, it was delicious.” 

“Just wait till tomorrow,” Lisa said. “Mum’s Christmas dinner is legendary.”

“As is the lunch,” Tyler, or maybe Robert, said. “And the snacks.”

“And the candy,” Ruth said dreamingly. “Speaking of which, if we’re going to have any, isn’t it time to put the kids to bed? It would be good if they had some sleep before it’s time for mass.” 

“Yes, bedtime,” Robert, or Tyler, said. “I’ll get the rascals ready. At least some of them. A little help?” 

Most of the parents around the table got up. I helped Anne clear the table, together with Spike, Paula and Rupert. Spike and his sister took the first load out to Anne in the kitchen, and Rupert helped me load my arms full. I walked carefully to the kitchen. 

The voices in the kitchen made me stop just outside the door. 

“…it’s not like you had to kick me,” I heard Paula’s voice. 

“How else should I have stopped you from putting your foot in your mouth?”

“I don’t get it? What bad things were jumping out of my mouth?”

“Buffy doesn’t need to talk about Angel right now. He’s acting like a jerk, and she deserves a happy Christmas.” Spike said. “I found her crying outside their house, and I don’t want to see anything but a smile on her face from now on.” 

It was quiet for a bit. 

“You be careful now, William,” Anne said. “She’s very young.”

“Mum!” 

“Well, she is. And you’ve barely broken up with that girl of yours.” 

“She’s right,” Paula added. 

“Yeah, well…” Spike trailed off. “I couldn’t bloody well leave her there.”

“Of course not! You did the right thing – you’re a good person,” Anne answered. “But don’t do anything stupid.”

I backed away. With a deep breath, I pushed the plates in my arms against each other a bit to make some noise, and then I stepped into the kitchen.

\- - -

Even though I had liked the dinner with all the kids around, it was actually even better when they were all asleep. We were sitting in the living room, I had a glass of wine and the table was filled with candy. It tasted even better than the ones I had made and then thrown all around my own living room. I blushed a bit at the memory.

“What?” Spike asked and took a sip of his whiskey. 

“I’m just a bit embarrassed about the state I left my living room in,” I admitted. 

“Doesn’t matter,” he answered with a shrug. “At least the ninety dollar tree was still standing. That’s all I care about.”

“Ninety dollars!” Rupert said. “Was it made of gold?”

Spike laughed.

“No, we just hadn’t really thought the tree-shopping through,” Spike said before telling his family about our adventures in the tree lot. They way he told it, it really seemed amusing, even though I knew he hadn’t thought so at the time. 

It was a really nice evening. There was a fire burning in the fireplace, Christmas carols playing at a low volume, and lots of talking. As it grew closer to midnight, they woke the kids up again. The church was not far away, and I ended up carrying a sleepy child. Spike also had his arm full as we walked beside each other. 

“I’ve never been to mass,” I said. 

“It’s nice,” he said. “Filled with ‘Christmasness’.” 

I looked at him over the small blond head that was resting on my shoulder. Spike smiled at me, which made it seem like he didn’t make fun of me. At least not much. 

“Sure, the preachy thing can get a big long,” he added, “but as far as traditions go, this is one I like.” 

Spike hoisted the boy in his arms up a bit. Angel and I had never gone to church much, not since our parents died. The inside of the church was a bit of a surprise to me. The churches I had seen didn’t have quite as much gold in them. We found some places, filling up most of the pew. Lisa took the child I had been carrying, and the boy Spike had carried found his way to his siblings. I sat down next to Spike. 

It was a beautiful church. The paintings in the ceiling were stunning and I leaned my head back to see them better. They were very detailed, with angels and clouds and people. I pried my eyes away when the mass started, but it wasn’t long before I was back to studying the paintings. 

“My favorite is the angel with blue wings, over there,” Spike whispered in my ear and pointed discreetly at a painting by one of the pillars. 

“I like the one who plays the flute,” I whispered back and showed him where it was. He pointed out another, and then it was my turn. We were sitting so close it was easier just to put my head against his shoulder instead of leaning over every time we whispered. I had my hands in my lap, but then I felt Spike reach for my right hand. His fingers were painting patterns in my palm while we watched the paintings in the ceiling.

\- - -

The moon was still almost full. I watched it through the window as I lay in Spike’s bed. He was in his sleeping bag on the floor.

“I think mass is just a cheap trick to get the kids to sleep longer in the morning,” I said in a low voice. Spike laughed.

“Probably.”

“Don’t they know the best part of Christmas is waking up really early, sneaking downstairs while everyone else is asleep, just to see if Santa really ate the cookies?”

“I think they have this crazy notion about Christmas being about Jesus, not Santa.” 

“Crazy people,” I answered and smiled at the moon. 

“Is that what you’re going to do in the morning?” Spike asked. “Sneak downstairs to check on the cookies?”

“No, silly. This year I know all Santa’s cookies are gone.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because we ate them.” I giggled. I heard Spike chuckle as well. 

“Does that mean we’re Santa?”

“I think that you’re a little bit more Santa than I am. I only ate two, and you ate eight.” 

“Ho, ho, ho. Have you been a good girl this year, Buffy?”

“Of course. Did you bring me anything nice?”

I heard his sleeping bag rustle, and then he looked up over the side of the bed. His bleached blond hair was almost silver in the moonlight. I reached out and touched it. He heaved himself up, his arms on the bed. 

“Yeah,” he whispered. 

He closed the distance between us and kissed me. He tasted of cinnamon and whiskey, with just a hint of mint. My lips on his lips, his tongue touching my tongue. Then his hand in my hair, my arms around his neck. He got up on the bed without stopping the kiss. Which was good, because I didn’t want it to stop, ever. The bed creaked under us as he moved his body over mine. He was only wearing a pair of boxers, which was perfect, because I needed his body close, needed to feel his skin against mine. I wasn’t sure which one of us pulled my top over my head, but Spike threw it down on the floor. 

“Buffy…”

His raspy voice made me moan, and he kissed me even wilder, moving on from my mouth to my neck. When he reached my breasts, I moaned again. 

“Sssch.” He put his hand lightly over my mouth. I bit his finger, which made him twitch and stifle a moan of his own. Someone flushed the toilet in the bathroom just outside and I bit harder on his fingers to keep quiet. He pressed his hips into mine and I felt the entire length of him against me. Oh god. His breath felt hot against my ribs as he breathed out a low moan against me. 

“Spike… “

“Mm?”

He kissed my ribs and then continued down. 

“Aren’t I…” I paused for a moan. He looked up. As I met his blue eyes my entire body tingled. 

“Aren’t you what?”

“Too young for you?” Oh, stupid Buffy, shut up, I told myself. Don’t remind him. I bit down on my lip as his eyes darkened. Then he shook his head. 

“No. Don’t care.” More kisses. He stopped, lifted his upper body up with his arms. “Does it matter to you?”

I shook my head violently before I grabbed a hold of his hair and pulled him up to me, kissed him again. Deep kisses. 

“Need you,” I breathed into his mouth. This time he didn’t stifle his moan. It vibrated through me, making me moan in turn. I put my legs around him, pulling him closer. 

“Want you,” he whispered back. Then he showed me exactly how much.


	7. Chapter 7

I was alone in the room when I woke up. I stretched my arms out over my head and yawned. The sun felt warm on my body. I blinked in the sunlight before I reached for my phone. “Merry Xmas,” I texted Cordelia. “Having the best xmas ever. U?” I put it back, not waiting for a reply. I heard steps outside the door, and then the door opened carefully. 

Spike smiled when he saw that I was awake. He pushed the duvet aside and got into the bed with me, putting his arms around me. 

“Merry Christmas,” he said and gave me a kiss. 

“Merry Christmas,” I answered when he let me come up for air. “Is everyone else up?” 

“Yes. There’s breakfast if you want some.” 

I nodded. Spike hadn’t gelled his hair back, as he usually did, and his curls were hanging down into his face. I tugged lightly at them, just to see how they felt. 

“I like your hair.”

“Christmas special, just for you. That, and I forgot my hair products at your place.” 

I liked how he said “your place”, as if he was staying with me, not my brother. I hardened my grip on his hair and pulled his face down for another kiss. 

“As much as I would like to stay here,” he said after a while, “and I really want to, I think they are going to start wonder where I went soon. I just said I was going to wake you up.”

“Isn’t that what you are doing?” I asked and kissed his shoulder while I traced my fingers down his abs. He groaned before he leaned down and kissed me again. A couple of more kisses, but then he got up out of the bed. 

“I’ll see you downstairs.” He smiled when I protested, but not even a pout helped.

I got out of bed and got dressed. Every part of me still felt as tingly as it had the night before. Downstairs, the kids were in the middle of the process of opening the mountain of gifts that Santa had left under the tree. It felt almost surreal as I helped myself to some breakfast. I had never felt more at home than I did right then, despite that this wasn’t my family. They had taken me right in, even though they didn’t have to. 

Spike was sitting on the floor, helping some of the younger kids open their gifts, and I sat down in one of the free armchairs. I tried not to stare at him too much, but my eyes kept drifting back to him, even though I talked to the others as well. 

It was true, what I had texted Cordelia; this was the best Christmas ever. The house was full of people and I loved every minute of it. I was going to have a big family, I decided. This was how I wanted every Christmas of my future to be. 

In the middle of the day, we all packed into the cars and went ice-skating at a nearby ice rink. That was something from my childhood that I had loved, but almost forgotten about. I was a bit unsteady at first, but then I remembered the technique and made some pirouettes around Spike as he tried to keep straight. 

That evening, when the kids had gone to sleep surrounded by their new toys, we all sat in the living room again. I was a little bit sleepy, and somehow my legs had ended up in Spike’s lap. He was absentmindedly stroking my leg as he talked to Tyler about what it felt like being on the stage, sitting behind his drums. I liked hearing him talk about it, because it was something he loved. I smiled at him as he said his favorite part of having a gig was standing backstage, the minutes before it was time to go on. Anne looked at us and suddenly I felt very self-aware. 

“Buffy, could you help me get some more coffee?” 

It was the first time Spike’s mother had asked me for help with anything, and I immediately got up. Spike’s hand moved from my leg to my hip as I stood up and I could feel Anne’s eyes on us. 

In the kitchen, she put a hand on my arm. 

“I see that my son’s very fond of you.” 

“We’re best friends,” I said. “I like him a lot, too.” 

“I know you do, honey. Do you remember when you were younger? You had such a big crush on him.”

Oh, it had been that obvious, had it? I blushed. Anne turned around and started making some new coffee. 

“I love my son very much,” she continued. “But I also know him. He has been involved with that girl of his for a long time.” 

“They’ve broken up,” I said before I could stop myself. 

“Oh I know,” she answered. “Again. And before you know it, they’ll be back together. Again. That’s the way it works between those two.” 

She was right, of course. I had seen it happening again and again as well. 

“I’m just telling you this because I don’t want you to get hurt,” she said and turned to face me again. “I see the way he looks at you, and I want to tell you not to get involved with him. Don’t let those old feelings let you think that you’re in love with him. You’re an amazing girl, Buffy, and a whole lot better than that… horrible Drusilla. But that woman has gotten under his skin and I’m not convinced they’re quite finished with each other.” 

Of course, I should’ve listened. Instead I helped her carry the coffee tray and went right back to Spike.

\- - -

That night, as we lay close too each other in the small bed, I looked at Spike’s face. He had his eyes closed and his breath was even, but I knew he wasn’t asleep.

“What are we doing?” I asked in a whisper. 

“Sleeping,” he answered and I hit him lightly on the shoulder. 

“I meant you and me.” 

“Oh.” He opened his eyes and smiled. “I think we’re hugging. Naked.” 

“Ha, ha.” I smiled despite myself. 

He kissed me.

“We’re kissing...” he started. 

He moved his hands until one was resting on my back and the other on my right breast. 

“And touching…” he continued. 

He rolled on top of me.

“And having sex,” he concluded, and then that’s what we did.

\- - -

“I loved Christmas with your family,” I said as we drove back the next day.

“It’s great with all the kids,” Spike agreed. “Christmas really is for the kids.” 

“Yeah, it was nice to see them so happy”, I said. “And I loved my gift. Thank you.”

Spike had given me a beautiful bracelet. It was silver, with green pearls, and I hadn’t taken it off since I opened the present. I had gotten Spike a new guitar strap, and even though he had claimed to like it I felt as if the present he had given me was about a thousand times better. 

Angel wasn’t back when we arrived at the house. It was strange, but I felt both relieved and disappointed. Part of me wanted him to have gotten home to an empty house, just like I had done when I came home. The other part was just glad we had the house to ourselves. 

The living room looked the same way it had when we had left. 

“Seriously,” Spike said as he helped me lift the coffee table, “how did you manage to flip this over?”

It actually was a bit heavy. 

“I was angry,” I said. “I guess I’m strong when I’m angry.”

“Remind me never to make you angry,” he laughed. 

When we had cleaned up again, Spike fell backwards into the couch. 

“I’m not going to eat anything more before New Years,” he said. 

“Me neither,” I agreed. “Your mother is an amazing cook.”

“She really is. Did you know she worked in a restaurant before she met Dad?”

“No, I didn’t.” 

I sat down next to him and he put his arm around my shoulders. 

“She quit when she had Lisa. The owner begged her to stay, but she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.”

“My mom worked the entire time,” I said. “At a gallery.” 

He reached for my hand and weaved his finger through mine. I watched our hands. 

“What was she like?” he asked. 

“The best. She’d make me breakfast before school every morning. Pancakes.”

“You never have pancakes for breakfast.”

“I can’t make them,” I confessed. “They’re never as good as the one’s Mom made.” 

“Tell me more about her.”

“I don’t know. I don’t really remember much.” 

“How about your dad?”

“He worked a lot. Used to take me to watch skating. Bought expensive gifts.” 

“Were they divorced?”

“No. They just… had different priorities, I guess. To Dad work was the most important thing. Mom loved her work and she used to bring me to the gallery for the shows, but she never worked weekends or evenings. She spent time with me.”

“Angel never talks about your parents.” 

“We don’t talk about them at all,” I answered. “Sometimes it feels like we had different parents. Probably because he’s so much older than me. By the time I was five, he had already moved out.” 

“I’m really close to my family,” Spike said, and I nodded.

“It shows. Doesn’t stop your sisters from teasing you, though, does it, _William?_ ”

I laughed as he growled. 

“It’s Spike to you.”

“William. Will. Willy!”

He attacked me, tickling me until I could barely breathe. He sat with one leg on each side of mine, pinning down my hands with his knees. 

“Stop,” I managed to get out. “Please stop! I’m sorry!”

He stopped and let go of my hands, but he didn’t move. He panted. I giggled as I put my hands on his stomach, pushing him back a little bit. 

“I’m sorry,” I said again and smiled wider. “Really sorry. William.”

He tickled me again, and I laughed and tried to push him away. I squirmed on the couch as he found my most ticklish spots. My top rode up my stomach, and when his hands met my skin I didn’t really feel ticklish anymore. There was an entirely different feeling that brought on. I managed to get my hands out and put them around his neck instead. Pulling closer, not pushing away. As soon as our lips met he put his arms around my back and pulled me closer to him as well. I’m not sure how he did it, but he managed to get up from the couch and lift me up. I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me up the stairs. This time I didn’t have to be quiet.

\- - -

I lazily dragged my fingers over his back.

“Why don’t you like your name?”

“It’s just not who I am. _William_. Sounds so geeky.” 

“And you’re not a geek?”

He opened an eye and smiled back at me. 

“No. I’m a tough rock star.”

“Of course,” I agreed and played a bit with the curls in his neck. I really liked his hair in its natural state. If you could call bleached blond natural. “What’s your real hair color?”

“Brown. Can’t you tell?”

He curled his tongue behind his teeth and leered as I realized what he meant. 

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed,” he said and gave me a kiss on my nose. 

“Just because I don’t have your tons and tons of experience,” I said. I was teasing. At least a little bit. He bit my shoulder lightly. 

“I bet the college guys have given you an experience or two.” 

I blushed and looked away. Spike put his hand on my cheek and turned my face towards him before he kissed me again. 

“I love it when you blush.” 

Another kiss, and Spike made me forget everything else.


	8. Chapter 8

The smell of pancakes woke me up in the morning. When I came downstairs, Spike was just finishing the last batch. 

“Good morning,” he said when I sat down at the kitchen island.

“You made me breakfast?” I asked sleepily. 

“Yeah, well. Pancakes are good, right?”

“Definitely.”

I blinked to get rid of the burning sensation in my eyes. I couldn’t believe how sweet he was being. I tried a bite of the pancake and smiled at him.

“They’re perfect.” 

He made an exaggerated show of sighing in relief before he poured me a glass or orange juice. It was surprisingly easy to slip back into the same old banter we had had for years.

“Spike?” I asked hesitantly as he started cleaning up after our breakfast. He looked up from the dishwasher. I almost squirmed off the chair as I tried to think of a good way to talk about what I needed to talk about. About us. About what we were to each other. Were we still friends, or lovers, or friends with benefits? 

“Yeah?”

“I was just thinking,” I stuttered, “about… things.”

“What kind of things?”

He leaned over the counter and caught my hands to stop me from tearing the napkin I was holding into shreds. I focused on our hands. 

“Us. This.” 

He let go of me and leaned back against the sink. I gathered enough courage to look up at him. He looked serious. 

“I guess we should talk,” he agreed. 

“So…” I said after we both had been quiet for some time. 

“So,” he answered. He smiled a little at me and I released a breath I hadn’t known I was holding. He crossed his arms over his chest before he continued. “You said something the other day. About being too young for me?”

Stupid Buffy. I knew I should’ve kept quiet. I nodded and met his eyes. 

“The thing is, you have been. Too young, I mean.” He pushed himself away from the sink and paced the floor. “Feeling these things for a schoolgirl? Not so great. I’m ten years older than you. So I tried this whole friendship thing.” 

He stopped pacing and looked at me. 

“But I’m suck at being you friend, Buffy, because all I have thought about the last couple of years is shagging your brains out.”

I couldn’t stop the smile. I was sure my cheeks had turned pink, but for once I didn’t mind. 

“And I’m thinking,” he continued and caught my hands again, “that ten years… Well, what’s ten years, really?”

“Nothing,” I answered. “Just a number.” 

“Exactly. And I’m thinking, you and me? We’re more than friends.” 

My heart did a little happy dance in my chest. 

“If we’re more than friends, that would make us…?”

“Well, I don’t know how you feel about it,” he said in a tone that suggested he knew exactly how I felt, “but I feel that would make us boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, _man_ friend and girlfriend, but I’m not going to be picky about it.” 

The smile on my face actually made my cheeks ache a little. 

“That’s good to know,” I said. “I would hate to be in love with someone who doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. Sorry, _manfriend_.” 

He laughed and we both leaned forward, over the counter, and kissed.

\- - -

That evening I tried to call Angel. The call went straight to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I walked back to the living room, where Spike was playing guitar. He looked up when I came in.

“Don’t bite your nails.”

“Sorry.” 

I forced myself to stop and sat down next to him. To be on the safe side, I sat on my hands as well. 

“He can take care of himself,” Spike said and plucked on the strings. 

“I know,” I answered. “It’s just strange, this whole thing. Christmas is just about the only thing we both like. Why would he leave?” 

For a second, Spike sat still before he resumed playing. It seemed as if he tried very hard not to look at me. 

“You know something,” I said. He shook his head. “Spike!”

“Don’t know what made him go to L.A.” 

“But you guys had a fight,” I said. It felt is if I was on to something. “The same day he left.” 

“Just about the band,” Spike answered, still looking down at the strings of his guitar. 

“Is something going on with the band?” Things just didn’t add up. 

“Not a thing.” He put the guitar down. “Want to get out of here? We could go see a movie, or go to the Bronze.”

“You’re just trying to distract me.” 

He smirked and raised an eyebrow.

“Is it working?”

“No,” I said. Then I smiled. “Maybe. Any good movies playing?”

\- - -

The Bronze was packed. I didn’t recognize anyone, which wasn’t that strange since I had never really lived in Sunnydale, but a lot of people recognized Spike. He signed some autographs and didn’t have to pay for a single drink. I looked at him as two big, burly guys left, having had the honor of buying Spike a beer. He looked out over the crowd, a smirk in his face.

“You love this, don’t you?”

He almost looked ashamed and took a drink from his beer. Then he laughed.

“Well, yeah. I’m a big bad rock star. What’s not to love?”

I laughed too. Angel had worked very hard to be successful in music, but he never seemed to enjoy the fame part of it. He’d usually sigh and look tortured, and never went anywhere public he didn’t absolutely have to. Spike, on the other hand, soaked it up. Of course, he had the rock star look down perfectly as well, dressed all in black and with his usual black leather duster. A girl in an extremely short miniskirt went by us and smiled at Spike. When he didn’t even look at her, her smile turned into an angry snarl at me. I ignored her. 

“I bet you were the coolest kid when you grew up,” I said to Spike. “All the girls in high school falling at you feet.”

“Not really, pet.”

“That’s just because you didn’t notice them.” 

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

“No. Definitely not.” 

“You didn’t notice the girl two seconds ago.”

“Oh I saw her. She just wasn’t worth my time.” He put his arm around my shoulders. “I have my eye on a special girl.” 

“Really? Who?”

“I think you know.”

I smiled at him and took a sip of the strange green drink someone of his fans had bought me. It was pretty good. The music was pretty good, too. I finished the drink and pulled Spike with me to the dance floor. 

It was a really great night. The DJ played amazing music and every time we left the dance floor Spike’s fans sent us new drinks. The later the hour, the more fans had gathered enough courage to approach him. Finally even Spike had had enough and sneaked me out the back door. In the alley he lit a cigarette and leaned against the wall to the club in the early morning. 

“It’s a hard job being the best,” he said with a sly smile.

“I bet it is,” I answered. “All those fans, all those drinks.” I hiccupped.

“Yeah, all those drinks,” he laughed and pulled me closer with an arm around my waist. “I think you got even more than me.”

“But my drinks were pretty,” I said. “Blue and pink and… and green. Yours were just… yellow.”

“More orange, really. And one of those beers was definitely black.”

I stumbled a bit on my high heels, falling against Spike. He let the cigarette hang from his mouth and caught me with both hands. 

“Careful, pet.” 

“I am careful. Just my shoes.” I bent down and took them off. Spike watched me with an amused look on his face. “What?”

“You’re cute.” 

I rolled my eyes and leaned against him again. 

“You shouldn’t smoke.”

“It’s just a part of my rock star image.” 

“There’s no one here to see you.”

“You are.”

“And I know you’re not a big bad rock star, _William._ ” 

He laughed and put the cigarette out before he leaned down and kissed me. 

“You taste like an ashtray,” I complained. 

“No, I don’t.”

He kissed me again, and even if definitely was traces of ashtray there, I kissed him back. His hands moved over my body and I put my arms around his neck, standing on my toes to really reach him. Spike moved his hands down, sneaking his hands under my skirt. 

“Spike!”

I took a step backwards, a bit unsteady. 

“What?”

“We’re outside!”

“So?”

He leered, and took a step forward.

“So it’s not what you’re supposed to do. Outside.” 

He reminded me of a panther as he walked even closer, turning us around so that I was standing with my back against the wall where he had stood seconds ago. 

“Who cares what you’re ‘supposed’ to do?”

He kissed me again. His entire body was pressed against me. He pushed his hand under my skirt again, but this time I didn’t protest. When he lifted me up, I helped him by putting my legs around his hips. 

The metal clang of the door brought me back to reality. Spike put me down as the busboy walked outside. I was glad Spike had that duster on, because it hid me pretty well. The boy nodded at Spike as he threw away the garbage and then he went back inside, leaving the door a little bit open. I was still gasping for breath. 

“I think that’s the reason you’re not supposed to do that outside,” I said.

“Maybe,” Spike agreed, but then he curled his tongue behind his teeth, a move that made me weak to the knees, “but it feels really good.” 

He kissed me again and it took almost all my willpower to push him away. 

“It’s going to feel just as good at home. Let’s go.”

\- - -

We barely made in inside the door. Against the hallway wall, we went back to what we had started in the alley, only with less clothes. I stumbled a bit when I tried to take my top off, but Spike caught me, moving us so that we were up against the door. It was fast and rough, but it didn’t feel fast after the build up we had had in the cab on the way home. And in the alley. I was moving against him, but then I felt something cold against my back. The door handle moved again and I gasped.

“Spike, there’s someone at the door.” 

“Yeah, us”, he answered between kisses. The door rattled. 

“No!” I pushed him away, and he stopped, still holding me pressed against the door, still inside me. He leaned a bit to the side and pushed the curtain on the door aside, just a little bit. I tried to turn my head to see as well, but it was the wrong angle. 

“Shit.” 

He let go of me. 

“What?”

“It’s Angel.” 

I stared at him. The door handle moved again, but Spike pushed us both against the door to stop it from opening. 

“What are we going to do?” I whispered. Spike looked a bit panicked. 

“I don’t know.” He looked out again. “Wait, it looks like he’s leaving.” 

Leaving? At four in the morning, instead of coming inside?

“Fuck, he’s going to go to the back door,” I said. Quickly, I pushed at Spike and grabbed the clothes that were closest. He took what was left, and then followed me as I rushed up the stairs. We closed the door to my room, both standing just inside. I pressed my ear against the door. I heard the back door open. Angel walked inside and went to the front door. He opened it and closed it again. Spike stifled a giggle against my shoulder. I shushed him. We both heard Angel walk up the stairs, pass by my door, and go into his bedroom. 

“Poor Angel, convinced there was something wrong with the door,” Spike whispered in my ear.

“It was just lucky we were up against the door and not the wall,” I answered, shuddering at the thought. 

“And bad luck to be interrupted twice in one night.” He kissed my neck. “You have a lock on your door, right?”

I locked the door and kissed him back.


	9. Chapter 9

Spike was still asleep when I woke up the next morning. At first I didn’t understand why I had woken up, but a sound from the kitchen reminded me. Angel was back. 

I got out of bed, careful not to wake Spike up. My head felt as if someone had kicked it. Definitely too many drinks the night before. I got dressed and walked downstairs. Angel was sitting by the counter with a cup of coffee in front of him. He looked at me without saying anything as I downed a big glass of water. 

“Good morning.” 

“Hi,” I answered. 

“Late night?”

“Late trip?”

“Guess I deserved that,” Angel said. 

“Yeah, you did.” I said and took a cup of coffee. I sat down next to him. “So what did you do?”

“It was business.” 

“So what did you do?” I repeated. 

He sighed. 

“I needed to talk to someone.” 

“At Christmas?”

“Yeah, at Christmas. Do you really think I would’ve left if it wasn’t absolutely necessary?”

I shrugged. 

“How am I supposed to know? You didn’t exactly explain anything.” 

“You know what? You drink that coffee, take a shower and some aspirin, and then we can talk when you’re in a better mood.”

“Me?” I asked. “I’m the one in a bad mood?” 

I stared at him. He stared back. He looked away first.

“Okay, sorry. I’m not exactly happy.”

“No kidding.”

I drank some coffee and looked at him. He looked absolutely miserable. 

“What’s the matter? Seriously Angel.”

“It’s not good.”

My stomach turned into a knot.

“What happened?”

His smile was sad. 

“I’ll tell you, but I was being honest about that shower thing. Take a shower, wake up properly, and then we’ll talk.” 

“That bad, huh?”

He sighed and dragged a hand through his hair.

“Yeah.”

That didn’t make me feel better. I went back upstairs and walked straight into the bathroom. After a long, warm shower I took the aspirin Angel had recommended. I did feel better when I walked back downstairs. Angel was waiting for me in the dining room. He had several papers in front of him on the table, as well as his laptop. He pushed the papers closer to me as I sat down. They were from his bank. 

“What’s this?” I turned the pages. The numbers were way too low to be his bank statements. I looked at him. “Angel? What is this?” 

“A couple of months ago, the bank sent me a letter.” He lifted one of the documents and held it out for me. “It basically said all my accounts were as good as empty.”

“But… How’s that even possible? Aren’t you rich?”

“I’m supposed to be,” he agreed. “I made a lot of money with the band.”

“So what’s this?”

“This is what happens when your manager rips you off.”

I just stared at him.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that Charlie Chase embezzled all the money the band made.”

“What?” I barely heard my own voice. I know I was repeating myself, but I just couldn’t understand what he was saying. 

“I’ve been trying to sort things through. At first I thought it was just a mistake. In fact, Charlie assured me that it was. He said it must have been the bank’s mistake. Stupidly enough, I believed him.” Angel dragged his hands over his face. “But then he disappeared. He didn’t answer his phone and no one knew where he was. That’s how I knew it wasn’t a mistake.” 

“When did this happen?”

“November.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I couldn’t believe he had held all this from me. “I had the right to know!”

“I thought I could fix it! It just didn’t make sense to me, that Charlie would steal all that money.”

“You should have told me!”

“Yes, I should have.”

The fact that he admitted it made me quiet. I looked through the pages again. Things looked really bad.

“What did you do in L.A.?”

“A friend of mine thought Charlie was there. I tried to track him down.”

“Was he?”

“No, not that I know of.”

“What’s going to happen now? Are you broke?”

“Not yet. I talked to an economical advisor. I have some assets that Charlie couldn’t touch and those will keep us going until I can find a way to get a decent income again. But to be honest, Buffy, you haven’t chosen a cheap education.”

“But that’s paid for, right?”

“Unfortunately not. Charlie handled the payments, and he just paid for the past semester.” 

I stared at him.

“I have to drop out?”

“I’m sure we can figure something out,” Angel said immediately. “I don’t want you to have to quit.”

“But it’s a possibility?”

“No. Of course not. But you might have to think about transferring.”

“Angel! You’re kidding!” He didn’t answer. “You could’ve at least told me earlier and given me a chance to prepare.”

“Yeah, I should have. I’m sorry Buffy, but I honestly thought I could take care of this before it became a problem.” 

I sagged in the chair. This was horrible. 

“How did this happen?”

“I trusted Charlie too much. Hell, we all trusted him too much.” 

That’s when it hit me. 

“This didn’t just happen to you, did it? It happened the others in the band as well. That’s why Spike is staying here.”

“Yes.” 

I turned around at the sound of Spike’s voice. He walked out of the kitchen with a guilty expression on his face. 

“You should have told me!” I said. “The minute Angel left, you should have told me!”

“I promised him not to.”

“Don’t blame him,” Angel said. “Hell, he told me weeks ago I should tell you.” 

“Weeks ago?” I stared at Spike. “You knew all this time, and you never told me?”

“Buffy, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t.” 

I couldn’t stay. I got up and left.

\- - -

“Hi Cordelia, it’s me, Buffy.” She still didn’t answer her phone, but at least I could leave her a message. “I just got this crazy news from my brother, and I just wanted to check if you’re okay. So… when you get this, call me. Bye.”

I hung up. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My best friend’s father had just stolen all my brother’s money, as well as all my boyfriend’s money, and now I couldn’t get a hold of my best friend. It sounded a bit like a bad plot in a daytime soap. 

I took another sip of my orange juice. After I left the house, it hadn’t taken long before I had found myself at The Espresso Pump, the town’s only decent coffee place. Two coffees and an orange juice later I felt a little bit better. At least good enough not to run away when Spike came walking down the road. He walked into the Espresso Pump and sat down next to me. 

“So what happens with the band?” I asked after a while. 

“We kind of split up.”

I raised an eyebrow and looked at him. 

“You said everything was fine. It was only yesterday you said everything was just fine with the band.”

“I said nothing was going on with the band. Technically, that’s true, since there is no band.” 

“Spike!”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I promised Angel I wouldn’t say anything.” 

“You shouldn’t have made that promise.”

“I know.” 

We both stared out of the window.

“Are you still mad?” he asked after a while. 

I sighed. 

“Not mad, exactly. More like worried.”

“I know that feeling.” 

I didn’t know what to say. So he was worried? At least he had had time to get used to the feeling. 

“I have to get my drums from the studio,” he said after a while. “Want to help?”

“Not really.”

I got up anyway. Spike lit up a cigarette as soon as we stepped outside, the metallic click of his lighter oddly comforting. 

“Smoking’s bad for you,” I said.

“So you keep telling me.”

“That’s because you never listen.”

He took another drag of the cigarette before putting it out.

“I listened. Happy?”

“Better.”

He smiled a little. 

“Why do you have to get your drums?” I asked. 

“The lease is up on the studio.” 

“Were you really in the studio before Christmas?” For all I knew they could’ve been in the basement getting drunk.

“Yeah, we had to sort some things out. The drums are the last things left.” 

“And you’re planning to carry them home?”

“No, I thought you could drive us home.” 

“Me?”

“Yeah, why not. You need some practice.”

“And you know Buffy and cars are un-mixy things. Do I have to remind you of last summer? Do you really want me behind the wheel of your baby?”

I waited for him to come to his senses and start the obligatory rant about his classic car, and the eventual conclusion that he would rather drive himself. 

“Of course not,” he said. “I’ve borrowed another set of wheels.”

That explained it.

“It better have good insurance,” I muttered. 

We stopped outside the studio. In front of the door a large van was parked. Spike unlocked it.

“You’re kidding.”

I walked around the van. It was huge. 

“You can’t drive it from there,” Spike said. I gave him a look that could kill.

“Sorry, I’m not licensed to drive dinosaurs.”

He laughed. We carried out the drums and put them in the back. Spike got into the passenger seat while I climbed into the driver’s seat. He had already put the keys in the ignition. I looked at the interior before adjusting the mirrors. I could do it, right? I wasn’t that much of a difference from the cars in driver’s ed, right? The tiny, small cars. I stared at the stick. I couldn’t see the letter “D” anywhere. 

“How do I put it in ‘Drive’?”

“You don’t.”

I stared at him. 

“You don’t?! “

“You just put the gear in, start at ‘one’.”

“I can’t drive stick!” 

“Then you’d better learn, pet.” 

I laughed. Spike’s eyes glittered when he looked at me. He reached out an arm and pulled me close to him. I put my arms around him and hugged him back. He kissed the top of my head. 

“I’m sorry, luv. I knew it was wrong.”

“Yeah, well… I’m not kidding about this car thing. I have no idea how to drive.” 

“I’ll help.” I could hear the smile in his voice. Things would be okay.

\- - -

“Do we have to move?”

We were all sitting in the dining room. This time the papers and the computers were gone, replaced by food. 

“No,” Angel answered. “Spike and I figured it out.” 

“Between us we can afford to keep the house running,” Spike added. 

“But it’s that bad, that it takes the both of you?”

They exchanged a glance.

“Yeah,” Angel admitted. “But the good news is that it saves some money for your college education, and buys us some time to find new ways to make money.” 

“I’m already talking to a band that needs a drummer,” Spike said. “It’s a really good band, too. Or they will be, when they have me.”

He smirked. He really didn’t have any trouble in the confidence-department. 

“What about you, Angel?”

My brother shrugged and carefully chewed his food. I waited. 

“I’m… looking in to some things.” 

That didn’t sounds quite as confident as Spike. 

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, Buffy,” he admitted. “To be honest, I’m thinking about doing something entirely different. Or maybe producing.”

Spike didn’t seem surprised. I guess this was another of those things they had already talked about, while I was off in the land of the unaware. I leaned back on my chair and put my fork down. 

“I thought you loved music.”

“I did. I do. It’s just all the things that surround it. The drama.” 

I got up from my chair. 

“I’ll go for a run.” 

“Buffy!”

I didn’t stop.

\- - -

“So is this how you deal with things? Just taking off when you feel like it?”

Angel was waiting for me when I came back. 

“It’s a lot to take in.” 

“I get that. But you can’t keep running off when we talk about it.”

“Angel, you _just_ told me this morning. You can’t expect me to just act like nothing’s wrong.”

“No, but I expect you to listen.” 

“Don’t go all dad on me,” I said. “You left me alone on Christmas and kept this a secret for months. And now I’m supposed to listen, just because you decided it’s time? Merry Christmas by the way, your gifts are still under the tree.” 

Angel stared after me as I stomped up the stairs to my room. At least he had the decency to look a little embarrassed. I slammed the door shut to show him I didn’t want him to follow. Still, there was a knock on the door just a couple of seconds later. 

“What?” I yanked the door open. “Oh.”

It was Spike. He held up both hands. 

“Can I come in?”

I shrugged. He stepped in and closed the door behind him. 

“I thought you weren’t angry,” he said.

“That’s what I thought, too. Seems I was wrong. I can’t believe he held it from me. That the both of you held it from me.” 

“I had no choice. I know you think Angel doesn’t care about you, but he does. He wants to protect you from everything bad.”

“I don’t need protecting.”

“Maybe not,” he said. “But that’s the way Angel sees it. Besides, what should he have done? He knows how close you and Cordelia are. Should he just have told you that her dad probably had stolen all of his money?”

I could just see how well that would have gone. 

“He still should have told me. If not when I was there, at least when I came home.”

“I told him that.” 

“And I hate that!”

“What? That I told him to tell you?”

“No, that the two of you were talking about me behind my back! You have it all planned out and I haven’t even got a say in things. For all I know, Angel called you when he left for L.A. and told you to come and get me.”

I cringed at the thought. 

“No, he didn’t,” Spike said quickly, “but that would have been the decent thing to do. I honestly had just forgotten your gift in my bag, and that’s the truth. Besides, do you think Angel would be happy if he knew about the two of us?”

I stared at Spike.

“You haven’t told him?” I was sure that he had, and that that was the reason he had come looking for me when he found me at the Espresso Pump.

“No.” 

“So what? You can make plans about me behind my back, but not admit that we’re dating?” 

“It’s not like that, Buffy! It just wasn’t a good time.” 

“Maybe it’s never a good time.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. Immediately, Spike was there, trying to give me a hug. I shrugged him off. 

“You should go back to your own room.” 

“Hey, don’t be like that. You know how I feel about you.” 

“Don’t care. I don’t want you here right now.”

He straightened his back. 

“Ok. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

I didn’t cry until he closed the door behind him.

\- - -

Spike’s room was filled with furniture. The desk that usually stood by the wall now stood right next to the bed, just to fit his drums into the room. The rain hammered on the windows. Spike was splayed out on the bed. I sat down on the side of the bed and grabbed a hold of his hair, tugging lightly to wake him up. He blinked at me.

“Hey,” he said. 

“Move in.” 

He did, and I got into bed with him. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer. He was still almost asleep.

“I just want to tell you that you’re right,” I whispered. 

“About what?”

“That we probably shouldn’t tell Angel. Let’s keep it to ourselves.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. At least for a while. Until things settle down a bit.” 

He put his face on my neck and inhaled deeply. 

“Okay. Sleep now?”

“Yeah.” I yawned. “Just wanted to tell you.” 

“Good.” 

His breath became even as he fell asleep again. It didn’t take long before I was finally asleep as well.


	10. Chapter 10

“I’m not really in the mood for a party.”

Angel looked very skeptical. 

“What’s not to be in the mood for?” Spike said. “You drink, laugh and have fun?”

“I’m not sure.”

“It’s New Years’. Of course you should come,” I said. 

Spike had gotten invited to a New Years’ Eve party by the new band he was trying to get into. It hadn’t taken a lot to talk me into it, but Angel proved to be more difficult. We were almost ready to leave, but he still wasn’t convinced it was a good idea. 

“Of course,” Spike said. “Dance your sorrows away.”

Angel raised an eyebrow, and I couldn’t stop my laugh. 

“See? Even Buffy knows that’s a bad idea.”

“Maybe not,” I protested. “It might do you good. And if nothing else, it’s going to entertain all the others.” 

Angel smiled. 

“I guess it’s better to spend New Years’ with you guys than moping here on my own. But I’m not providing entertainment.” 

“You might change your mind after a couple of drinks,” Spike said. 

Things had improved a little over the past couple of days. Angel didn’t try to get me to “listen” anymore, which basically meant that we had gone back to the strategy of burying our heads in the sand. I knew we would have to talk about it eventually, but it felt as if there really wasn’t any point until January. There was no one to talk to about transferring schools until then, anyway. Angel went upstairs to change and Spike crashed down on the couch. 

“You do realize things might had been easier if he had stayed at home.”

“So what? We can’t make out. Is that really what we would have done otherwise?”

“I seem to recall we did even more than that at the Bronze.” He curled his tongue behind his teeth in that trademark move of his. I blushed. 

“Doesn’t matter. We’re going to behave ourselves.” 

“No kisses? Not even at midnight?”

“Maybe then,” I said and stepped in front of him. “It’s allowed to make out when the clock strikes twelve.” 

“Good.”

He sat up and pulled me down, giving me a quick kiss before Angel came back downstairs.

\- - -

I was one step behind Angel and Spike as they walked into the party, but that was all it took to make me practically invisible. Both were greeted happily, and even if both did their best to introduce me, it was obvious everyone who approached wanted to talk to the two rock stars. I took the opportunity to find a drink. I tried to keep track of were they were, even it I was standing a good distance away from the circle that had formed around them.

“T-they sure seem popular.” 

I looked up. The girl who was standing next to me smiled a little. She had long hair and a long skirt with flowers on it. Her smile was friendly. She looked kind of familiar. 

“That what happens when you’re famous,” I answered. “Thank God I’m not.” 

“Yeah,” she agreed. “I’m Tara.”

“Buffy.” We shook hands. 

“How do you know Oz?”

“Oh, we go way back. Really close. And who’s Oz, again?”

She laughed. 

“The b-boy who lives here.”

“Is he the one in a band?”

“Yes.”

“Then my boyfr… _friend_ knows him.” Great way to keep a secret, Buffy. “Spike?”

“Oh. The famous guy with bleached hair who is not your boyfriend?”

I smiled. 

“Exactly. Actually, we’re trying to keep it a secret from my brother.”

“Your brother?”

“Angel.” I nodded in their direction. “They’re best friends, and it’s kind of new, so we’re keeping it quiet. And feel free to tell me to shut up anytime.” 

She smiled. 

“Do you go to Sunnydale University?”

“No, I just live here. Do you?”

“Yes. I think I’m the only one here. Well, my girlfriend goes there too. She’s the one who knows Oz. She promised some of our other friends would be here, but so far... no. I like Sunnydale, but I haven’t gotten to know a whole lot of people who aren’t in college.” 

“I don’t know anyone here either,” I said. “And Spike and Angel have been devoured by their beloved fans.”

“Let’s pretend we’re friends,” Tara said with a twinkle in her eye. “Then we don’t have to be lonely.” 

“Great idea.” I liked her. “We’ve known each other since kindergarten, right?”

“Yes, back when you used to steal my My Little Ponies and I took all your Barbies.”

“I still want Malibu-Barbie back, just so you know.” 

“As soon as I get Applejack.” 

“Let’s start with an appletini.”

\- - -

“Hey babe.” Spike gave me a quick kiss on the head. “How’s it going?”

I looked up at him and smiled. 

“You’re tall,” I told him. 

“Not really, but thanks for saying it.” He sat down on the floor next to me. 

“You’re shorter now. This is Willow, Xander, Anya and Tara. This is Spike. He’s not my boyfriend.”

Spike smiled and said hi to my new friends. We were sitting in a ring in a corner of the living room. Tara had introduced me as a childhood friend, and her friends had accepted it right away. Willow was her girlfriend, and she had known Xander since they had actually been in kindergarten together. Anya was his girlfriend. She had a way of speaking that had already made me blush several times. 

“Are you her orgasm-friend, since you’re not her boyfriend?” Anya asked, making me blush again. Spike laughed when I hid my face in his shoulder. 

“I’m her boyfriend,” he answered. “Just not when her brother hears it.”

“Why not? Is it to keep it secret? That can make it hot. Xander and I sometimes pretend we’re in a secret relationship, too.” 

“Ahn,” Xander said and cleared his throat. 

“What?”

“Private, remember.” 

“Fine.” She rolled her eyes, as if he was being unnecessary prude. 

“Where’s Angel?” I asked Spike. 

“Believe it or not, but he’s dancing.”

“No way!”

I looked in the direction Spike was pointing. There he was, my brother, in the middle of the dance floor, smiling and dancing with a blond girl. 

“Oh my god,” I giggled. “Do you think we should tell him?”

“Tell him what, pet?”

“That he really can’t dance.”

Spike laughed, a low rumble in my ear that made it tingle deep in my body.

“Nah, let him be. He looks so happy.” Spike put his arms around me. “It’s almost midnight.” 

“Midnight? Hey, we’re supposed to go outside at midnight, right?” I asked Tara.

“I brought fireworks,” Xander confirmed. 

It was chilly outside, but as soon as I shivered, Spike put his arm around my shoulders, surrounding us both with his duster. I put my arm around his waist to get even closer. 

“Are you having a good time?” I asked. 

“Pretty ok. I talked to Oz and Devon about the band a little. I’ll rehearse with them next week.”

“That’s good.” 

“It really is. It was driving me crazy, not having a band.”

“What about Angel?”

Spike looked over to the place were my brother stood, not far away from us. Most of the party had moved outside. 

“I honestly think he has had enough, pet. Hasn’t been happy the last year or so.” 

“He’s never said anything to me, before the other day.” 

“I know. Don’t worry about it, not now. The New Year is just around the corner. It’s going to be a good one.” 

As the clock struck midnight, we kissed. I believed him. This year was going to be good. 

Maybe it would have been easier if I had been prepared.


	11. Chapter 11

_January_

“It’s too late.”

Angel looked up from the paper he was reading when I walked into the living room. He looked alarmed. 

“What’s too late?” he asked.

“To transfer.” I sat down next to him on the couch, sinking down into the soft cushions. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.” 

“Buffy, we’ll fix this. I’ll try to get the money. I’m sure there’s a way…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I interrupted. ”They suggested that I’d take a leave of absence this semester and transfer in the fall instead.” 

He looked at me. 

“And you’re okay with that?”

“I guess.” I answered. “It kind of sucks, but it’s better than dropping out.” 

Angel fiddled with the paper, folding it and putting it down before picking it back up. 

“You know I’m really sorry about all this,” he said without looking at me.

“Stop apologizing all the time.” I dragged myself up. “It’s annoying.” 

“Well, what do you want me to do?” 

Ah, the familiar aggression. 

“Nothing,” I answered. “Nothing at all.” 

I walked out, grabbing an apple on my way out. “Nothing” really was what Angel had been doing for a week. Spike had been rehearsing with his new band every day, but Angel hadn’t even left the house. I had tried figuring out a way to go back to school, but in the end a semester off seemed to be my best choice. Not that I was looking forward to spending all that time in Sunnydale, in our house, with Angel. I had to find something to do.

\- - -

“No, we don’t need anyone right now.”

“Okay. I’ll just have a coffee, then,” I said.

Not even the Espresso Pump needed extra staff. I took my coffee and sighed. 

“Buffy?”

I looked up. Tara sat at a table in the corner. I smiled and went over to her. She moved her books so I could sit down. 

“Studying?” I asked.

“S-sort of,” she answered. “There are lots to do. When are you going back East?” 

“I’m not. I decided to stay here in Sunnydale.”

I tried to sound chipper, but Tara looked worried.

“Why? Does this have anything to do with S-spike?”

“No. A world of no.” The thought hadn’t even occurred to me. “There are other reasons.” 

I don’t know what made me tell her the whole story. Tara seemed nice, but we really didn’t know each other, despite what we had said a week earlier. She listened carefully and drank her tea.

“So I need to find a job,” I finished. “Anything that gets me out of Angel’s presence.” 

“I might know of a job.”

“You do?” While I had talked, I had slipped further and further down on the chair, but now I sat up straight. 

“Do you remember Anya? She works at a shop that might need extra staff. If you want to, we can go over there now. I have to stop by there anyway.” 

“Really? Tara, you’re the best!” 

Tara packed up her books and smiled.

“I’m just glad if I can help. But I’m not p-promising anything. I just thought I heard them talk about needing someone a couple of days ago.” 

“It’s already better than anything I have managed to find.” We walked out of the coffee shop. “Why are you so nice to me?”

“I remember what it’s like to be all alone in a new town.”

“Sunnydale is not exactly new to me,” I reminded her. “We moved here when I was twelve. It’s just that between boarding school and summer tours with Angel’s band, I was really never here.”

“Sounds like a new town to me.” She smiled. “I used to wish my dad would send me to boarding school when I was a kid.” 

“It’s not all hugs and puppies,” I said, “but sometimes it’s better than staying at home." 

“That was what I thought. But college is pretty good.”

“It is, isn’t it?” I smiled. “I guess that’s why I hate being stuck at home for half a year.”

The shop was at the corner of the small square Tara led us to. As we stepped through the door, a bell chimed. I was a bit surprised as I looked around. Candles, crystal balls and dried herbs filled the front part of the store while the back was bursting with books. Wait a minute, this seemed familiar.

“Welcome to the Magic Box! Oh, it’s just you.” Anya came running from a back room, but stopped as she saw Tara. “We haven’t had time to unpack yet, but your order came in this morning.” 

“That’s great. Do you remember Buffy?” Anya nodded and we shook hands. “She’s looking for a job, and I recalled that you might need someone.” 

“We do.” Anya looked at me from top to toe. “Have you worked in retail before?”

“No, but I’m a quick learner and I always do my best and…”

“I’m not the one who makes the decision,” she interrupted me. “So save your breath. Giles!”

She called out the name in the direction of the back room. All the pieces crashed into place. This was Spike’s dad’s store. Spike always made fun of him for dealing in “magic”, even though the whole family was Catholic. Mr. Giles walked out of the back room, cleaning his glasses while he walked. 

“No need to shout, Anya. I’m right here.” He put his glasses back on. “Oh, Buffy, what a surprise! Tara.” He nodded at my friend and smiled at me. “What brings you here, Buffy? Do you want some scented candles, or maybe ingredients for a love potion? Not that you need it, judging by the way my son looks at you.”

I felt the blush creep up my face. I tried to ignore it even though my cheeks felt as if they were burning up. 

“N-no Mr. Giles,” I stuttered. “I’m actually looking for a job. Tara said that she thought there might be a position open?” 

“You’re not going back to school?” His eyes darkened and the smile disappeared when I shook my head no. “Let’s step into my office.” 

Tara smiled encouragingly as Rupert led the way to the back room. Behind the stacks of boxes, there was a small office. He sat down behind the desk and I took the visitor’s chair. 

“Excuse me for being blunt, but William seems quite enamored with you, and if I’m not entirely mistaken the feeling is mutual. Your decision to stay in Sunnydale has nothing to do with my son, right?” 

Why did people automatically jump to that conclusion? Did I really seem like the kind of girl that gave up her education for a boy? 

“No. Of course not. I really like Spi- _William_ , but that’s not why I’m staying. There are other reasons.” 

Suddenly, he looked as embarrassed as I felt.

“Of course. How silly of me. I know of the situation. It was rash of me to jump to conclusions. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” I said. “I ran into Tara and she talked about a job, I didn’t know it was at your place. I’ll find something else.”

I made a move to stand up, but he stopped me.

“Nonsense! You need a job; I need someone to help me with the shop. It’s a perfect situation, really.” 

Working with my boyfriend’s dad, when my relationship was not exactly public? Didn’t seem that perfect to me.

“I’m trying to cut back on my hours,” Rupert explained. “To do that I need someone else here. Anya is a great manager, but she can’t do everything alone. You would mostly be working with her.”

That sounded a little bit better. We decided on the terms of my employment and when we walked outside again, he let Anya show me around while he went back and unpacked Tara’s order. I left together with Tara, but was expected back at nine the next morning. Things were getting better. I had a job, and I was pretty sure I had a friend as well.

\- - -

“Spike! Cold feet!”

I quickly moved my legs away. It was not a fun way to wake up. 

“Sorry.” He pulled my duvet over both of us. “Didn’t know they were that cold.”

“What time it is?”

I raised my head from the pillow and tried to see the alarm clock over his shoulder, but it was too dark. 

“Two, I think.” He put his arm around me. “I just got home.”

“You smell like a brewery.” I pushed him away a little.

“We might have gotten a beer or two after rehearsal. Damn, Oz is a great guitarist.”

“I still think you should play the guitar. You’re really good as well.” 

“I like my drums,” he answered and kissed the tip of my nose. “They’re great when it comes to getting rid of all aggressions.” 

“And you have a lot of those?”

“Not after hitting them out.” He kissed me on the mouth and rolled on top of me.

“Spike. Sleepy.” 

I smiled despite my words. He smiled back at me before kissing his way down my neck, my stomach. 

“I’ll try not to wake you up too much.”

I bit my lower lip to keep the moan inside when his tongue found the right spot.

\- - -

“Spike?”

I had my head on his arm, the duvet halfway down our naked bodies. I dragged my fingers across his abs.

“Mm?” He didn’t open his eyes.

“I think I might have told your dad about us.”

Spike opened his eyes and turned towards me. He laughed, a low rumble in his chest. 

“That explains the phone call I got from him this afternoon.” 

“He called you? What did he say?”

“He got all stern and pompous. _‘Buffy is a very nice girl and you have to be careful with her. Don’t break her heart.’_ ” Spike exaggerated his dad’s posh British accent. 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s good that they know. I have no plans on breaking your heart, by the way.”

“You better not.” 

He pulled me a bit closer.

“Where did you run in to him, anyway?”

“At the Magic Box. He gave me a job!”

“So you’re my little witch, now? Are you going to put a spell on me?”

This time, I rolled on top of him.

“I already did. Haven’t you noticed? You’re mine now.”

“Yeah, I am,” he agreed with a moan.

\- - -

I looked at the box that was lying at my place on the table. The wrapping paper was covered in snowmen. I put my bowl of cereals down next to it.

“Merry Christmas.” 

Angel smiled. I stared at him. 

“You do realize Christmas was almost a month ago?” I said.

“Happy Birthday, then?”

I chewed on my cereals and looked at the gift. It was just a small box and the blue bow on it covered almost the entire top half of it. Angel hadn’t given me anything for Christmas, and if this was his way of making that up to me, it had better be something good. I put my spoon back in the bowl and picked the gift up. It was practically weightless. 

“What is it?”

“Open it.” 

I ripped off the paper. It was a small box inside, just like the ones you get at the jewelry store, but when I opened it there wasn’t gold inside, just a pair of keys. 

“It’s not a car, is it?”

I know I sounded disappointed, but I couldn’t help it. Most kids I knew got their first car as soon as they turned sixteen, but I had never wanted one. I really was a disaster behind the wheel. 

“Do you really think I would give you a car after what happened last summer? Look outside. There might be something there to go with those keys.” 

Sometimes is seemed as if my brother did know me. He opened the back door and I stepped outside.

“A bike?”

It was just an ordinary bike, bright pink, but I already loved it. 

“I figured that now that you have a job, you might need a way to get to it that doesn’t involve nagging me or Spike every morning. And something that doesn’t involve an engine.”

“It’s great!” I gave him a hug before I hurried down the steps. Not that Spike had had anything against driving me to work every morning, but it felt better being able to get there myself. 

“Does this mean that I’m forgiven?”

I looked up at my smiling brother. He reminded me of the happy boy I had grown up with. The one who hadn’t been so focused on his music that he never even noticed me. 

“Yeah,” I said and looked away. _Almost,_ I thought to myself.


	12. Chapter 12

_February_

“They’re not the _Dingoes_ , but they’re okay.” 

The Bronze was packed as usual that Friday night. Willow had convinced us to see a local band, but when both Spike and Angel had agreed to join us, she seemed to regret it. 

“From what I heard, they’re barely tolerable,” Spike said. He was sitting next to me, his arm around the back of my seat. 

“The singer is kind of good. At least sometimes.” 

Willow really wasn’t that great at standing up for her opinion. Tara put a reassuring hand on her arm. 

“I’m sure it’s going to be fine, sweetie.” 

Willow smiled. On the outside, Tara appeared to be the fragile one, with her stuttering and tendency to hide behind her long hair, but the more I got to know her girlfriend it was obvious Willow was fighting with her insecurities every day. I leaned back in my chair, reveling in the feel of Spike’s hand moving from the chair to my back, moving up my spine to play with my hair. He removed it as Angel came back from the bar. 

“Five beers,” he said and put them down on the table. “Even if I still think you should stick to orange juice.” He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes. 

“Whatever.” I took my glass and smiled back, despite my words.

It didn’t take long before the band got up on stage. Willow clapped, but I didn’t miss the insecure looks she sent Spike’s way. It was a relief when Tara took her girlfriend’s hand and dragged her closer to the stage. 

“I still think they suck,” Spike decided. 

“They’re actually pretty good,” Angel said. “I like the quality of the singer’s voice.”

“You mean that she’s pretty,” I said and my brother smiled. 

“That too,” he agreed. 

The band wasn’t that special, but as they finished up Angel decided to go over and talk to them. I wasn’t sure if it had to do with his half-assed plans to produce or more to do with the singer. The purple highlights in her dark hair suited her, and as my brother talked to her she smiled in a way that lit up her entire face. She looked more like a fairy than the singer of a rock band. 

“At least Angel got something out of the evening,” Spike said. “Do you want something more to drink?” 

“I wouldn’t say no to one of those green drinks.” 

“Coming right up.” 

Spike left for the bar, leaving me alone at our table. I could see Tara and Willow at the dance floor, dancing along to the songs the DJ played, but Angel had disappeared backstage with the band. 

“Hi.”

I looked up. The boy standing in front of me had dark hair and broad shoulders and a shy smile on his face. 

“Hi?”

“I’m Riley.” He held out his hand. “I was standing with my friends over there and I couldn’t help but to notice you. You’re a friend of Willow’s, right?” 

I looked over at the group while I shook his hand. They all pretended they hadn’t been staring at us just a second earlier. 

“I’m Buffy. How do you know Willow?”

“I was the TA in one of the psychology classes she took. She’s pretty great, huh?” He sat down on the chair next to me. “Do you go to Sunnydale U? I don’t think I’ve seen you there.”

“No, I’m taking the semester off.” 

“Oh. Yeah, I’ve been thinking about doing that. It’s good for you, doing something else for a while.” 

“Here’s your drink, luv.” 

Spike handed me the green beverage and sat down. He leaned back on the chair and put his arm around me. I smiled at him. 

“Thanks. This is a friend of Willow’s. Riley, right?”

Spike just nodded as Riley held out his hand, and after a second Riley let his hand fall. 

“I was just saying to Buffy that it’s good to take a year off, like she has,” Riley said and took a drink from his beer.

“Wouldn’t know,” Spike answered and looked out over the club. “Never bothered with college myself.”

Riley started to say something, but stopped. Instead, he stood up. 

“I’d better get back. It was nice to meet you, Buffy.” He smiled and left.

“That wasn’t very nice of you,” I said to Spike.

“Don’t care about being nice when some git tries to pick up my girl.” 

His jaw ticked as he kept looking out over the club. 

“Are you jealous?”

His eyes were dark when he turned around and faced me.

“No.”

“You are.” I smiled and leaned closer. “You’re cute when you’re upset.” 

“’m not cute.” 

“Yes, you are.”

I could feel his smile when I kissed him. 

“I’m bad and dangerous,” he said into my mouth. “Not cute.” 

“Sure you are.” 

“Isn’t this a pretty sight?”

I recognized the voice immediately and sat back up. Darla was dressed in her favorite outfit: pleated skirt and a white blouse. I always wondered if she would’ve liked the schoolgirl uniform as much if she really had had to go to a school with a dress code. 

“Darla.” Spike removed the traces of my lipstick from his lower lip with his thumb. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Been busy. I can see that you have as well. How are you, Buffy?”

She sat down and put her wineglass on the table, the red liquid almost splashing over the side of the glass. 

“Just fine,” I answered. “And you?”

“I’m perfect, perfect. As always. Why aren’t you at school? College. Whatever.”

She took a sip of her wine.

“Took some time off.”

“And why would you do that? You were doing so well.” 

She didn’t even bother to look like she cared; instead smiling at Spike before she looked out over the dance floor. I took the hint and didn’t answer.

“What do want, Darla?” Spike asked. 

“Why, do I need to want something?” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “It’s Friday night, and if you’re in Sunnydale on a Friday, you somehow always end up at the Bronze.”

“True. The question is why you’re in Sunnydale. I thought you had moved.” 

“Oh, I had. I have. Just visiting the old family.” 

The only person Darla considered family was her sister, Drusilla. They had grown up with their mother just outside Sunnydale, but some time when the girls were in high school, she had simply disappeared. Dru was the older one, but I had always had the impression that Darla had been the one to take care of things. I looked out over the club, and it didn’t take me long to spot her. Drusilla was dancing by herself on the dance floor, her hands high over her head. Even though she was just as famous as Spike and Angel, she had an empty circle around her. In Sunnydale, everyone knew she was special. As I watched her, she turned around and looked at me. She smiled when our eyes met, but then her eyes narrowed and she stopped dancing, mid-move. Beside me, Spike straightened in his chair and moved his arm away from my shoulders. I heard him swear under his breath. 

“Uh-oh,” Darla laughed. “Here comes big sister.” 

Spike took my hand and almost dragged me to my feet as he stood up. Unfortunately, Drusilla was quicker.

“Spike?”

He didn’t answer, just stared at her. She looked at him, then at me.

“No.” She laughed. “Not possible.”

“Way possible,” Darla said. “They seemed quite cozy when I got here.” 

“But she’s just a child. A child with a crush.” Drusilla’s stare moved from me, to Spike, and then back again.

This time, when Spike pulled me along, I was ready. We almost ran across the club, Darla’s laugh following us. 

It was raining outside, the drizzle quickly destroying my carefully laid curls. 

“Fuck,” Spike said. “Fuck.”

Sure, running in to Darla and Drusilla wasn’t the way I preferred to spend my Friday night, but I didn’t like the mood Spike was suddenly in. He held on tightly to my hand, and I had to tug it free. When I did, he stopped and looked at me.

“What’s the matter?”

“Isn’t that my line?” I asked. “Or should I just accept that my boyfriend gets all bad-moody as soon as his ex appears?”

He sighed and looked up at the grey sky. 

“It’s just… God, she drives me crazy.”

I waited. A group of teenagers walked by, giggling, and that seemed to bring Spike back to the present. He took my hand, gently this time, and we walked around the corner. The alley was empty. 

“Why do you let her get to you?” I asked. 

Spike had been with Drusilla for more than a decade. Even if their relationship had always had its ups and downs, he had always been by her side. I had a really bad feeling in my stomach. 

“I can’t help it,” he said. “She… She’s in my blood. It guess it’s going to take more than a couple of months for me to get over her.” 

That didn’t help the feeling. 

“Then maybe you and I are a bad idea.” I hated saying it. 

“No. Definitely no.” He was all over me, kissing me, hugging me. “You’re the reason I even have a possibility to get away from her. You’re my shining bright light at the end of the tunnel. Without you… Buffy, I’d be nothing without you.” 

I put my arms around his neck, leaning my forehead against his. We stood there, alone, in the alley. He leaned forward just a little bit to press a kiss against my lips. Just as before, it was the metallic sound of the back door opening that made us pull apart. It was a good thing too, because this time it wasn’t a busboy that walked out, but the band that had been playing earlier, and my brother. The surprise was evident on Angel’s face when he saw us. 

“Hey, what are the two of you doing out here?”

We exchanged a glance.

“Waiting for you?” I tried.

“Yeah, we ran in to Darla and Dru in there, so we went outside,” Spike said. 

“They’re here?” For a second, it looked as if Angel was going back inside, but then he pulled a face and laughed. “Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t see them.” 

“We’re heading back to the house,” Spike said. “Want a ride?” 

“No, I’ll hang out for a while," Angel answered with a glance at the singer. 

We all walked out of the alley. Spike and I headed to his car and Angel stayed with his new friends. He waved when we drove past. 

“So my family knows about us,” Spike said as he drove, “and all of your friends. After tonight, I’m pretty sure the twisted sisters know as well. Maybe it’s time we tell your brother.” 

“Sure, it’s your funeral.” 

I smiled at him. His bad mood seemed to evaporate the closer home we got. 

“Do you really want to tell him?” I asked as we stopped outside.

“Yes. It’s time to make this all official, right?”


	13. Chapter 13

It was still early when I returned to the house and I panted as I walked in the back door. It had been a good run; my legs were actually feeling a bit shaky. I gulped down a big glass of water in the kitchen when I saw the note. I hadn’t seen Angel all weekend, but the note was folded in half with my name on it and tacked to the fridge with the same refrigerator magnet my brother always used when he left me notes. I took the note down, putting the silly picture of the little devil back on the fridge. 

“Morning.” 

Spike yawned as he walked into the kitchen, giving me a distracted kiss on the top of my head. Mornings really weren’t his best time. I opened the note and read the brief message. 

“So I’m guessing we’re not telling Angel today either,” I told my boyfriend. He finished measuring the coffee before he turned around. 

“Why not?”

“He’s gone to L.A. for the day.” I handed him the note. “Apparently, that band we saw might need a manager.”

“And what? He thought he’d recommend a good one?” He scoffed. 

“I think he’s thinking of becoming one.”

“Great,” Spike said in a low voice. “Just what the world needs, another manager.” 

He turned his back on me again and I decided to head up to take a shower. Spike would be in a better mood as soon as he had had his coffee.

\- - -

When I walked out from the steaming bathroom, I heard Spike’s phone buzz in his room. He must have had the sound turned off.

“Spike? Your phone is ringing!”

I wrapped the towel around my hair, waiting for him to come running up the stairs.

“Let it,” he called back. 

He usually never even left the phone out of his sight. I walked into his room, quickly finding it on the table next to his bed. The buzzing started over and I looked at the display. Dru. That figured. As I stood there, the buzzing stopped, but it didn’t take long before a text message announced he had a new voice mail. I took the phone with me to my room. I was only going to bring it downstairs, I told myself, but I couldn’t stop looking at it while I dried my hair. Once I was dressed, I picked it up. Ten new messages. Fifteen missed calls. All in the last two hours? I flicked through the list. They were all from Dru. 

Spike looked up from the morning paper as I put his phone down next to his mug on the kitchen island. 

“I think your ex really wants to talk to you,” I said. 

He folded the newspaper. 

“I don’t want to talk to her. And I told you, nothing she has to say can possibly be of interest to me.” 

“Then maybe you should tell her that.”

As if on cue, the phone started vibrating again. Spike looked at it, but didn’t make a move to answer. When it finally stopped, he reached out and turned it off.

“She’ll get the message,” he said. “It might take some time, but she will.” 

“I don’t like this,” I said. “Just tell her to back off.”

Spike lifted his mug. As the smell of the coffee reached me, I almost gagged. Great, now Drusilla was making me sick. 

“It’s not that easy,” he said. “I don’t want to upset her. She’s fragile.” 

I stood up. 

“Well, I guess you have a choice, then. Either you tell your ex-girlfriend to go to hell, and make her upset, or you can keep making your current girlfriend miserable. It’s really up to you.” 

“Buffy!” He followed me into the hallway. “Wait!”

“I have to get to work.” 

“Stop!” Spike caught my arm. “Buffy, pet, wait.”

I looked at him. 

“I’ll tell her. I just…” He rolled his head, his neck making a cracking sound. “I really don’t want to see her.”

“Then answer one of her calls.” 

He didn’t look as if that was a better option. 

“I guess,” he finally said. “I’ll fix it. Don’t be mad at me, pet. You know you’re the only one for me.”

He leaned forward and caught my chin with his hand. The kiss was soft, with a hint of coffee. I turned away, the coffee leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

“I have to brush my teeth. And I have to go to work.”

I didn’t wait for him to answer as I marched up the stairs.

\- - -

“Donuts for everyone!”

The bell on the door chimed when Xander walked in with a big box in his hands. He balanced five paper cups on top of the cardboard box. Anya took one of them and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. I took care of the others as he put the box down, before I handed him one and gave Tara and Willow theirs. Tuesdays were my favorite day in the shop, because that was when all our friends came in. Tara and Willow were already sitting at the big round table with their books all around them, and now Xander was there as well. 

“So what’s going on this week?” he asked as he sat down. “What monster do we have to deal with?”

“Math,” Willow answered. “Evil, evil math.”

“You like math, sweetie,” Tara said without looking up from her papers.

“Yeah, you do,” Xander said and took a donut. “You’re crazy that way.”

“Not this math. This math is different. It’s mean.” 

“You’re on your own on this one,” Xander said. “I have always said math was evil. It was you who tried to convince me all through high school that it wasn’t.”

“I was wrong.” Willow sighed and went back to her book. She was studying something with computers. She had explained it to me, but I had forgotten it as soon as the words were out of her mouth. It was way over my head. 

“Oh, donuts!” Giles came out of the back room and went straight for open box. He poured himself a cup of tea before sitting down at the table. It had taken some time to get used to the fact that everyone called him “Giles” instead of “Mr. Giles,” but now I remembered it most of the time. Mostly because Xander looked at me funny every time I said Mr. Giles. 

“Seriously, who buys candles that smells of slugs?” I asked as I unpacked them and put them on the shelf.

“I have no idea,” Giles said. “But they sell well.”

“They’re good for keeping the flies away,” Tara said. “At least that’s what I heard.”

Willow wrinkled her nose.

“I think I prefer the smell of roses.” 

They kept talking as I worked. I liked working at the Magic Box, even if Giles’s talk about cutting down seemed to be more talk than anything. He was still there every day. 

Even if Tuesdays were our quietest day, hence the gathering, we still had a steady stream of customers. Valentine’s day was just around the corner, and since we sold rose-scented candles as well as those that stunk of slug, we expected a lot of customers the next couple of days. 

Anya and Xander left at four, and Giles had returned to his office, but Willow and Tara were still studying. I sat down next to them. 

“You’ve been studying for hours. Time for a break?”

The store was temporarily empty. Tara looked up from her papers and looked longingly at the books at the mezzanine floor. 

“I really should write some more about the sixteenth century.” 

“No,” I said sternly. “You have to go up there and look up those plants you were talking about earlier.” 

She smiled.

“If you say so, I guess I have to.” 

She got up and climbed up the ladder. Customers weren’t really allowed up there, but even Giles counted Tara more as a friend than a customer. She found the book she wanted and sat down cross-legged on the floor with the book open in her lap. 

“She really loves plants,” Willow said with a smile. She was also looking up at Tara. 

“Do you?” I asked, convinced she was talking about more than just plants. 

“No. I tried that whole wicca-thing, because she’s so into it, but it wasn’t for me. I got frustrated when I couldn’t even float a single pencil.” 

I laughed.

“Yeah, magic really isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.” 

“Don’t tell the customers that.”

“Never.”

The bell chimed again. Sometimes I was ready to rip it off. I got up and stepped out of the little corner where the table was. 

“Welcome to the Ma…”

Drusilla stared at me. She still looked as if she came from another century, dressed in a long velvet dress in red and black.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. 

“I work here. And I’m sorry, we don’t really have anything about black magic, so I guess you can just leave.” 

In the corner of my eye, I saw Willow stare at me. I was being rude, sure, but I really didn’t like Drusilla. 

“Shut up, _Buffy._ ” Dru made my name sound like a bad word. “Where’s Rupert?”

“Right here.” 

I hadn’t heard him come in, but suddenly he was standing right behind me. 

“Finally. Where’s Spike?”

“For the last time, I don’t know where William is. If he’s still not taking your calls, I guess that means he doesn’t want to talk to you.” 

I looked from Dru to Giles. I took a step backwards, and when neither of them even looked at me, I turned around and climbed up the ladder to Tara. She looked at me when I sat down next to her, before we both looked down at what was happening. 

“Of course he wants to talk to me! Why wouldn’t he? And even if he didn’t, this isn’t a question of wanting or not wanting. I need to talk to him.” 

Drusilla was practically screaming. Tara reached out a hand and put it over mine. 

“By now, I’m sure he’s aware of that,” Giles said.

“Just tell me where he’s staying!”

“It’s not my place to tell you anything about my son’s business.”

Dru just stared at him.

“Fine. But when you see him, tell him I’m pregnant. _That_ is his business!”

She turned around and swept out of the store. The bell went crazy as she slammed the door behind her. Giles sighed and turned around, and for a second our eyes met before he took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“I’ll call him,” he said before he returned to his office, desperately polishing his glasses.


	14. Chapter 14

Tara offered to walk me home, but I decided to take my bike. The cold wind felt good on my face. Angel was at home, but he barely even looked up from his papers when I walked inside.

“How was L.A.?” I asked.

“Same old. Pretty good meeting.”

“So you’re a manager now?”

“Not yet.” He looked up at me. “Long day?”

“Do I look that terrible?”

He leaned his head to the side and studied me for a while. 

“Not… terrible. Tired.”

Tired. My boyfriend’s ex might be pregnant, and I managed to only look tired? That was probably considered pretty good. God, I felt sick. I got up and went to the bathroom, but nothing came up. 

“Hey, are you okay?”

Angel had followed me. 

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” He put a hand on my forehead; the same way mom had used to do, with the back of the hand. “You feel a bit warm.” 

“I’m fine.” I pushed his hand away. “Long day at the shop.” 

“Really?” He leaned forward a bit and looked me in the eyes. I blinked to get the burning sensation to go away. Before I could protest, he pulled me into a hug. I managed to swallow the sob.

“I’m just really tired.” I needed to talk to Spike.

\- - -

I sat up when the front door opened. Spike’s hair was messy, and as soon as he saw me on the couch he walked straight over. His eyes were red.

“Is it true?” I wasn’t even sure how I managed to get the words out. 

“She says it is.” 

He sat down on the couch and grabbed both my hands. 

“Did you see her?” I asked.

“Yeah.” 

Angel appeared in the doorway to the dining room. He looked from Spike to me, and then back again. 

“What’s going on?”

We both ignored him.

“When… How far along is she?”

“I don’t know. She says two months.”

“Two months.” I did the math in my head. “God, Spike, you said you hadn’t even talked to her since November!” I pulled my hands away. 

“No! Wait!” He reached for me again. I stood up to get away. Angel took a step inside the room, but I turned my back on him. “Buffy, listen.”

“I’m all ears. I can’t wait to hear you explain this.”

The sarcasm in my voice surprised me. Spike’s eyes shifted from me to something over my shoulder, but then his eyes settled on me. 

“I met her in December. Once. At the Bronze. Before Christmas.”

“And what? You took her out to that alley?” I don’t know what made me say that, because I didn’t really believe he had, but the look in his eyes said it all. “God, Spike!” 

My cheeks were wet, but I didn’t even know when I had started crying. Angel put his hands on my shoulders. 

“Wait, back up a minute. What is happening?”

“What do you think is happening?” I said. “He knocked Dru up.” 

“Yeah, I get that, but… Wait.” He let go off me, violently, almost pushing me to the side. “You’re sleeping with my sister?!”

Angel actually leaped over the table. Spike scrambled to get out of the couch, but he wasn’t fast enough. Angel’s fist connected with his nose with a crunching noise. 

“Stop it!”

I grabbed a hold of Angel and pulled him backwards. He let me; otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to stop him. He stood beside me and panted. Spike got up from the couch with both hands over his nose. I could see the blood seeping through. 

“Get out. Get out of my house.” Angel’s voice was low. I had never heard him sound so angry before. Spike looked at me, but I took a step backwards. Without another word, he left.

\- - -

Angel held the ice pack against his knuckles. 

“How long have this been going on?” he asked. 

“Since Christmas.” 

“Why did you keep it a secret?”

I looked at his hand and raised my eyebrows. Angel actually smiled a bit. 

“Stupid question,” he agreed. “But it might have been better if I hadn’t found out like this.” 

“It wasn’t like I planned this,” I said. 

“Of course not. But Buffy, you know Spike. He’s not that good with the whole planning-thing. He only does things, he never thinks about the consequences.”

The thing was, I knew that. I had just forgotten it. I looked down at the counter. 

“I’m sorry, sis, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Angel put his arm around my shoulders.

“It’s true,” I said and tried to shrug. 

“It doesn’t make things better.” 

That was also true. 

“God, I don’t even know what to do,” I said.

Angel was quiet for a while.

“I think Spike has to figure out what he has to do,” he said.

“Could you just stop being right? It’s annoying.”

I tried to smile, but it didn’t really work. 

“That’s part of the job description of being your brother.”

“What? Being right or being annoying?”

“Both.” 

I was so tired. 

“I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Do that. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

Once I was in bed, the crying really started.

\- - -

“Buffy? I thought you would be staying home today.” 

Giles looked worried. And tired. A bit like I felt. 

“No, I need to have something to do.” 

He nodded. I was supposed to open the store, but Giles had already opened it by the time I got there. Part of me itched to ask about Spike, to find out if he had gone home the night before. At the same time, I really didn’t want to know. If he hadn’t gone to his parents’ house, where would he have gone? To Dru. 

Work put my mind on other things, just as I had hoped it would do. Giles helped me get the three large boxes from the delivery van, but he left me to unpack them alone. Even when customers started turning up, he didn’t leave his office. I was swamped until Anya came, and then we were both kept busy. I didn’t even think about Spike once, until he stepped inside the store just before closing time. I had to look twice to make sure it was really him. He had his usual outfit, but he had two black eyes and a cast on his nose. 

He waited by the scented candles while I helped a customer, but as soon as I finished he stepped up to the counter. It was almost funny, the way the old lady almost jumped at the sight of him. He ignored her and looked me in the eyes.

“Can I talk to you?”

I nodded. I stepped out behind the counter and Spike took my hand. I let him weave his fingers through mine as he led me to the back room. Giles was in his office, but he left as soon Spike asked if he could borrow it. He didn’t look surprised at his son’s appearance, so I guess Spike had gone home the night before. Spike moved the chairs closer together. 

“How’s your nose?” I asked when we were alone. 

“It’s okay. Broken.” 

“I can see that.” 

I reached out and touched his nose carefully, before moving my hand up to his hair. I loosened it from the gel and held on to it. He leaned forward and rested his forehead on my hand. When he looked up again, he had tears in his eyes. 

“Buffy, everything’s a mess.” 

“Yeah,” I agreed. “It really is.” 

“I want you to know I didn’t cheat on you. It happened before you came home. Before we were together.”

“I know, but it still feels like it. You took me to that same alley, Spike.” 

I wiped my tears away.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been so fucked up, Buffy. When I met you, since Christmas, it’s been better. And then this…” 

He sat up straighter and leaned his head back. 

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He looked at me again. “For years, I tried to talk Dru in to having kids. She never wanted to.”

“Was that why you broke up?” 

“Yes. No. It was just one of many reasons why we weren’t right for each other. But I’ve always wanted a big family. You’ve seen my family, you know how they are. That was what I wanted. You can’t understand… I wanted it so much. I never wanted a broken family, to be a weekend dad.” 

My stomach turned into a knot. It was actually difficult to breathe. Why didn’t he just push a stake through my heart? That would’ve been easier to take.

“You want what your parents have,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“And now you have the chance.”

He was quiet for too long. I stood up. 

“It sounds like you have decided what you want to do,” I said. 

He stood up as well, quickly, and caught me before I left. 

“Not what I want, Buffy. What I want to do and what I have to do are two very different things right now.”

“What do you want?”

I knew it was the wrong question, but I had to ask anyway. I needed to hear his answer.

“I want you.” 

He pulled me close and put his arms around me. I wound my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. His t-shirt got wet from my tears.

“I want you so much,” he whispered against the top of my head. “It’s all I want.” 

His leather duster surrounded us both. I hugged him hard, inhaling his special smell of leather and cigarettes and Spike, before I let him go. 

“But that’s not what you’re going to do.”

“It’s my kid. I can’t leave my kid with her.” 

“But you can leave me?”

“Buffy, love…” He tried to hug me again but this time I backed away. “I hate this!”

“That makes two of us.”

He looked miserable. 

“I don’t know what else to do. I can’t walk away from it.”

It was probably the right thing to do. It still felt wrong. 

“You should go, Spike.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I think we already established that what you want to do and what you’re going to do are two different things.” 

He reached out his hand and touched my cheek, moved his fingers from my ear to my chin. Then he turned around and walked out.

\- - -

“You broke his nose.” 

Angel looked up. 

“He looked horrible,” I continued. “He had to have plaster on his nose and he has two black eyes.” 

“Are you crying?”

“He’s going back to Drusilla.”


	15. Chapter 15

_March_

“There’s really no difference between the green and the red m&m’s.”

“Of course there is. The red ones are better.” 

Tara hooked her arm through mine and walked a bit faster, leaving Anya and Xander behind. 

“Sometimes they drive me crazy,” she said in a low voice. “I like them, but god! Seriously? They fight about everything.”

We heard Anya made yet another argument for the red m&m’s. 

“I think they like fighting,” I said. “Knowing Anya, it’s probably because of the make up sex.” 

Tara giggled. 

“Probably.” 

Willow was waiting for us outside the movie theater and as soon as we were inside and the lights dimmed, I relaxed. Tara had been really great, doing her best to keep me busy every night for the past month, but to be honest I didn’t really think I could take much more. I wasn’t good at pretending someone hadn’t ripped my heart out. Just thinking about it made the by now familiar sick feeling return to my stomach. The stench of popcorn didn’t exactly help either and I swallowed to push the queasiness away. When Xander held out his bucket of popcorn towards me, I had to press my jaws together as I shook my head.

“Are you okay?”

Tara must have a sixth sense. She looked at me worriedly despite the darkness. 

“I’m fine,” I lied. Maybe I was getting better at it, because she nodded and relaxed back in her seat, her hand on Willow’s hand on the other side. I tried concentrating on the move, but costume dramas had never really been my thing. At least bored was a better feeling than crushed.

\- - -

“I can’t believe you fell asleep,” Anya said to Xander as we walked out. 

“I’m surprised you guys didn’t,” he answered with a yawn. “We should have seen that vampire movie instead.”

“Blood and gore? I don’t think so.”

“I think it might have been good,” I said. “Maybe next time?”

Xander smiled and put his hands briefly on my shoulders.

“See? Buffy’s my kind of girl.” He quickly flung his arm over Anya’s shoulders instead. “When it comes to movies, that is.” 

“Just because I don’t think it’s entertaining to watch people getting maimed?”

This time I grabbed Tara and steered us away from the argument. Willow kept up with us. 

“It’s too early to go home,” she said. “The Bronze?”

I quickly shook my head and forced a yawn. 

“We were really busy at the store today, so I think I’ll just head home. I’m beat.” 

“Or we could get a coffee? At the Espresso Pump?” Tara said. 

“Really?” Willow asked. “Caffeine at this hour? I won’t be able to sleep. At all.”

“Me neither”, I said. “I’ll just go home. You two go to the Bronze, and I’ll see you both on Tuesday?”

Willow accepted my excuse at once, but Tara looked at me carefully when she gave me a hug.

“Are you s-sure?”

“Yes. Thank you for tonight, it was fun. Bye.”

It was an unusually warm night for March, and I pretended it was summer as I walked through town. If it was summer, I would probably feel better. I wouldn’t think about Spike every minute and I wouldn’t wonder what he was doing. I would get over it, just as Anya thought I should already have done. She had gone on and on about some stupid rule, that if you had a year long relationship, you could be sad for six months, and if you had been together for ten years, it would take you five to get over it. Since I had been with Spike for just over two months, or more like one and a half by her count, I should just pick myself up and move on. I was probably some kind of freak not to be over him by now. 

The house was empty when I came home, but Angel had left some food for me in the fridge. I looked at the plate before I emptied it in the garbage. He had it in his head that I was not eating enough, but the truth was that I just wasn’t hungry. At least my brother had finally found something to do with his time rather than hanging out at home the entire time. The first couple of weeks after the break up had been torture, with him hanging over my shoulder the entire time. Managing some crappy band at least kept him out of my way. 

On my way up to my room, I stopped outside Spike’s room. The guest room, I reminded myself. I was really just checking that his things were still there, I told myself, before I found myself inside the room. I buried my head in the pillow, taking a deep breath. It still smelled like Spike. And his bed was comfier than my bed anyway.

\- - -

“We need more slug-candles. Could you order fifty more? No, make that a hundred.” 

I looked incredulously at Anya. 

“Again? What’s wrong with people?”

It was a good thing the shop was closed while we were doing inventory. I shook my head and wrote down the order. 

“I bet we’re the only place in Sunnydale where you can get candles that smells of slug as well as burba weed,” I said. “What is burba weed, anyway?”

“Something that sells well,” Anya answered. “We need some more incense holders and crystal balls. And bat wings.” 

Sometimes I really questioned the sanity of my fellow citizens. I told Anya as much while I wrote her orders down. When I looked up, she stared at me with a disapproving look.

“What?”

“If you’re going to make fun of everything, I might just do this myself.” 

“Sorry. No more fun. Promise.” 

“Good. We need eyes of newt.”

“And cauldrons? Or maybe some more wands. Oh, oh, we need some ground unicorn horn as well!”

I really couldn’t help it. I giggled as Anya took the order book from me. 

“Go to the bookshelves. Find out what we need. Now go away.”

Anya really needed a sense of humor. I grabbed a pen and a notebook and went over to the bookshelves. While I tried to figure out if we needed more copies of “Love Spell for Beginners” or “Wicca for Dummies”, I suddenly heard Giles’ voice. The door to the back room was open and his voice carried surprisingly well from his office. 

“I really can’t give you any advice on this.” 

I looked at the open door. Should I close it?

“No, William, this is your mess.” 

I moved closer. Was Spike there? I hadn’t even heard a single thing about him in a month. I tried to listen, but all I heard was Giles’ voice. He must be on the phone. 

“It really doesn’t matter what your intentions were, does it? No, she seems fine.” 

Who? Me? 

“No, of course she isn’t fine, but honestly, son, I haven’t talked to her about you. I don’t think she needs it.”

I pushed the door shut. That feeling in my stomach returned and I hurried to the bathroom. No, I didn’t need to hear anymore about him. Sometimes even thinking about everything was enough to make me throw up. When Giles came back out, I was taking inventory of the books on the mezzanine floor.

\- - -

“Oz’s band is playing next weekend.” 

We were in Willow’s dorm room. She had a poster for Dingoes Ate My Baby on her wall, and while she might think about it as Oz’s band, all I could think about that it was Spike’s band. 

“We should go,” Tara answered and turned a page in the magazine she read. “I heard they’ve improved.” 

“They have,” Willow said. “Oz even told me the record company is talking about sending them on tour this summer.” 

“That’s great.” Tara smiled. 

“What do you say, Buffy? The Bronze next Saturday?”

“Maybe,” I said. “I’m working late that day. We’ll see.” 

It really was too bad that Sunnydale didn’t have anywhere else to go on a Saturday night. 

“You have to come,” Willow said. “You’ve never even seen them.”

“Yeah, I’ll try to,” I said. “I’ve just been really tired after work, so I’m not making any promises.” 

Willow settled for that. When she left the room to go to the bathroom, I turned to Tara.

“Don’t you ever get jealous?”

“About what?”

“That she talks so much to Oz.”

When Tara had first told me that the reason they were friends with Oz was that Willow had used to date him, I hadn’t understood how she could stand it. I still couldn’t. Tara looked seriously at me.

“No. I u-used to get jealous, in the beginning, but not anymore. I think it’s worse for him. Sometimes he looks at me like he really h-hates me.” 

I couldn’t understand how anyone could not like Tara.

“Because you have her?”

“Yes, I think so. What’s the matter?” she asked when I put my head back on my hands with a sigh. 

“I guess I’m more like Oz. I can’t stand it,” I confessed. “That Spi… That he’s with _her._ ” 

“Maybe it would help if you talked a bit about it,” Tara said after a while. 

“What’s there to say? He knocked her up, he’s doing the right thing, and I’m alone.” 

“That would be a start.” 

I hadn’t really talked about it at all. Not with Tara, not with Angel. If I could get a hold of Cordelia, I might have been able to talk to her, but she had vanished without a trace. All I knew was that, just like me, she hadn’t returned for the spring semester.

“I can’t.” 

Tara put a hand on my arm. 

“When you can, I’m here.”

“Thanks.” 

I blinked away the tears and walked over to Willow’s bookshelf. She came back as I found her high school yearbook. 

“You went to Sunnydale all through school?” I asked. 

“Yes. You didn’t, did you? I’m sure I would have remembered you.”

“No, boarding school. A friend of mine did, for a while. Cordelia?”

“Cordelia Chase?”

The tone of her voice made me look up.

“Yeah?”

“Oh. I’m sure she’s changed since we were kids.” 

“She’s great. We’ve been best friends since we were thirteen. What?” I added when Willow bit her lip. 

“She wasn’t very friendly when she lived here. Me and Xander actually had a party when she left.”

“You did?”

I looked at Willow again. She had always seemed nice, and this surprised me.

“As I said, I’m sure she’s changed, but back then she was kind of… mean. She had her little following that always did exactly what she wanted. Here, look.”

She took out another book and flipped through the pages until she found what she was looking for. She held it out for me. I recognized Cordelia at once. She was sitting with a couple of girls that looked vaguely familiar. The caption said their names were Harmony and Aura. I was sure I had met them once or twice during a holiday. 

“The richest and most popular girls,” Willow explained. “They thought they ruled the school. Horrible.” 

I looked at the picture again. They were smiling. They honestly didn’t seem that bad. 

“Cordelia has never been anything but nice to me,” I said. “And as you said, it was a long time ago.” 

“Of course. Sorry.” She blushed and took the book back. “Oh, hey, there are other people here you might know. They did this whole ‘famous people’-spread that year.” 

She flipped through the pages again before handing it back. Darla and Drusilla were standing next to each other, smiling at the camera, Darla’s blond hair in contrast to Dru’s dark brown curls. They looked so young. 

“What’s that?”

Tara walked up beside us and looked over my shoulder. I held it so she could see.

“I think…” Willow turned to the next page. “Yes, there. Look!”

I looked at the picture. William Giles, it said, and if it hadn’t I wasn’t sure I would have recognized him. The picture was black and white and his hair was dark and curly. It fell down into his face. The glasses didn’t do him any favors. Next to it was another picture, taken outside. With the hair slicked back and bleached, the glasses gone, he looked like the Spike I knew. He sat on top of a table, Dru next to him. I dropped the book and pushed my way out.

\- - -

The door to Willow’s room wasn’t closed properly when I came back from the bathroom, making it impossible to miss the raised voices. 

“…insensitive thing you’ve ever done!”

“I didn’t mean to, I just thought it would be fun with the pictures.”

“Really? First you tell her that her best friend’s the worst person you’ve ever met, and then you go on to show her pictures of her boyfriend with the girl he left her for? What were you thinking, Willow?”

“Babe, I’m sorry. I’ll apologize to her. I didn’t think!”

“No, you didn’t.” This time Tara didn’t shout. “I’ll talk to you later.” 

The door opened and Tara stepped out, almost knocking me over. When we both regained our balance, she closed the door behind her. 

“Let’s go to my place.” 

I followed her to her room on the other side of the campus. While Willow’s room was bright and filled with pastel colors, Tara’s was dark with black walls and red cushions. 

“I like the lights,” I said and looked at the fairy lights that she had on the walls, right under the ceiling. 

“Thanks. This is Miss Kitty Fantastico. Or just Kitty.” She lifted up the kitten that had welcomed us as soon as we stepped inside. She handed the cat over as I sat down. I petted its soft fur. 

“I didn’t know you were allowed to have pets in the dorms.”

“You’re not. Don’t tell anyone.”

I smiled a little.

“I won’t.”

“I’m really sorry about what Willow did,” Tara said and sat down next to me.

“You shouldn’t apologize for her. And you shouldn’t fight with her because of me.” 

“It just wasn’t right. I saw how it upset you.”

“I’m just so sick of feeling this way,” I said. “Sometimes it feels as all I do is cry and sleep.” 

“That bad?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “And every time I think about everything, I just feel nauseous. And then I feel silly. Anya says that I should’ve been over him weeks ago.”

“Anya doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” 

I looked up. 

“No?”

“No. You love him. There’s no expiration date on heartbreak. Unfortunately.”

There I went with the waterworks again. The kitten jumped away from my lap. 

“I can’t believe he’s back with her. Again,” I said. “I hate this.”

Tara hugged me until I managed to stop crying. I wiped my face. 

“This is the reason I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing to do. He got her pregnant and now he’s taking his responsibility. No reason on dwelling on things you can’t change.” 

Tara opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed it again. 

“What?” I asked.

“N-nothing. You’re right, things can’t change. I’m just thinking…” She looked at me with big, unsecure eyes. “Is he s-sure he’s the father?”

For a split second, hope surged through me. Then it disappeared. 

“He slept with her. She’s pregnant. I’m pretty sure that’s how things work.” 

Tara was quiet for a while, but then she nodded.

“You’re right. You know what, on Saturday, why don’t we do something fun? Just you and me, and far away from the Bronze?”

“That sounds good,” I admitted. I was glad I had a friend like Tara.


	16. Chapter 16

“Thank you for shopping at the Magic Box.” 

I smiled at the last customer. As soon as she had stepped outside, I turned over the sign on the door to “closed” and locked the door behind her. 

“Is it always this crazy on Saturdays?” Tara asked. 

“At least this close to full moon,” I answered while I lowered the blinds on the window. “So what’s the plan for tonight?”

Willow had decided to go to the Bronze to see _Dingoes Ate My Baby_ play, but Tara had stayed with me, as she had promised. 

“I thought we could get some coffee, and then maybe rent a movie?”

“This really is a small town, isn’t it?” I sat down at the table with her. My feet hurt. “No Starbucks and only one place to go.” 

“Well, we could rent a helicopter and go to L.A. over the weekend?”

I laughed. 

“Let’s,” I agreed. “Or we could go to the Bronze.”

She looked at me.

“Are you s-sure?”

No.

“Yes.”

\- - -

The band hadn’t started when we got there. We found Willow, Xander and Anya pretty quick. They had been able to get a table pretty close to the stage, and while they seemed a bit surprised to see us, they quickly made room for Tara and me. I scanned the crowd, but besides some people I recognized from the shop I didn’t see anyone I knew. 

“Who are you looking for?” Tara asked. 

“Dru,” I admitted. “Not that I want to see her.”

“If you do, just ignore her.” 

I nodded. Xander took a round to the bar and I sipped on the beer he got me. It wasn’t that great, so I put it down on the table after that first sip. 

“Oh, look, there’s Giles!”

Anya pointed to the other side of the room. Sure enough, there he stood. He looked really out of place in the same tweed suite he usually wore to the shop. I wondered briefly why he hadn’t changed, but then I saw Spike’s mother and two of his sisters as well. I tried to see if Dru was with them, but if she was she was standing where I couldn’t see her. Anya jumped up and down and waved until she caught Giles’ attention. He nodded in our direction and whispered something in his wife’s ear. Anne turned in our direction, but before she could see me I ducked behind Xander. I really didn’t want to talk to them. Luckily enough, the lights dimmed and the large spotlights came on. The band walked up on stage. 

Spike walked to his drums with the same confident swagger he always had. When he sat down and hit the first beats, he looked out over the room with a smirk on his face. The last time I had seen him on stage had been last summer when Vampire Truth had been doing a stadium-tour across the country. The small stage of the Bronze sure was a long way from that, but from the look on Spike’s face you could never guess it. He had the exact same attitude. I looked away, but I winced as the beat suddenly was off. I looked up, and Spike was staring straight at me. He found the rhythm again and the song really started. 

I had no idea if the band was any good or not. All I could see was Spike’s blue eyes, as they stayed glued to mine the entire set. It was first as the band walked off the stage that I could even think again. 

“I think he misses you too,” Tara said in a low voice as the lights came up again. 

“It doesn’t change anything,” I answered. “This was a bad idea. I’m going home.” 

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. I’ll call you tomorrow.” 

I gave her a hug before I made my way through the crowd and stepped outside. I took a deep breath and leaned against the wall. What had I been thinking? With a sigh, I started walking home. 

“Buffy! Wait!” 

I turned around. Spike pushed his way past the bouncers and ran after me. He stopped just in front of me. 

“I saw you in the audience,” he said.

“I shouldn’t have come.” 

“Why not? God, this is…” 

“Excuse me, could I get an autograph?” someone interrupted. 

We both stared at the group of girls. Usually, Spike was very polite, but now he just shook his head. 

“Rude much?” one of the girls said. They walked away, but stopped before the entrance to the Bronze. We could hear them whispering. 

“Can we talk?” Spike asked me. “Please? My car is just around the corner.”

We walked in silence to the car. He sat down behind the wheel, both hands on it, but he didn’t start the engine. I just looked at him. His hair, his face. The black eyes were gone, his nose looked just like it always had. Finally he let go of the wheel and turned to look at me. 

“Buffy, I miss you like crazy.”

I sighed. 

“I miss you too, but that doesn’t change anything.” 

“No, I know. But… We’ve been friends for years, and now we’re not even talking?” He reached for my hands but I pulled away. “The thing is that I miss you as a friend. Every time something happens, my first thought is to call you. It kills me that I can’t do that.”

“This has nothing to do with being friends, Spike. We weren’t _friends_ two month ago.” 

“I know. But if we can’t have that, why can’t we be friends?”

_Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. Because I don’t want to be friends when I know how good it is to be you girlfriend._

“Do you really think we can go back to that?”

I blinked away the tears. 

“Yes. We have to, because this hurts too much. Can’t we at least try?” He had tears in his eyes too. “I could stop by the store some time, or call you. We could try. See how it goes.”

Wouldn’t it be better to have him in my life at least a little bit? To talk to him, even if I couldn’t kiss him? 

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

The smile on his face convinced me I had made the right decision. 

“Yes. But now I’m going home.”

“I can drive you.” He reached for the keys. “It’s no problem.”

“I’ll walk.” 

I could try to be friends, but not at that moment. At that moment I needed some fresh air, and a long walk.

\- - -

Spike’s things were gone from the room. The only thing left untouched was the bed. If we were friends, I really shouldn’t feel the need to sleep in his bed anymore, should I? I could be stronger than that. I turned off the lights and walked back to my own room. The only reason I took his pillow with me was that it was better than my own. Of course that was the only reason.

\- - -

“Buffy? Are you all right?”

I looked up from my position on the bathroom floor. Angel almost looked as if he was still asleep, his hair standing up from his head and lines from his pillow on his face. 

“I’m great. It’s just so much fun throwing up.” 

He kneeled next to me and pushed my hair from my face. 

“You look a bit pale.”

“I think I ate something bad.”

“Do you want some water?”

“No. It’ll only come back up.”

I think I fell asleep on the cold floor, and I felt a little better when I woke up again. I could hear Angel down in the kitchen but I took a quick shower before I headed down. 

“Coffee?”

Angel poured me a cup without waiting for my answer. I put my hands around it to warm them up. He sat down next to me at the kitchen counter with his own cup. 

“You still look kind of pale.”

“I feel better. A bit tired.”

“What did you do last night?”

“I went to the Bronze, but no, it’s not a hangover. I just had one beer. It was probably the chicken I had for lunch.” 

“Didn’t Spike’s new band have a gig at the Bronze yesterday?”

“Yeah. They were good.” 

“Did you talk to him?”

“Yes.”

“That explains it.”

“What?” 

I stared at him. He looked very serious. 

“Buffy, I’m saying this because I care for you. Spike is one of my best friends, but he’s not in good place right now. You’re entire body is telling you to stay away from him. Listen to it.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Angel. It’s not my body talking to me; it’s just a bad piece of chicken. I have to get ready for work.” 

I left before he had the chance to say anything more.


	17. Chapter 17

“No, look at this.” Willow leaned across the table and held her book towards Xander. “See? Everything’s very logical.” 

“I take your word for it.” Xander didn’t even look at the open pages. 

“But it turns into a pattern! Don’t you see it?”

Xander smiled and took another donut, but he didn’t answer. Willow leaned back in her seat with a sigh. She held out the book for Tara, who actually did look at the page. At least her smile was a bit nicer than Xander’s grin. Willow had gotten over her temporary aversion for math and was back to preaching its glory.

“The only math I like is money,” Anya said seriously. “I like the way everything adds up in the books.” 

She was actually really good at the bookkeeping part of business, but the longer I worked at the Magic Shop, the more convinced I became that Giles had hired me to take care of the customers. Sometimes Anya forgot everything about being polite and nice when she saw the possibility of making a big sale. I finished the sale and the customer left.

“Buffy, if you’re not going to stop twitching, I won’t be responsible for my actions. You’re driving me insane!”

It wasn’t the first time Anya had told me. I sighed and forced myself to stop. This Tuesday was unusually calm, and to be honest it was making me antsy. I kept looking at the big clock on the wall. 

“Sorry,” I said. It was almost three. I didn’t even notice the twitching start again before Anya pushed me in the direction of the back room.

“Go away. Unpack some boxes. Whatever. He’ll be here later.”

Maybe it would be better to do some unpacking. It would take my mind off things. The back room was quiet and dark, the sunlight seeping in through the dirty window not really providing much brightness. I hit the light switch as I closed the door to the store behind me. 

“Hi, pet.” 

I jumped.

“God, Spike! You scared me.” 

He was sitting on the floor next to the back door. His duster was on the floor next to him and his hair was a mess, but he smiled at me. 

“I thought we’d established a nice rut with me stopping by on Tuesdays? Nothing to be scared of.” 

“Yeah, but you usually show up through the door with the bell on it? On the front of the store?” 

After deciding to be friends, Spike had started showing up at the shop every Tuesday. He’d usually show up some time after his latest hangover was manageable and before it was time for band practice. 

“Yeah… decided I didn’t need to see the Scoobies today.”

“Scoobies?”

“Your little group. The ones who are always around? Annoying little kids?”

I sat down next to him.

“Oh, you mean my _friends_. My friends, who are the same age as me.” 

“Yeah. Those.” 

“I take it you’re having a bad week.” 

“Not worse than usual.” 

That didn’t really say anything. After moving out from our house, he had stayed with his parents for a week before moving back in with Dru. From what he told me, they were at each other’s throats the entire time. Part of me was happy to hear that. The other part of me was ashamed of that happiness. 

“What’s new with the band?” I asked to change the subject. That was always good to do when we got close to talking about Dru. 

“That tour looks like it’s going to happen,” he said. “And we have some new songs. My life might be shit, but it’s great for creativity.” 

“Any new gigs?”

“No. I had forgotten how lousy it is to be in a small band in a small town. There’re three places we can play, and we’ve already done all of them in the last month. Twice.” 

He took a swig from a beer bottle I hadn’t seen he had been holding. He held it out to me, but I shook my head. 

“I’m still working. Sort of, at least.”

“Dru wants me to go with her for the sonogram.” 

So much for changing the subject. I took the beer bottle from him and took a mouthful. No, beer hadn’t improved since last. I handed it back to him.

“Don’t you want to?” I asked. 

“Not really.” 

He handed me the bottle again. It was almost empty, so I finished it.

“It just makes it so real.” He continued when I didn’t say anything. “Not that it’s not real now, but Dru’s not even showing yet. Seeing it? I don’t know.”

“I think I need more alcohol if we’re going to continue this conversation,” I said. 

“Let’s go.”

He stood up and reached out a hand for me. I stood up and brushed the dust off my jeans. 

“I’m still working.”

“So? It’s not like the boss is around to stop you.”

He really wasn’t. Giles had started taking Tuesdays off. I looked at the closed door to the store. It was not like they really needed me. The place was dead. 

“Buffy, I really need to talk to someone.” Spike said. “Please?”

“I’ll just talk to Anya. Wait here.” 

I walked back into the store. 

“Anya? Is it okay if I take off earlier today?”

She looked up from the register. 

“Earlier? I thought you were waiting for Spike to show up?”

In the corner of my eye, I saw Tara look up from the book she was reading. I ignored her and walked behind the counter. 

“He kind of already did,” I said in a low voice. “And I figured that since the place is practically deserted, I could leave?”

“What’s going on?”

Tara stood behind me.

“Spike is needy,” Anya said. “Buffy wants to leave.” 

“Buffy.” 

I hated the disappointed tone in Tara’s voice. She wasn’t happy that I was friends with Spike. 

“He wants to take a walk,” I said. “And talk to a friend. Is that so strange, considering everything?”

“No,” Anya said. “Not strange at all. But if Xander had done what Spike has, I wouldn’t want to be the one he talks to.” 

“Did what?”

Xander leaned over the counter and smiled at us. 

“I’m not making this a group decision,” I said. “I’m leaving early, okay?”

I was halfway across the floor before Anya called out.

“Fine. But then you’ll open tomorrow!”

I waved and walked to the storage room. Spike was nowhere to be seen, but the back door was open. He was leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand, when I came out. 

“Took you long enough,” he said.

“I’m here now. Where are we going?”

The bar Spike led us to was located in a basement. I wasn’t sure I would have been able to find the place by myself, and when we walked inside I became convinced that I wouldn’t have wanted to. The place was filthy and almost empty. Spike led us to a booth and sat down. 

“What is this place?” I asked. 

“Just a bar.” He shrugged. “I’ll get us something to drink.”

He got up and walked over to the bar. The bartender nodded at him, as if they knew each other. When he walked back to our table, he had a bottle of tequila and two glasses with him. 

“Tequila? Really?”

“I thought you said you needed more alcohol.” He poured us each a shot. “Willy will be right here with some lemons.” 

“Because that’s going to make this so much better.” I lifted the glass, smelling the content. “God, this is vile.” 

Spike poured the shot into his mouth and put the empty glass back on the table. 

“It’s not bad.” 

He refilled his glass as the bartender put a plate with lemon slices on the table. I took one and lifted the glass again. I didn’t manage to down the entire shot the way Spike had, but I took a small sip before biting into the lemon. 

“Blarrgh.”

Spike laughed, his eyes soft as he looked at me.

“Didn’t they teach you to drink at that fancy boarding school of yours?”

“Sure, right between calculus and English.”

“That _would_ explain your abuse of the language.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny.”

“I thought so.” He grinned and refilled his once again empty glass. I put my glass down on the table. 

“So when’s this sonogram?”

Spike’s eyes grew dark. 

“Monday.”

“Is it really that scary? You already know she’s pregnant. You’re having a baby in September.”

“I know.” He took another shot. “I guess I’m still hoping it’s not true.”

I sipped the tequila again. 

“Avoidance might not be the best technique,” I said. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“I thought talking was the point of all this.” I gestured at the empty bar. “You said you needed to.”

“Changed my mind.”

He refilled my glass, even though it wasn’t empty, before refilling his own. I wrinkled my nose as I took another sip. When I looked at Spike again, he was smiling.

“What?”

“You’re adorable.” 

“And you’re drunk.”

“Not nearly enough.” He downed yet another shot.

\- - -

“We should leave,” I told Spike.

While the tequila bottle was almost empty, the bar was not. I wasn’t sure where all the people had come from, but I was certain I had never seen any of them around Sunnydale before. For a small town, it sure seemed to have a lot of low life. 

“Why? Do you have somewhere to be?” he asked.

“No, but I’m pretty sure you do.” 

“I do?”

“Band practice? The thing you do most nights?”

“Oh. That. Guess you’re right.” 

Spike stumbled as he stood up. I ignored the stares from the guy sitting at the table next to ours as I hurried to be at Spike’s side. He put an arm around my shoulder. 

“We should do this again,” he said. “Soon.”

“Watching you drink an entire bottle of liquor? Yeah, let’s do it again tomorrow.”

Spike laughed. 

“Sassy. I like sassy in a girl. Woman. You.” 

“Sure you do.” 

I opened the door, giving the little bell an evil stare as we walked out. It had the exact same sound as the one in the Magic Box. 

“Oh God.”

Spike sounded miserable. I looked at him. He was staring at the stairs. I followed his stare, but I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

“What?” I asked.

“Someone moved Mount Everest and placed it outside Willy’s bar.” 

“Spike! Don’t be stupid.”

I half dragged him up the stairs. As soon as we passed the last step, he let go of me. I barely had time to react before he threw up next to a dumpster. 

“Great.” He didn’t hear me, and I didn’t really expect him to either. 

It was dark outside and I pulled my jacket closer around me. For an April evening, it was unusually cold. For a second I wished I had had more of that tequila. At least then I wouldn’t feel so cold. Or worried, for that matter. I really had no idea where we were, or which way to go to get out of there. Spike threw up again. Oh no. The smell reached me, and I hurried over to the other side of dumpster. After throwing up, I spit and stood up.

“Hi guys.”

I turned. Oz was standing just outside the entrance to the bar, his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He looked as if he had been standing there for some time. 

“Hi,” I said. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for Spike.” We both looked at Spike. He had both hands on the wall, leaning over. 

“Want to help me pour him into my van?” Oz said. I nodded. 

Oz had parked his van a block away. With me on Spike’s right side and Oz on his left, we helped him walk there. Oz opened the back door and Spike practically fell into the back of the van. Oz closed the door behind him before he turned around and smiled a little at me. 

“Do you want a ride?”

“That would be pretty great.”

We climbed inside. Before starting the engine, Oz made a call on his cell phone. 

“Found him. Meeting’s canceled.”

He hung up again. 

“That was quick,” I said as Oz put the van in motion. 

“We kind of figured he would be out for the count.”

“The band?” I asked and he nodded. “You didn’t seem surprised at finding him there.”

“I wasn’t. Didn’t expect to see you, though.”

“He said he needed to talk.” 

“Did he?”

“He decided it was better to get drunk.” 

“That usually how it goes,” Oz agreed. 

“So this is a regular occurrence?” 

“Pretty much. The others are getting annoyed. They’re talking about kicking him out of the band.”

I put my arms across my chest and looked out of the window. Spike had enough going on without having to worry about the band too. 

“I thought he was writing a lot of new songs,” I said without looking at Oz. 

“He is. Angry songs.”

“Isn’t that what you guys do?”

“Yeah. It’s just that we kind of need a drummer to play them.” 

“He’s going through a rough patch.” 

“Preaching to the choir.” Oz concentrated on the driving, but he spared me a glance. “I told the guys he’s the reason we even have a record deal.”

Oz came to a halt outside the house where Spike lived. I stayed in the van as he helped Spike to the front door, and when the door opened before they got to it I was glad I had. The light from the inside of the house made it difficult for me to see more than Dru’s shadow as she let Spike in.


	18. Chapter 18

I blinked in the early morning light. My cell phone rang again, and I looked at the alarm before answering. Seven in the morning. This had better be good.

“Hello?”

_“Oh my God, Buffy! I can’t believe I finally got hold of you!"_

I sat up.

“Cordelia?!”

_“Yes! I have, like, five minutes, but I had to call you! I miss you! How are you?”_

She sounded happy. I hadn’t heard a word from her since the day she left for her Christmas cruise. 

“I’m… fine.” I rubbed my eyes to wake up properly. “How are you? Where are you?”

_“I’m great! We’re traveling, seeing the world, all that. I’m sorry I haven’t called you sooner, but it has been so difficult getting to a phone! Of course, at first I thought it would be a total drag to spend six months with my parents, but it’s turning out okay.”_

“You’re… traveling?” 

_“Yes! God, didn’t you get my messages? I told Lindsey to tell you when he cleaned out my part of the room. Are you very mad at me for not coming back to college? I promise I’ll be there in September! We’ll be roomies again!”_

“But… “ I stopped. She didn’t know? Had she really no clue about what her father had done?

_“What? Oh, am I calling at a bad time? I totally forgot about the time difference! What time is it where you are?”_

“Quarter past seven. Where are you?”

_“I’m in Brazil! But… seven? Are you sure?”_

“I’m pretty sure. I’m in California.”

_“In California? As in Sunnydale? What are you doing there? Shouldn’t you be in Boston?”_

Suddenly, she didn’t sound quite as bubbly anymore. I bit my lip. 

“I kind of had to… drop out. Or not ‘drop out’ exactly, it’s more like a leave of absence. But I’ll probably transfer. Sunnydale University is supposed to be pretty good, and I’ve gotten to know some people and it… might be all right.” 

I forced myself to stop. I pulled my legs up and leaned my forehead on my knees.

_“Has something happened? Is it your brother?”_

“He’s fine. I’m fine. Something… Yeah, something happened.” 

_“What? Buffy, you’re making me worried. What’s going on? My parents are going to be back any second, and then I’ll have to go, so don’t drag this out. Just tell me.”_

I took a deep breath. 

“You dad took all the money from the band, the band split up and now I live with my brother because we can’t afford the college fee anymore. Oh, and I work in retail.”

Cordelia was quiet for so long, I had to look at the display to make sure the call hadn’t disconnected. 

_“What?”_

“I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you.”

_“My dad… took money? What are you talking about?”_

“I don’t know what happened, Cordy, but the money’s gone. And Charlie was supposed to pay my tuition, but he didn’t, so I had to look at alternatives. I’m so, so sorry. I tried to call you at Christmas, but all I got was your voicemail.” 

_“But how is this possible? It can’t be true!”_

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say. I hated to hear her so upset. 

_“How can you be so calm about this?”_

“I wasn’t, not at first. But I’ve had time to get used to it. I’m glad you’re going back to school this fall. I’ll come visit when you’re back. We’re still best friends, right?”

_“How can you even want to be friends with me if my dad did those things?”_

“You’re not your dad. Seriously Cordy, don’t worry about things. Everything’s going to work out.” 

I could hear her breathing. 

_“This is crazy,”_ she said. _“They’re coming back, I have to go. I’ll call you, okay? Bye.”_

\- - -

When I came back from my usual morning run, Angel was up. He looked up from his paper and smiled at me. Good, I had managed to avoid the morning crankiness. 

“You’re up early,” he said. 

“My phone woke me up,” I said and got my bowl of cereals. 

Angel threw the paper down so violently he accidentally tipped his coffee over. He swore and tried to wipe the black liquid from the table. 

“I told Spike not to call you,” he said angrily. “What did he have to say?” 

“What? Spike?” I handed him a towel. “Spike didn’t call. _Cordelia_ called.”

“Cordelia? How… What… Where…?” 

“Yeah, that was my reaction too. She’s in Brazil. She thought I was in Boston.”

“She didn’t know?”

“No. I had to tell her. It was horrible.” I sighed. “She sounded devastated.” 

He looked at me. 

“Yeah, it’s… difficult, being the one who has to deliver bad news to people you love.” 

I met his eyes. It was obvious he wasn’t talking about Cordelia anymore. 

“But you don’t love me,” I said. “So I don’t get why you waited so long before you told me.” 

Angel just stared at me.

“Is that what you think?” he finally asked. 

I shrugged.

“It wasn’t that hard to figure out. And it’s okay. I mean, we get along alright now.” 

“Buffy… That’s not true. You’re my sister. Of course I love you.” 

“You don’t send people you love thousands of miles away.” 

I got up from the table. 

“No, stop.” He stood up. “I’m not letting you walk away this time.” 

“Does it matter?” 

I walked to the living room, but Angel was right at my heels.

“Yes, it does. I can’t let you believe that I don’t love you. I’ve done everything I possibly could to keep you in my life.” 

I turned around. Don’t shout, I told myself. 

“You sent me to the other side of the country so that you wouldn’t have to deal with me. I don’t call that keeping me in your life.” 

“Don’t you get it? I didn’t have a choice!”

“God, Angel!” So much for not shouting. “You always have an excuse, don’t you? Nothing is ever your fault!”

“Not this!” 

He grabbed my arms and made me sit down on the couch, before he sat down on the table in front of me. I crossed my arms across my chest. I hated him. I really did. He took a deep breath and I could see how his face changed from strained and angry to sad. 

“I’ve done all this the wrong way, haven’t I?” He sighed and leaned back a little. 

“Doesn’t matter.” I tried to get up, but he stopped me again.

“This is one of the things I’ve done wrong. I’ve let you leave every time things have become difficult. Not this time. This time, you have to listen to me.” 

I rolled my eyes and looked at the wall on the other side of the room.

“When mom and dad died, the court didn’t want me to be your legal guardian.”

That caught my attention. When I looked at him, he met my eyes. 

“I never told you, because I didn’t think you needed more things to worry about. But I had to fight pretty hard to keep you. They wanted to send you to Aunt Eugenia in Idaho.” 

“What, the crazy cat lady?”

Angel smiled despite himself. Eugenia was dad’s sister. The last time we had seen her, two years before mom and dad’s accident, she had lived in a tiny house in the middle of nowhere, with at least fifteen cats. 

“Yeah. They figured she was better suited than the single 27-year old L.A. guy with a half-assed career in music.”

“There hasn’t been anything ‘half-assed’ about your career.”

“It was back then. My second album wasn’t doing too great. I barely had enough money to pay the rent. If we hadn’t found this house, I would’ve been evicted.” 

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” Angel answered. “You’d be surprised how cheap real estate is in Sunnydale. Having a house made the court a little bit happier. When I got a good record deal with the band, that appeased them a little more. At least until they realized how much travel that would include.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yes, ‘oh’. If I didn’t want you to call Idaho home, I had to come up with a solution.”

I had never seen it from that perspective before. The first couple of years, before _Vampire Truth_ had hit it big, Angel had spent most of his time on tour. Later on they had been able to take some time off, but still toured most of the year. If I hadn’t been in school, where would I have been? From what Angel told me, the most likely answer would’ve been somewhere between Idaho Falls and Pocatello, desperately trying to remove cat hair from my clothes. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” I asked. 

“I didn’t want to make you upset.”

“Things might have been different if you did. I just figured you wanted me out of the way.” 

He sighed. 

“I’m sorry. I just wanted you to have some kind of normal life. I love you. You’re my sister, and all I ever wanted was for you to have a good life.”

“Well, I’m not sure our lives really counts as ‘normal’ anyway.” 

Some of that sadness disappeared from his face at my lame attempt at a joke. 

“I guess it doesn’t,” he agreed. “But if we just assume that we love each other from now on, maybe it can be a little bit easier?”

I nodded. When we hugged, it felt as if I had my brother back.


	19. Chapter 19

“Do you want to go to the Bronze on Friday?”

I took a bite of my ice cream and shook my head. It was my day off and Tara and I were officially taking a walk, but the day was too beautiful to do anything but sit in the sun and eat ice cream.

“Can’t. I’m invited to a party.”

“A party?” Tara asked. “Where? Can I come?”

I laughed.

“Anything to avoid the Bronze, right?”

She smiled.

“It’s just nice to do something different for once.”

“I know. And I want you to come! It’s at Spike’s.” 

“Spike’s?”

“It’s his birthday,” I answered. 

“Oh. I’m not s-sure.”

I looked at her. She was looking down at her shoes. 

“Tara, you know we’re just friends.”

“I know. It’s just… I don’t think it’s good for you, Buffy.” She looked up at me with a worried look in her eyes. 

“Seriously, Tara, it’s not a big deal. We’ve been friends for years. Sure, we tried to be something else for a while, but it didn’t work out. We’re better off as friends anyways.” 

She didn’t look as if she believed me. 

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” I said after a while.

“I think I’d better not,” she said quietly. “But if you change your mind and want to go the Bronze, or something else, I’m up for it.”

I nodded before changing the subject. To be honest, _I_ didn’t really believe me when I said Spike and I were just fiends, but I figured that if I said it enough times, it would become true. It had to.

\- - -

“Buffy, hurry up!”

“I’ll be there in just a minute!” 

I applied the lipstick and looked at my image in the mirror. I had a new green top and a pair of black jeans, and both looked good on me. Angel was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs and he was not happy. 

“Finally,” was all he said when I came downstairs. 

The party had already started when we got there. Angel looked at me as we walked up to the door, but he didn’t say anything. The house was crowded, but it didn’t take long before I saw Spike. He smiled and made his way over to us. 

“Welcome!” He gave me a kiss on the cheek before reaching out his hand to Angel. “Good to see you again.”

“You too,” my brother answered. “I see the nose healed.” 

Spike laughed and touched his nose.

“Yeah, it’s as good as new. Come on in, there’s lots to drink.” 

I gave him his gift and he smiled and gave me a hug. 

“Angel!” Darla smiled as she hugged my brother. “I haven’t seen you in ages.” 

Spike rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand. He dragged me through the large living room and in to the empty kitchen. He handed me a bottle of beer from the fridge.

“What did you get me, pet?” He shook the box I had given him. “I can’t hear anything.” 

“You just have to open it.” 

I smiled at him. He ripped the paper off. 

“Buffy, this is great!” 

“It’s just a book.” 

It was a book of poems. I never understood why Spike liked poetry so much, but I had known as soon as I saw the book I had to get it for him.

“A first edition! Where did you find this?”

“There’s this small place next to…”

“Hi Buffy.”

Dru walked into the kitchen with a smile on her face. She put her arm around Spike’s waist and he immediately put his arm around her shoulders. I tried not to look, but my eyes drifted to her belly. She was definitely pregnant. 

“Look what Buffy got me.” 

He held out the book for her to see, but she didn’t pay it any attention. Instead she looked at me. 

“How are you?” she asked. “It’s been a long time.” 

“I’m fine,” I answered. “And you?”

“Absolutely great, now that the morning sickness has passed.” 

“That’s good. I have to see if…” 

I drifted off. I had no idea what I needed to see, but I knew I had to get out of the kitchen. I smiled at the both of them and walked back to the living room. 

The crowd was a mixture of old friends and people who were friends of _Dingoes Ate My Baby_. I talked to Oz for a while before I realized I had misplaced my beer somewhere. I went back into the kitchen. Spike and Dru were gone, but the kitchen was filled with people and it wasn’t easy getting to the fridge. I opened it and took a new bottle, but it was when I closed it that I saw the picture. It was attached to the fridge with two magnets, to really make sure it didn’t fall off. At first I had trouble seeing where the head was, but then everything fell into place as I looked at the sonogram picture of the baby. Of Dru and Spike’s baby. 

I turned around and went back to the living room. Oz was sitting in one of the couches and I sat down next to him. He was in the middle of a discussion about music with Devon, the singer of the band, and instead of trying to join the conversation I stared out over the room. Darla was at the other side of the room, and our eyes met. She looked away, but then she looked back and smiled. She said something to her friends before she walked across the room and sat down next to me on the couch. 

“How are you, Buffy?” 

“Just great.”

I turned away. 

“You know I’ve really tried to like you, right?” Darla said. 

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. 

“I did,” she continued. “I tried very much when I was dating Angel. Fancied myself a bit of a replacement mother. You didn’t really want one.” 

“Anyway,” she continued when I didn’t answer. She didn’t look at me, but at the rest of the room. “I know you always despised me a little after Angel and I broke up. You couldn’t understand that I stayed in the band, that I let him set the rules on how he treated me.” 

“Not my business,” I answered. Darla took a sip of her wine.

“You’re right, it wasn’t. And this isn’t really mine. But by staying in the band, I got to do what I loved. I got to play music, I got fame and fortune. Even if that last thing has been a little more fleeting than I would’ve thought.” She added the last part almost as a little joke and looked at me with a small smile before moving closer. “But what do you get?” Her voice was just a whisper as she looked out over the room again. 

I couldn’t stop my eyes from following her direction. Spike was dancing with Dru, really close to her, and she had her arms around his neck. Darla was right. What did I get, by keeping this up? I hated the way my throat closed up. I forced myself to take a deep breath, just to keep from crying. It worked. 

“Despite what you think,” Darla continued without looking away from Spike and Dru, “I do care about you, even if I don’t always like you. You’re like a sister, and God knows I don’t even always like my real sister. Be careful, Buffy.”

She got up from the couch, having said what she had come to say. Before leaving, she leaned over me and pressed a kiss on my head. I watched her as she returned to the party, smiling and laughing with the other as she sashayed through the crowd.

I found Angel on the second floor. He was standing in a group of his friends and they were all laughing. It took some time before I managed to catch his attention. He smiled at me and leaned closer to hear what I said.

“I’m going home.”

At once, he became serious.

“Did something happen?”

“No, I’m just tired.”

“Give me a minute, I’ll go with you.”

“No. Don’t be silly. You’re having a good time. Stay. I’ll walk home.”

He looked at me worriedly.

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. I’ll probably be asleep when you get home, so I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.” 

I gave him a hug before I left.

\- - -

I hadn’t even reached the corner before I heard the footsteps behind me. With a sigh, I turned around. 

“Angel, I told you…”

I stopped. Not Angel. Spike. 

“What are you doing?” I asked when he stopped in front of me.

“Oz said you left.”

“I’m tired. I’m going home.” 

“Don’t leave.” 

He stared at me intently. 

“Spike…” 

He took my hand. Then, quickly, he pulled me through the bushes and pushed me up against the house. 

“Don’t go.”

He kissed me. His lips were hard against mine as he pushed his tongue inside my mouth. I resisted, but then I just stopped. His lips became softer as I kissed him back. His hands moved from my hips, under my top. I felt his hard abs under his shirt. I dragged my hands up, to his shoulders. Then I shoved him away from me.

“Buffy?”

“Stop. Just stop.”

I pushed my way past him. When he reached for my arm, I shrugged him off. This time he didn’t stop me from leaving.


	20. Chapter 20

Spike was waiting for me outside the Magic box the next morning. As soon as he saw me, he threw his cigarette on the ground and put it out with his boot. 

“I thought you’d still be in bed,” I told him while I unlocked the door.

“I wanted to see you,” he said. 

Why did that simple phrase turn my stomach to a knot?

“Oh yeah?” I said in what I hoped was a casual tone and let him in. “Why?”

“I wanted to apologize.” 

He walked by me and jumped up and sat down on the counter, next to the cash register. I looked at him. 

“About yesterday,” he added. 

“What about yesterday?” I stayed by the table in the middle of the room. 

“Do you want me to start from the top?” He smiled a little, but I didn’t smile back. “Okay. To start with, I want to apologize for getting that drunk.” 

“That’s all?”

“No. I want to say I’m sorry for coming on to you.” 

I sat down on the bench, with my back against the hard edge of the table. I sighed. 

“You’re in trouble, Spike.”

He actually smiled.

“I know. That’s why I’m here, right?”

“I’m not talking about me,” I said. “I’m talking about you. Your _life._ ” 

He just looked at me. I looked away. I would never be able to say what I had to if I saw those blue eyes of his. 

“You’re drunk all the time,” I started. “The band’s had enough. And it’s not just the band. You made your decision. You want to be there for you kid. Well, if you really want that, you kind of have to be there for _you_ first.” 

I glanced at him. At least he was listening. 

“You can’t go on the way you have been doing. You have to move on. Accept it.” 

“If I don’t want to?”

His voice was so low I almost didn’t hear it. 

“You still have to. You don’t have a choice anymore.”

He was quiet. When I looked at him, he was looking down at the floor. I could see his jaw ticking. 

“You have to go home,” I told him. “And you have to love Dru. And when that baby comes along, you have to love him or her.” 

“And if I love someone else?”

“Spike, stop making this harder than it already is.” 

“So this is it? We’re not friends anymore?”

“I don’t think we’ve ever been _friends_ , Spike.” 

He looked at me, and I met his eyes. Finally, he nodded. Without another word, he left. It wasn’t until the door closed behind him that I let the tears fall. 

“Buffy?”

I looked up, startled. Giles was standing in the doorway to the storage room. 

“Giles! I’m sorry, I…” 

I tried to wipe the tears off my face. I hadn’t even noticed that the alarm had already been turned off when I unlocked the shop. Giles must’ve heard everything. With three long strides, he was in front of me and enclosed me in a big hug. 

“You did the right thing,” he said as I cried. “Good girl.”

\- - -

“And that’s why I won't be seeing him again.”

I stirred the milkshake with the straw. Giles had given me the day off, but instead of going home I had called Tara. We were sitting on the lawn in the middle of campus, and I had told her everything. I waited for her to get all smug, to tell me that this was what she had told me from the start, and I couldn’t look at her while I waited. The pink slush that had been my delicious strawberry milkshake was what had my attention instead. 

“I’m sorry, Buffy.”

I looked up. Tara looked sad. 

“What, no ‘I-told-you-so’s?” I tried to laugh but she just shook her head. 

“No. Just that. I’m sorry all this happened. And I’m a little bit glad that you did what you did.” 

“Thank you.” I blinked away the tears and gave her a hug. Afterwards, I sat up and smiled. 

“How are you feeling?” Tara asked.

“This is going to sound crazy, but I actually feel better. A bit lighter.” 

“That’s good. It means you’ve made the right decision.” 

“I guess it does.” 

I looked out over the campus. It was a nice afternoon and a lot of people were taking the chance to sit outside and study. Just then, a man who seemed a little familiar stepped out of the main building. 

“I think I know that guy,” I told Tara and nodded in the direction.

She turned around and looked. 

“Oh, that’s Riley. He’s kind of a friend of Willow’s. How do you know him?”

She reached her arm up and waved to him. 

“Oh no,” I groaned as he waved back. “I think he came on to me at the Bronze once.”

I managed to smile as he walked over to us. 

“Hi Tara,” he said as he reached our blanket. “And Buffy, right? Nice to see you here. Am I interrupting anything?”

“No, please sit down,” Tara said. As he did, she gave me a pointed stare. 

“It’s really a great day, isn’t it?” he said. “I just have five minutes before I have to go back inside. What a treat to spend that time with two beautiful ladies.” 

“It’s been too long,” Tara said. “How’ve you been?”

They talked a bit while I sat quiet. I noticed that he glanced at me from time to time 

“Buffy, you were taking some time off, if I recall correctly,” he said with a smile. “What are you doing with that time?”

If someone else had asked me that, I would’ve thought they were being rude. Riley, on the other hand, seemed genuinely interested. 

“I’m working in this small shop in town. The Magic Box?”

“Never heard of,” he confessed. “Is it what it sounds like?”

“Sure is. Crystal balls, spells and scented candles.” 

He laughed.

“And your boyfriend? He lives here in Sunnydale, right?”

Before I could answer, Tara made a little cough. 

“They’ve broken up,” she said when Riley looked at her. 

When he turned to me again, I could see his expression wasn’t exactly sad.

“That’s too bad. Never fun when a relationship ends.” He looked at his watch. “I’m sorry, but I have to get going. I might stop by that magic shop of yours,” he added. “You never know when you’re going to need a good spell.” 

“Tara!” I said as soon as he had left. “What was that?”

“What?” 

She tried to look innocent. 

“The match-making? I’m not interested in seeing anyone. Especially not now.”

“I know,” she said. “It’s just… You could need a nice distraction. And Riley’s nice.” 

I looked at his retreating form. He looked back over his shoulder and smiled at me before he walked back inside. 

“And it’s not like it has to be anything serious,” Tara continued. “Just a bit of fun.” 

Maybe she was right. A bit of fun. I really hadn’t had a lot of that lately.


	21. Chapter 21

“Wow, this really is a magic store.” 

I looked up from the shelf I was stocking to find Riley smiling down at me. 

“Yup, we have everything you might need, from disgusting parts of frog to… other disgusting parts of the frog.”

I stood up and smiled as Riley laughed at my bad joke. 

“That’s good to know,” he said. “I was just walking by when I remembered that you worked here, so I thought I’d take the chance to see a real magic store.” 

“This is it,” I said. “Real magic all the way through. Except for the fake things. Which are none, because we would never sell fake things to our customers.”

Riley laughed again. It was good thing, too, because it kind of hid the fact that I was rambling. He lifted a candle and sniffed it.

“I completely believe everything is real. Nothing except very genuine things can smell this bad.”

He put it back down.

“Exactly,” I said. “So what can I get you? A tarot deck, maybe? We’re all out of mummy hands, but I could special order one for you if you’d like.” 

“No thanks, I’m fine. Just bought a mummy hand at the place across the street.”

He never stopped smiling.

“That place is horrible,” I said. “I bet the hand they sold you was dead.” 

“Completely,” he agreed.

A customer came into the store and I excused myself to help her. Riley stayed, and I couldn’t help but to sneak a peak at him while I worked. He was kind of cute, in a way that was totally not my type. But he was nice, just as Tara had said. When I finished with the customer, Riley came up to the register with a necklace he wanted to buy. 

“For my sister,” he explained as I gift wrapped it. “She likes these kind of things.”

“Witchy things?”

“Silver things. I try to send her gifts every now an then, keep on her good side. She’s ten.” 

“Ah, and you’re the amazing older brother.”

“I try,” he admitted and took the bag I handed him. “Before I go, I want to ask you something.” 

“Yes?”

“Well… I was thinking about going to the Bronze on Friday. And I wondered if maybe you would as well. Go to the Bronze, that is.” 

“On Friday? I might.” Was he asking me out? “If no other cool place happens to open up in Sunnydale before then, of course.” 

“And if it does, we might see each other at this new mysterious place. But otherwise… See you at the Bronze?”

I nodded. He smiled, again, and left.

\- - -

“You look great.”

I wasn’t sure how many times Tara had tried to reassure me. Once again, I tried to see my reflection in the mirror behind the bar. The Bronze wasn’t that crowded yet, but since it was Friday I knew it would be very soon. I kept turning around to see if Riley had shown up yet. 

“I’m really not sure about the curls,” I told her again. “I feel like I should find a house with bears and steal their porridge.” 

Tara laughed. 

“Buffy, you look beautiful. You don’t have to be nervous.” 

“You’re right. And it’s not like this is even a date. It’s just two friends… well, potential friends, maybe meeting up at the only good place in town.” 

“Exactly.” 

So why did I feel like the entire content of my stomach was about to come up through my throat? 

“Tara, why did I say yes?” I groaned. “I don’t even think I like him.”

“And you don’t have to. All you have to be is be polite, and maybe let him buy you a drink, and that’s it. Even the polite thing is optional if you don’t feel like it.”

That made me smile. 

“Okay. I can do that.”

I was glad Tara had agreed to keep me company. Willow needed to finish some big assignment, so it was just the two of us. 

“That’s good. Oh, don’t turn around,” she added, “but Riley just walked in.”

I sat up a bit straighter. It was really difficult not to look over my shoulder. 

“Buffy! Tara!” Riley came straight up to us. He smiled widely. “I guess no better place opened up, then.”

“We heard some rumors, but decided it was better to play it safe,” I answered. 

“I heard those rumors,” Riley said. “But someone told me the company would be better here.” 

He looked down when he said it, almost as if he was too shy to meet my eyes, despite the obvious flirting. Then he looked up, and his eyes glittered. I could feel the blush creep up my face and quickly tried to hide it by taking a sip of my drink before I pushed it away and smiled. 

The night turned out better than I expected. Even if Riley’s dancing skills left some things to be desired, he wasn’t afraid to drag me, and Tara, on to the dance floor. At one point, I thought I saw Spike, but when I turned around again he was gone. After a while, Anya and Xander showed up and we all managed to get a table together. 

“So?” Tara asked when Riley left to go to the bar. Xander went with him to help him carry and both Tara and Anya leaned closer to me. I laughed a little. 

“He’s nice,” I said. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Anya said and sat back up. “That’s too bad.”

“What?” Tara looked bewildered. “What’s too bad?”

“That he’s nice,” Anya said as explanation and rolled her eyes, as if Tara was being unusually stupid. 

“And nice isn’t good?” she asked. 

“Of course not. You don’t want to take ‘nice’ to bed. Or do you?” Anya added and looked at me. 

“No,” I agreed. For once, Anya and I were definitely on the same page. 

At the end of the evening, Riley insisted on walking me home. He told a story about when his family had gone camping back in Iowa, making me laugh about his mother’s fear of bees. When we came to my house, he stopped outside the door. Angel had left the outside light on, but other than that the house was dark. 

“I had a really great evening,” he said.

“Me too.” 

I actually meant it. I might not want to jump Riley’s bones, but he made me laugh. 

“Maybe we can do it again?” he asked. “Or if you want to do something else, there’s this really great movie playing.”

I might have been able to convince myself that this wasn’t a date, but a movie? That was definitely date territory. 

“Riley…” I took a deep breath. “Tonight was great, and you’re great, but I’m not really ready to date.” 

“Oh.”

He took a step backwards, which made me conscious of how close he had been standing. He had been hoping for a kiss. 

“It’s just… Things with my boyfrie… My last relationship didn’t exactly end well.” 

“Oh.” Same word, very different. He almost sounded relieved. “I get it. Completely. No dates.”

“Okay. Good.” 

“How about walks? Or coffees?” 

He smiled when I laughed. 

“Walks and coffees I can do.”

“Good. I’ll call you.”

“Good night.” 

He waited until I had unlocked the door before he left, raising his hand in a wave as he walked down the street.

\- - -

That night, for the first time since we broke up, I didn’t have Spike’s pillow next to me when I slept. 


	22. Chapter 22

“Listen to this,” Xander said. “There’s a man who has covered over 99 percent of his body with tattoos. And you complained about a measly Spiderman on my arm.”

“That wasn’t because of its size,” Anya said and rolled her eyes. 

I laughed and Xander did his best to look offended. 

“What? It was very cool,” he said. “Not at all nerdy.” 

“Of course not,” I said. 

He smiled again and went back to the magazine he was reading. He had taken it upon himself to provide entertainment this Tuesday. 

“There was a man in Virginia who was struck by lightening seven times and survived,” he told us. 

“Seven times? How is that even possible?” Willow asked. 

“I wouldn’t want to stand next to him during a thunder storm,” Anya decided. 

“It says here he felt as if someone really had it in for him,” Xander said. 

“It’s actually kind of sad,” Tara added. 

“Definitely. Tell us something fun instead,” I said. 

Xander was quiet as the tried to find something else. Willow and Tara was studying as usual, and Anya was busy at the register. I had taken the opportunity to dust the shelves while the store was empty. 

“The fastest anyone has run a mile with a milk bottle balanced on the head is seven minutes and 47 seconds.”

“Not as interesting,” Willow said. 

“Let’s see here...” Xander said and flipped the pages. “Someone built an army with over 35,000 Lego storm troopers. Of course Darth Vader was their leader.” 

When none of us said anything, Xander sighed in disappointment. 

“I need male friends,” he said. “How about this one? A woman gave birth four different times, never knowing she was pregnant.”

“That’s just ridiculous,” Anya said. “Of course you would know you were pregnant.”

“Denial,” Willow said. “Definitely.”

“Every woman should know her menstrual cycle,” Anya said. “My last period was two weeks ago. Do you girls know yours?”

“Of course,” I said. Except as soon as I had said it, I became less sure. I furrowed my brow and tried to think. Not in April yet. March? No.

Behind me, Xander found yet another strange fact to share with the group, but I could barely hear him. No matter when I had my last period, one thing was sure. I was late.

\- - -

I was not only late. I was pregnant. Buffy, plus one. The little white stick confirmed it. Shit.

\- - -

Angel was making dinner when I walked into the kitchen. I sat down at the kitchen island and looked at his back as he stirred something in the frying pan.

“I’m thinking about going back to Boston,” I said, just to try it out. Didn’t feel as good as I had thought it would. 

“You are?” Angel briefly turned around before returning to his cooking. “I thought you liked it here?”

“No.” 

My answer was barely more than a whisper. I swallowed to get rid of the lump in my throat. 

“Besides, what would you do there?” he continued. “We still don’t have the money for your tuition, and you don’t have a place to stay.” 

I pressed my teeth together, but I could feel my chin shake. I put my face in my hands and tried to calm myself down, but my breath was ragged. When I exhaled, the sob just came. 

“Buffy, what’s the matter?”

Angel put a hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t look up. Once the crying had started, it felt as if the sobs would rip my lungs out. 

“Did something happen?” he asked and put his arms around me. “You’re freaking me out a little here.” 

I clung to him as if my life depended on it. He tried to calm me down by stroking my back and making shushing sounds. 

“Can’t we just move?” I managed to get out. “We could leave Sunnydale and you could come with me to Boston and we could share an apartment and just… not be _here.”_

“Hey, don’t worry.” He hugged me hard. “Things are going to be okay.” 

That made me cry even harder. How could things be okay? They were pretty much as far away from “okay” as humanly possible. 

The smell of something burning was what made Angel let go of me. He swore as he took the smoking pan off the stove. When the fire alarm went off, he desperately tried to make it stop by waving his arms around in front of it. At least that made me laugh a little between the tears. He really looked silly as he jumped up and down in front of the doorway to reach the fire alarm that was up by the ceiling. 

“That’s better,” he said with a little smile as it finally became quiet. He sat down next to me again. “You want to tell me what’s wrong?” 

I hated the way the tears increased again. I took a deep, but somewhat wobbly, breath. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

It was almost comical, the way all color drained from his face. 

“You’re… pregnant? Is it… Spike’s?” 

“No, it’s Xander’s,” I spat. “Of course it’s Spike’s.” 

Angel’s face went from white to red. 

“I’m going to kill him,” he said. 

“No, you’re not! Sit back down!” I said as he tried to get up. “ _Stop_ it. You’re not going anywhere near him.” 

“What did he say? What’s he going to do?” 

"He hasn’t said anything, because I haven’t told him.” At least I had stopped crying. “And I’m not going to.” 

Angel sat down with a thud. He clenched and unclenched his fists as he took a couple of deep breaths while looking down at his feet. When he looked up again, he was calmer, but his eyes were dark. 

“Let’s start this over. You’re pregnant. It’s Spike’s. How far along are you?” 

“I don’t know,” I said. “Probably around three months.” 

His eyes narrowed. 

“So this happened when you were together.” 

“Of course it did. What did you think? That I would sleep around with him behind his girlfriend’s back?” 

At least that made him look guilty. 

“No, of course not,” he said. “I’m sorry. So, three months? You’re… keeping it?” 

Three months. That was a lot. And it was mine. And Spike’s. I started crying again, but I nodded in answer to Angel’s question. I was keeping it. He put his arms around me again and tried to comfort me. 

“You didn’t know until now?” he asked after a while. 

“No,” I said. He handed me a napkin and I blew my nose. “I haven’t been feeling too great, but I put it down to the whole situation with Dru. I have been so stressed out over everything that I just didn’t think.” 

“I get that,” Angel said. “And you don’t look pregnant.” 

“I really don’t,” I agreed. “And god, what about when I start showing? What are people going to say? I hate living in a small town!” 

“Don’t worry, we’ll think of something.” Angel did his best to stop my tears. “Listen, you’re tired, and worried, and hungry. I’ll order something, we’ll eat, and then we’ll talk. Okay?” 

I nodded. That sounded as a good plan.  


\- - -

Angel removed the last boxes of Chinese take-out from the table, and when he returned he had a notebook and a pen with him.

“I think we should start with getting you to a doctor,” he said and wrote _doctor’s appointment_. “You’ll probably have to start taking some vitamins as well, but the doctor’s going to know more about that.” Still, he jotted down _vitamins_ on the next line. 

“Sounds like a good place to start,” I said. 

I was glad I had told Angel. It felt nice having someone else take control of the situation. I drank some tea and waited for what he was going to say next. 

“Then you’ll probably need to think about how you’re going to tell Spike.” 

I stared at my brother. Was he serious?

“I told you,” I said. “I’m not telling him. Definitely not.”

“Don’t be like that,” Angel said. “Of course you’re going to tell him.” 

“No.” Maybe someone else being in control wasn’t such a good thing. “And you’re not going to either.” 

“Buffy! You have to tell him. He has the right to know.”

“And what is he going to do, once he knows? Do a happy dance that he’s going to have two babies to take care of, come fall?”

“Well…” Angel trailed off.

“He doesn’t want to have a broken family, Angel. Those were his exact words. What good is it going to do? Am I going to have him choose between me and Drusilla all over again?”

“I don’t think that’s the point. You can’t just hide his child from him. Besides, soon it is going to be obvious anyway.”

“So I’ll move. I can’t tell him, Angel. I can’t do that to him.”

“You can’t do…” he repeated with astonishment before he stopped himself. “Buffy, you’re not thinking straight. This is a shock to you, and it’s going to take some time to get used to.”

“No. I’ve made my decision. I’m not going to tell Spike. At least not now. Maybe later, when everything’s not this messed up anymore.”

“So when? When you have a baby on your arm? Do you honestly think that is going to make things less messed up?” 

“No!” I was shouting this time, but I didn’t care. “You just don’t get it! I can’t tell him, because I can’t even stand the thought of being in the same room as him right now. It hurts too much!”

I angrily wiped away the tears. Angel sat quietly and waited until I stopped crying. 

“What’s your plan, then?” he asked. 

“I’ll move,” I repeated. “To Boston. I’ll find an apartment somewhere and I’ll get a job and I’ll take care of things.”

“And then what? You’re not going back to school?” 

“I’ll figure it out,” I answered tiredly. “Maybe I can work part time or something.”

“What about when the baby is born? How are you going to juggle being a single mom with college and work at the same time?”

“I don’t know, okay?” 

“That’s my point,” Angel said. “You haven’t thought this through.” 

I looked at him. A year ago, or even just a couple of months back, I would’ve said he was acting this way because he didn’t care about me. Now, I could see the concern in his eyes. He was trying to look out for me, in his own way.

“You can help me,” I said and his eyebrows shot up. “Move with me, as I said before. You can help me with everything and when the baby is born you can spend time with your niece or nephew and I can finish college and everything.” 

I spoke quickly, before he could interrupt me. When I finished, my heart was beating so hard I was shaking. I bit my lower lip and looked at him. He still hadn’t lowered his eyebrows. 

“You want my help?” he finally asked. 

“Yes. You said you did all those things for me when I was younger, but that everything just ended up wrong. Now is your chance to really do something for me. Let me be the one who makes the decisions for once.”

Angel shook his head.

“This is crazy,” he said. “Where’s Spike in this plan of yours?”

“Here,” I said. “With Dru. _I’m_ not telling him, and _you’re_ most definitely not telling him.” 

“So we lie and run and hide?”

“Technically, we wouldn’t be lying. Just not telling. And it’s not running away, it’s moving.” 

Angel stood up. 

“Buffy, this is a bad idea. One of the many mistakes I’ve done with you is letting you run away when there’s trouble ahead. This is just another example of that.” 

“It’s not,” I said. “It’s the best alternative, for all involved.”

He shook his head again. 

“Get some sleep. We’ll discuss this tomorrow.” 

I could tell he thought I would change my mind. I knew I wouldn’t. I knew which shape Spike had been in, which shape he _still_ was in. This was not something he needed to handle right now. And it wasn’t something I needed, or wanted, to handle either. I waited until I heard Angel’s bedroom door close before I went upstairs.  
 


	23. Chapter 23

Angel was already up when I came downstairs the next morning. He put a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon on the table in front of me. I pushed the bacon to the side before I started eating the eggs.

“I got you an appointment this afternoon,” he said. “And I called Rupert to let him know you’re not coming in today.” 

I froze with the fork halfway to my mouth.

“What did you tell him?” I asked.

“I just said that you had come down with something and I was taking you to the doctor.”

I took a tiny bit of the egg. 

“We’ll start with the doctor,” Angel continued and leaned against the counter. “And then we’ll talk.”

No point in arguing. I nodded.

\- - -

“Fifteen weeks,” Angel said and shook his head in disbelief as he drove us home. “You sure don’t look like it.”

“I know. Dr. Brown said I had good muscle tone,” I said. I couldn’t stop staring at the picture I held in my hand. 

When Dr. Brown, our old family physician, had asked me about my last period, I hadn’t been able to remember. Probably sometime in December, or January, I had said, and that’s when he had decided to do a sonogram. 

“Still,” Angel said. “Fifteen weeks. And you’re tiny.” 

I couldn’t believe it either. How was it possible that I had had no idea I was carrying this little thing inside of me? That I still didn’t feel pregnant? I traced the outline of the head on the small picture. 

“I have an alien in my stomach,” I said with a giggle as Angel parked the car in our driveway. 

My brother smiled a little. 

“I just hope it’s not an alien when it comes out.”

“No, it’s going to be a little boy or a girl.”

“Didn’t Dr. Brown tell you which one?”

I shook my head.

“I asked him not to.”

Angel actually laughed as he parked the car on our driveway. 

“Really? You, who can’t even spell the word ‘patient’, are going to wait until, what, October, to find out if you’re having a boy or a girl?”

“Yeah, well,” I said with a grin. “I like surprises. And yeah, October fifth was what Dr. Brown said.” 

He took the picture from me and looked at it. 

“So this is my little niece or nephew,” he said. “Huh.” 

“It almost looks as if she or he is waving.” I leaned closer and pointed out the little hand. 

Angel smiled and handed the picture back to me before stepping out of the car. I followed him inside and threw my jacket on the stair railing. 

“I guess I should give Giles my two week’s notice,” I said, trying to sound casual. I could see Angel’s shoulders tense up, even though I tried not to look at him, before he turned around to face me. 

“Why should you do that?”

“Well, there’s a lot to fix with a move, and if we’re going to leave before I start showing…” 

The look on my brother’s face made me drift off, and when he grabbed my arm and almost forced me into the living room, I just sat down on the couch. Instead of sitting down next to me, Angel paced the room. Finally, he stopped and looked at me. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to help you,” he began. 

“But you’re not going to,” I finished for him. He shook his head angrily before I had even finished. 

“No, that’s not it! I’m going to help you, and if I have to do that by moving to Boston with you, I will. But,” he continued when I tried to speak, “you have to tell Spike first.” 

“No!” I stood up, just because I couldn’t stand to sit down any longer, but Angel put a hand out to stop me from leaving the room. I shook it off me. “I can’t tell him. Don’t you understand anything?”

“Buffy, I understand. But I’m not sure you do.” 

“What is it that I don’t understand? That everything will magically change once I tell him? Or that he doesn’t want a family with me, because he already has one with Dru?”

“This has nothing to do with Dru. This has to do with your baby. Don’t you think he or she deserves to have a father? And don’t you think Spike deserves to know that he’s going to have a kid?” 

“He already has a kid on the way!”

“That can be up for discussion,” Angel spat. 

“What?”

“Do you really think that kid is his?”

“What are you talking about? Of course I’m carrying his child!”

“I’m not talking about you.”

I sat down heavily. Of course the baby Drusilla was expecting was Spike’s. He had left me for her, for that baby. Angel sat down next to me, suddenly calm. He put a hand on my shoulder. 

“You can’t honestly say that the thought has never crossed your mind,” he said in a low voice. 

I shook my head in denial. Of course, the thought had crossed my mind, but that was all I had let it do. I couldn’t for a second believe that…

“Spike wouldn’t have left if he didn’t know the baby was his,” I whispered. 

“I think he knows there is a possibility the kid is his,” Angel said, and I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was weighing every word. “But I also think he has serious doubts.” 

“Why? What did he say to you?”

“I haven’t talked to him about this,” Angel said quickly. “Believe me, I’m all on your side in this thing. I haven’t been that interested in his side of the story.” 

I leaned against him, and he put his arm around my shoulders. 

“So Dru’s baby might be someone else’s?”

It was actually difficult to breathe. 

“I think you know better than me about Dru’s infidelity.”

He was right. For the past five years, I had been Spike’s best friend, the person he had talked to about everything. I knew. 

“Then why did he leave?” I asked, but I didn’t expect any answer. “What we had… it was good. Really good, with a shot at being amazing. And he just threw it all away, because of… because of what? The _possibility_ that his ho-bag of an ex might be having his kid?” 

“Hey, don’t cry.”

It wasn’t until Angel said it that I realized I was crying. I wiped the tears away. 

“I can’t tell him,” I said. “I was obviously never that important to him. If I tell him, everything’s just going to be horrible.”

“And I can’t let you leave town without telling him. No matter what, he has the right to know.” 

“I can’t.”

“Then I guess we’re staying.”

\- - -

Three credit cards, fifty-eight dollars and a button from my yellow coat. That was the entire content of my wallet, now gathered in a pile on my bed. Angel had told me not to use the cards, but that didn’t really count in a case of emergency, right? And I had a couple of hundred dollars in my bank account. I could pay for the plane ticket with one of the credit cards, I could get a small apartment, a job. I could go to Boston by myself. 

And then what? Medical bills, baby things, rent. A baby. All alone. I bit my lip. I wished I could talk to Cordelia. I could almost hear her voice: _Pregnant? What are you, fifteen? Hello, birth control!_

“They don’t always work,” I muttered to myself. Yeah, especially when you forgot to take them in the first place. 

_So deal with it,_ I imagined Cordelia saying. _It won’t go away just because you run and hide._

Of course, she was right. Or I was right, since I was talking to myself. I hated the thought of staying in Sunnydale, of everyone talking behind my back, but I didn’t have a lot of choice. I stood up and put everything but the button back in my wallet. I needed to talk to someone else, before I went as crazy as Dru. I reached for the phone and called Tara.

\- - -

“Where are you going?”

I turned around with my hand on the doorknob. Angel walked out of the kitchen and looked at the bag I was carrying. 

“Running away?” he asked and crossed his arms over his chest. 

I let go of the door and faced him.

“No. I’m staying the night at Tara’s.” 

He let his arms fall to his sides. 

“Oh. I’m sorry, I was jumping to conclusions.” 

I shrugged. 

“Do you want a ride?” he asked, and I nodded. Angel might only be offering because he was feeling guilty about accusing me of something that I desperately wished had been true, but it was better to get to Tara's place fast, before I changed my mind again.

\- - -

Tara had been at home studying when I called her, but all I had had to say was _I need to talk_ before she had invited me over. She opened the door as soon as I knocked. She had her hair in a ponytail and still held on to the pen she was making notes with. Her books were all over her bed.

“You’re busy,” I said, suddenly feeling bad for interrupting her. 

“No, I’m finished,” she said and let me in before she quickly gathered up all the books and put them in a pile on the floor. Her black kitten sniffed at them before jumping up on the bed. 

I let go of my bag and sat down on the bed. Tara sat down next to me and looked at me while she scratched the cat on the head. 

“What’s going on?” she asked. 

On my way over, I had tried to come up with a good way to tell her, ranging from _you know how I was always throwing up?_ to _guess what, Spike has super sperm!_ , but sitting there, I had no idea what to say. Finally, I just gave up. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

Tara’s expression didn’t change at all. 

“I only found out yesterday,” I continued. “It was that stupid story Xander told us, it made me think. I took a home pregnancy test, and then the doctor confirmed it today. I’m fifteen weeks pregnant and I’m due October fifth.”

“What did Spike say?”

“I haven’t told him yet,” I said. “I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to.”

Calling Tara had really been my smartest move yet. We talked the entire night and went through all my options. In the end, Tara had even convinced me that Angel had been right. I had to tell Spike. Even after we had turned out the lights for the night, we kept talking. 

“You don’t have to do it tomorrow, or even this week,” Tara said. “But eventually, you have to tell him. I’m not that fond of Spike, but I don’t think he’s going to make a terrible father.” 

“I don’t either,” I said. In fact, if his own father were anything to go by, Spike would make a pretty decent dad. “It’s just scary to think that my kid might have a half sibling that’s barely a month older. I can just imagine all the gossip this is going to spark.”

“It might,” Tara agreed. “But it will go away as soon as something new happens. Sunnydale is a small town with a surprisingly bad memory.” 

I laughed a little at that. She was right. Bad things tended to happen in Sunnydale, but they were forgotten almost as quickly. 

“Do you know what the worst part is?” I said, chewing nervously at my lower lip. 

“What?”

“That in a way, I’m not at all sorry that this happened. It’s like this…” I sat up and looked at her in the darkness. “I can’t have Spike, right? But no matter what will happen, I will have this child. A child that is part of me, and part of him. It’s like having the second best thing.” 

“You’ll always be connected,” she said and I nodded.

“It’s bad of me to think like that, isn’t it?” I said. “That I’m happy that I’ll have a part of him in my life.”

“It’s not bad,” Tara said. “But it sounds a lot like love.”   
 


	24. Chapter 24

“It’s not love,” I told Tara as we worked our way through the books at the Magic Box a couple of days later. “I can’t love him, not after everything that has happened. That would be wrong.” 

“I don’t think wrong or right matters when it comes to love,” she answered and put a book back on the shelf. 

“It should. You shouldn’t have to love someone who doesn’t love you back.”

“That would be easier,” she agreed. “But then we wouldn’t have love songs or novels or poems.”

“I think I could live without those,” I said with a sigh and took down another book and handed to her. Tara was helping with the inventory of the books on the mezzanine floor and she wrote down the title before putting it back. 

“But love is wonderful, Buffy. When everything is right, there’s nothing like it.” 

Her gaze flickered down to the ground floor, where Willow was studying at the round table. As if feeling her girlfriend’s eyes upon her, Willow looked up and smiled. 

“What you two have seem so easy,” I said, trying to not show the jealousy.

“The love part of it is easy,” Tara said before turning back to me. “It’s just everything it around it that can be hard.”

She shrugged and reached for the next book. 

“Buffy, are you letting the customers do your job?”

Giles sounded stern, but he smiled as he looked up at us. I smiled back, but my heart was hammering in my chest. How much had he heard? 

“Of course,” I said. “What’s the point of doing something if you can convince someone else to do it for you?”

“And that’s all very good, I’m sure. Tara, soon I’ll have to start paying you.”

Tara smiled and took another book from me as Giles walked to the other side of the shop.

“I can’t keep working here,” I said in a low voice to Tara once I was sure Giles was out of earshot. 

“Why not?”

She looked honestly confused. 

“Because Giles is Spike’s dad,” I reminded her.

Tara concentrated on the books. 

“Does that matter?” she asked without looking at me. 

“Definitely,” I said and looked down at the store where Giles was helping a customer. “He’s going to notice that I’m pregnant, and then he’s going to hate me.” 

“Maybe you should tell him before you really start showing,” she said.

“What? Tell Giles?”

“Tell Spike,” she clarified. “Once he knows, it won’t be so difficult. He’ll probably tell his parents.” 

I sighed. 

“I wish it was that easy.” 

We worked in silence for a while, but then Tara spoke again.

“Buffy, I wasn’t going to say anything, but you do know that the band is going on tour, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “This summer.”

Tara shook her head.

“No. Oz told us they’re leaving next Sunday.” 

“Next Sunday? But that’s just… May. That’s not summer.”

“Maybe you should think about telling Spike before they leave.”

“I was going to,” I answered quickly. “Before summer. As, you know, June. Or July. Or August. August is a summer month, right?” 

I was babbling again. I forced myself to shut up. 

“I will,” I said to Tara. “Before Sunday.”

\- - -

"I’m so excited!” Willow had a huge smile on her face. “I can’t believe how well everything is going for them. Oh, I’m so happy!”

“Sure,” Xander said. “Just think, we’ll be able to say we knew them when.”

“We knew them when what?” Anya asked.

“You know,” Xander answered. “Back when they sucked.” 

He laughed and Anya smiled a little, but Willow looked upset.

“Xander! They never sucked!”

“Yeah, they did. Big time. Remember Halloween back during our senior year?”

Willow blushed a little.

“That was just a… a glitch.”

“A glitch? Okay, guys, you have to hear this story!” He removed his arm from Anya’s shoulders and leaned over the table. “It was supposed to be this party with a haunted house theme, and _Dingoes Ate My Baby_ were going to play. It all started good, but…”

I couldn’t concentrate on his story, instead letting Xander’s voice blend in with the general background noise. We were at the Bronze, where _Dingoes Ate My Baby_ was going to do their last gig before the tour. It was supposed to be unannounced, but judging by the crowd, more people than us had the inside scoop about tonight’s artist. 

Since I hadn’t been able to bring myself to call Spike yet, this had seemed like an opportunity as good as any to talk to him. I had decided to wait until after the show, but that didn’t stop me from being a wreck already. I tried to focus on what Xander was saying, just to get my mind off things. 

“…and all we could hear was Devon, screaming at the top of his lungs _‘Fear me, fear me!’_ ” 

When everybody burst out laughing, I realized I had missed the point. To not seem completely lost, I giggled a little. 

“Okay, it was pretty horrible,” Willow admitted. “But they were really only just starting out.”

“They _have_ improved,” Tara said. “It’s not really my type of music, but I completely get why they’re becoming so popular.”

“Me too,” Anya said. “And that reason has bleached blond hair.” 

The others laughed, but I felt Tara glancing at me and I quickly smiled at her to show that I was fine. I hadn’t told anyone else about what was going on. Part of it was because I really wasn’t ready for them to know, and part of it was… Well, Spike should be the first to know. Or third, if you counted Angel and Tara. Or, well, forth, if you added Dr. Brown. One of the first. God, even my inner monologue was babbling at that point. Annoyed with myself, I reached for the glass of beer Xander had gotten me, only to let go of it again as soon as I had touched it and instead taking the glass of water I had standing next to it. Not one of my friends around the table even noticed.

Since finding out I was pregnant, I felt completely paranoid about them finding out as well. Now that I was aware that my body should be changing, I had noticed that it was. It probably wouldn’t be long before other people would start to see it as well. Before leaving the house that evening, I had definitely been able to see a small bump when I had been standing in front of the mirror. Instead of my usual tight fitting outfit, I had chosen a loose fitting top, which frankly only added to my insecurity. I was sure that at any moment one of them, most likely Anya, would point to me and burst out “that’s not fashionable! And you’re not drinking! You’re pregnant!” 

Once again I reached for the beer, this time holding on to it for a couple of minutes before putting it back down on the table. 

“Buffy, it’s going to be okay,” Tara said close to my ear.

“Yeah,” I answered without really believing it. Just because I was finally convinced that I should tell Spike didn’t mean I really wanted to. Or that I thought it would make anything okay. Fortunately, the lights dimmed and the cheering from the crowd saved me from having to say anything else. A man I vaguely recognized as one of the owners stepped up on the small stage and took the microphone.

“Welcome to the Bronze, glad to see so many of you here tonight. I think some of you have heard a certain rumor…” 

The crowd cheered again and the man laughed when someone howled like a wolf. 

“That’s right, one night only, before they’re off to become famous — give it up for Sunnydale’s own _Dingoes Ate My Baby!_ ” 

Spike was the first one out on stage. He walked up to his drums and looked out over the room with a small wave. I was glad we were sitting far away from the stage this time, because that meant he wouldn’t be able to see me. I barely registered when the rest of the band took their positions or when the first song started. Spike looked good. Better than when I had seen him last. I tried to figure out what the difference was, but from that distance it was impossible to say. His hair was carefully slicked back, but as the set continued the curls started to come loose. I knew how sweaty he’d usually become after a concert, and this wasn’t an exception. Between two songs, he reached for the bottle of beer he always had on the floor next to the drums. Only, this time it wasn’t beer. I watched as he drank some of the water before pouring the rest of the content of the bottle over his head, much to the delight of the girls in front of the stage. He laughed and threw the empty bottle to one of the screaming girls. 

It wasn’t a conscious decision to get up. I was halfway to the door before I even realized that I had left the table. But I couldn’t just sit there and watch as my boyfri — no, _Dru’s_ boyfriend — as Spike was soaking up the attention he was getting. I stopped. So why couldn’t I? It had never been a problem before, when _Vampire Truth_ had had fans throwing themselves at them. It had been fun, something we all laughed about in the tour bus the times I traveled with them. I turned back to the stage, but I didn’t go back to the table, instead deciding to stay in the shadows near the bar.

So, yes, I had been in love with Spike. As in head-over-heels, utterly, completely smitten. But that had been _before_. It wasn’t as if I was still in love with him, as if I was jealous of someone showing an interest in him. That wasn’t what was bothering me. It couldn’t be. I swallowed, suddenly remembering all the times Spike had hugged me, or smiled at me, or that time last summer when he tried to help me get over my fear of driving. 

Spike got up from his position behind the drums, surprising everyone as the band traded places. Devon took over Oz’s guitar while Oz sat down behind the drums. 

“We figured we’d try something new,” Spike said into the microphone as he adjusted the stand to fit him better. “Oz, are you ready?”

He looked back at Oz, who nodded and hit out a quick beat before starting the rhythm. Spike leaned closer to the microphone. 

It wasn’t as if I hadn’t heard Spike sing before. I had. But it was two very different things - sitting next to him while he went through a song on his guitar, and standing in a crowded club completely surrounded by his voice. My heart was beating hard in my chest. 

Listening to the words was not an option as his voice wound its way around me. I couldn’t look away. He had both hands on the microphone, leaning against the stand as if it was the only thing holding him up. His eyes were closed as he sang, every word sounding strained. 

I couldn’t stand it, not for another second. I turned around and blindly pushed my way through the moving crowd, desperately gulping down the fresh air as I finally made it outside.

\- - -

I leaned against the wall outside the Bronze, fighting the urge to just leave. I could still hear the music coming from inside the club, but at least it was Devon singing again. Seeing Spike had been harder than I had thought it would be. I had made the right choice in finishing what we had, but that didn’t stop all the feelings from rushing back in. Tara’s words echoed unwanted in my head. _It sounds a lot like love._ So what if it was? What good did it do me? Love didn’t change anything. Especially not when it was just one person feeling it in the first place.

I wasn’t sure how long I stood out there, but when I went back in the band was still playing. I stopped by the bar and looked at the stage. At Spike. As Devon presented the last song I realized that this was it. If I was going to tell Spike before they left, now was the time to go to the backstage area. 

 


	25. Chapter 25

Tara almost made me jump when she put a hand on my arm. I hadn’t seen her come up to the bar.

“I t-thought you left,” she said. 

“No,” I answered. “I’m here for a reason, remember?”

“I know. I was just worried that things had gotten t-too difficult for you, with the s-song and all.”

I shrugged. It was too difficult, but I still had to do it. The band wrapped up on stage and Devon thanked everyone for coming before they walked off the stage. 

“Now seems like a good time to find Spike,” I said.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Tara asked. 

If I wanted to? Desperately. But I shook my head. 

“I think I need to do this by myself.”

She nodded in understanding. 

“I’ll wait for you here.”

“Thanks.”

I took a deep breath and walked towards the backstage area. I was trying to gather enough courage to approach the security guard and convince him that I wasn’t some crazy fan, when the door opened and Spike walked out. His hair was wet and I briefly wondered if he had even taken the time to change his t-shirt before putting on his duster. He looked out over the crowd, as if he was searching for someone. I hoped he wasn’t meeting Drusilla. I took a step forward, and that’s when our eyes met. I could see the surprise in his eyes. 

“Buffy.”

The way he said my name still made me weak to my knees. I closed my eyes for a second, to make the feeling go away, before I looked at him again. 

“Hi,” I said. “I was around, and I saw the show, and…” 

And I had no idea how to do this. 

“It’s good to see you.” He stepped closer, but he didn’t touch me. “Actually, I was hoping you’d be here. I… I want to talk to you. I know I have no right to, that you don’t have to, but… can we talk? Please?” 

I was seriously tempted to turn around and leave. I turned back and saw Tara standing at the bar. She was looking at us, and as soon as our eyes met she smiled at me. I could do this, I told myself. 

“Yes. We need to talk,” I said, turning back to face Spike.

“It’s crowded backstage,” he said. “Maybe we could…”

He nodded at the back door. At least he had the decency to look embarrassed. 

“The alley?” I asked. “ _That’s_ the only place you can think of?” 

“No, I’m sorry. It was stupid of me…” He dragged a hand through his hair and looked around him, as if searching for a secret door or something. I sighed. 

“It’s fine. Let’s go.” 

Without a word, he took two quick strides and opened the back door, holding it open for me. I suppressed a shiver when I walked past him. 

The alley looked the same. I walked past the dumpster and leaned against the pallets that were stacked against the wall. Spike followed my lead and leaned against the opposite wall. 

“Spike, I need to…” I started, but he interrupted me.

“No, wait. Let me talk first. Just listen. I know you don’t have to, that I’ve ruined everything, but just let me…” He sighed and looked away, but then he turned back to face me. “I want to say how sorry I am.” 

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down on my shoes. 

“I know I’ve destroyed everything,” he said again. “But I want you to know that I’m trying to fix things.” 

I shook my head without looking up. There was no way he could fix things. I blinked the tears away. No point in crying, because then I would never be able to tell him. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” he continued. “That things can’t be fixed between us anymore.”

“There is no ‘us’, Spike.”

“I know. And I _hate_ that! That I destroyed the one good thing in my life.”

“Don’t. Just don’t.” 

I didn’t look at him, but at least he shut up. Then he took a deep, audible breath and started talking again. 

“I broke up with Dru.” That made me look up, to meet his blue eyes. “I moved out almost two weeks ago. I share a place with Oz.”

“What about the kid?”

He snorted.

“That kid is probably not mine. But if it is, I’ll take my responsibility. But I won’t do it by trying to pretend I have something with Dru anymore, because I don’t. I thought about what you told me that day at the Magic Box. You were right, I was messing everything up.”

“God, Spike!” I spat. “It took someone _else_ to tell you that you were messed up? Didn’t you know that all by yourself?”

Hello anger. I liked you so much better than the sorrow that had been threatening to overwhelm me ever since Spike had stepped up to the microphone. 

“No, I _knew_ ,” he said, “but I needed to hear it to realize what was happening, what I was doing. To wake up.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not your _conscience_ , Spike!” 

I pushed away from the pallets, but I stopped myself from walking away. I had to tell him. Instead of going back into the club, I stopped by the dumpster and turned around to look at him. He was still leaning against the wall, looking at the ground. His shoulders sagged and he held his head down. After a couple of minutes he looked up, and by the look on his face I could tell he was surprised I was still there. 

“I know you’re not my conscience,” he said. “But I needed to hear what you said. I know I was drinking too much. When I walked out of there, I went straight to an A.A.-meeting.” 

“Alcoholics anonymous?”

“Yes. I have thought about it before, but for some reason I always had an excuse. But standing there…” He looked up at the stars and shook his head. “Standing there, seeing you, knowing how much I had hurt you… I was all out of excuses.” 

His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. I walked back to the pile of pallets and sat down. 

“Every decision I’ve made the last couple of years has been a decision made by the level of alcohol in my blood. None of them have been very good.” He looked at me again. “The last couple of months have been the worst of it. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn’t. The biggest mistake was definitely going back to Drusilla. But also… the way I handled things with you.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“Getting involved with me was a mistake,” I said.

He regretted it. I knew he did. I closed my eyes, waiting to hear him say it. That he didn’t love me, that we should have just stayed friends. 

“No,” he said in a low voice. “But it never should have been a secret, and I should have done it the proper way, by taking you on dates and… I should have been a better man.”

When I opened my eyes again, he was staring at me intently. 

“I’m going to change, Buffy,” he continued. “I’m going to do everything I can to be that better man, to be sober. And I’m not stupid. I know it’s all words, and my words don’t mean a bloody thing to you anymore. But I’m going to show you.” 

“Spike…” I shook my head. “You’re right, it’s all words. And I’m not saying that I don’t believe that you’re going to try, but…”

“But you don’t think I’ll be able to do it,” he said. 

I shrugged. 

“You’re going on tour tomorrow. I know what happens on tour.” 

Spike stood up and reached a hand back to his back pocket. The papers he pulled out had been folded several times and were held together with a paper clip. When he held it out to me, I took it. The four pages were filled with addresses and dates.

“The location and times of A.A.-meetings in every town we’re playing,” Spike explained. “And I have a sponsor who said I can call any time.” 

I handed the papers back to him and he put them back in his pocket. He looked at me. I didn’t recognize the insecurity in his eyes. His hands trembled, but then he put them in the pockets of his duster where I couldn’t see them anymore. 

“If this is…” I began, but I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to say. I bit my lip before I started over again. “For your sake, I hope this works. But I don’t want you to do it because of… because of me, because you want something more from me.”

One round of craziness was definitely enough for me. He shook his head even before I had finished. 

“I’m not asking you for anything, Buffy. I know you’re seeing someone else. I just want you to know how sorry I am for hurting you. And yes, I love you, and I might want to be a better man for you, to be the kind of man you deserve, but I can never ask of you to forgive me. I know it’s… it’s too much to ask.” 

He loved me? 

“Love?” I asked. “You’ve never mentioned love before.” 

“I should have. Another one of those mistakes I made.” 

I shook my head. 

“This isn’t fair, Spike. I can’t…”

“I know. I’m sorry. For everything.” He stood up and took a step towards the door, but then he stopped. “When I’m back… can I call you?”

I don’t know what the sound I made was supposed to mean, but he seemed to take it for an answer. He turned around to leave. It would be so easy to let him, to avoid telling him what I had come to the Bronze to do. 

“Spike, wait.”

His duster swept around him when he turned around.

“Yes?”

I jumped down from the pallets and took two steps towards him. I allowed myself one deep breath before I just let it go. 

“I came here tonight because I have something to tell you. I’m pregnant. I should have told you sooner, but I didn’t know myself until last week. I just thought I was feeling crappy because of everything that was going on, with, you know, _us_ , but I should have known.” I tried to stop the verbal diarrhea, but the incredulous look on Spike’s face just made it worse. “And I don’t want you to feel obligated because of this and I don’t want you to think I’m like Dru because I’m not _anything_ like her. It’s just, you know, accidents happen, and this is an accident, but you know, not an entirely bad accident because I kind of like the thought of having your baby,” _god, did I just say that?_ “but really, you don’t have to do anything, I’ll take care of everything, so don’t worry, okay? I’m due in October, on the fifth, so yay, Wednesday baby, that’s good, right? Anyway, I just thought you should know.” 

The dumpster crashed against the wall as Spike leaned heavily against it. His face was ashen as he stared at me. 

“You’re having a baby?”

“I had to tell you before you left.” 

This time, not only his hands trembled. His entire body shook as he sunk down to a crouch. He pulled his hands over his face, pressing them against his eyes before he dragged his fingers through his hair. He clasped his hands behind his neck and looked up at me. 

“ _My_ baby?”

I nodded.

“I completely understand that you’ll want some proof,” I said in a low voice. “But it’s yours.” 

He laughed, a raspy sound that had nothing to do with happiness. 

“You, I believe,” he said. “It’s the other person who has said those words to me that I doubt. It’s her I’ve demanded a paternity test from. But you, Buffy… This one’s truly mine, right?”

“A hundred percent. I would say a hundred and fifty, but than my math teacher might hunt me down.” 

I folded my arms over my chest, to keep them from reaching out for Spike. After everything that had happened, I still hated to see him miserable. He leaned his head down and I could hear him breathing hard. 

“I have to go,” I said and he nodded without looking up. I stopped with a hand on the door handle. “Let me know when you’re back, okay?” This time I didn’t look at him, but stared at the old, worn door to the Bronze instead. I barely heard his whispered ‘yeah’, but I did. I pulled the door open and went inside, the sheer volume of the crowd and the music almost enough to send me back outside. 

I couldn’t leave, not yet. I caught the door just before it closed. When I peered through the small crack between the door and the frame, I could still see Spike. I saw when his legs gave out, when he sat down on the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest, when he put his arms on his knees and hid his face. I saw how the sobs ripped through his body. 

“Buffy?”

I turned around to find Tara standing behind me.

“Are you okay?” 

I shrugged, but then I shook my head. She took my hand and together we made our way outside. At least I didn’t cry until the Bronze was nothing more than a sound in the distance. 

 


	26. Chapter 26

_May_

I was nervous when I unlocked the shop on Monday morning. With Angel in L.A., I had spent the rest of the weekend with Tara and Willow, happily not dealing with any of my problems. I still hadn’t told Willow, preferring to keep it to myself a little longer. Oddly enough, I found myself wanting to talk to Angel again first, to tell him what Spike had told me that Saturday. I wasn’t sure how I felt about everything. It made a strange kind of sense that Spike was an alcoholic, but I still wasn’t sure about the love-part. Spike didn’t love me. He couldn’t love me. And I didn’t love him. Right? 

The thoughts didn’t shut up for a second as I turned off the alarm and got everything ready for the day. When I finally turned the sign on the door from “closed” to “open”, my hands were shaking. I forced them to stop. There was no point in being nervous. Maybe Giles wouldn’t show up today. He could be taking the day off. And maybe Spike hadn’t told him. The band had left Sunday morning, so maybe he hadn’t had the time. Maybe nothing had changed at all. 

That was an awful lot of “maybes”. 

Every time the bell by the door chimed, the feeling of dread in my stomach grew worse. Of course Spike would have told his parents. Now they would hate me. Giles would probably fire me as soon as he walked through the door. I tried to do my best to help the customers, but I was sure I messed up even worse than I had on my first day. When Giles finally showed up, right before lunch, I froze in the middle of ringing up an order at the register. He nodded and smiled at me, before continuing to the office in the back. I didn’t realize I had been holding my breath until the door closed behind him. With an apologetic smile, I finished the sale. 

I should have been relieved. Spike hadn’t talked to his parents. So why was I feeling sad? 

Ignoring everything, I dove into the daily routines. Anya turned up at one, giving me half an hour lunch, and then we worked together as the steady stream of customers kept us busy. It wasn’t until I had to go to the back room to get a new jar of newt eyes that I even saw Giles again. He was sitting at this desk in the office, glancing up as the door closed behind me. I waved a little before I walked to the shelf where we kept the stock. Finding the right jar, I turned around to go back to the store again. 

“Buffy.”

Giles was standing in the doorway to his office, his glasses in his hand. He polished them with a concentrated look on his face. 

“Yes?”

“My wife and I would like to invite you and your brother to dinner. To… discuss things.”

“Oh.”

I held on to the jar I had in my arms, nervously wringing my right hand around the lid.   
Spike had told him. 

“Yes,” Giles said. “Are you available tonight?”

I wondered how long it would take him to clean his glasses, because he was still not looking at me. 

“No. Well, I am, but Angel’s in L.A. He won’t be back until Wednesday.” 

“I see. Perhaps then, you would like to join us?”

“S-sure. What time?”

The lid came off the jar and I almost dropped it, the liquid keeping the small eyeballs fresh splashing out over the top. Giles quickly helped me catch it and put the lid back on before handing the jar back to me. He put his glasses back on and put the napkin he had cleaned them with back in his pocket. 

“Is seven good for you?”

I nodded. 

“Seven’s fine. I’ll see you then.”

He nodded and I turned around to leave. A hand on my shoulder stopped me. 

“Buffy, I would just like to say…” He stopped. Instead of continuing, he leaned down and gave me an awkward hug. I smiled when he let me go, but I felt that the smile was a bit wobbly. With a last pat on my shoulder, Giles turned around and walked back to his office.

\- - - 

What kind of outfit was appropriate when you went to a dinner with the grandparent of your yet unborn child? After spending too much time raiding my closet, I settled for a simple blue skirt and a white blouse. The walk over to their house had left me a bit sweaty, so I tried to calm down by taking a couple of deep breaths as I stood outside the door. I rolled my neck and heard the bones crack before I pressed the doorbell. The soft ding-dong rang inside the house. 

Giles opened the door and invited me inside. While he took my coat, I looked around. When the house was filled with people, as it had been at Christmas, it hadn’t seemed that big. Now it seemed huge. Our steps actually sent out a soft echo as we walked to the dining room. 

The table was beautifully set, with lit candles and three sets of plates, even if they looked a bit lonely at the far and of the big table. Anne put away the matches as I walked through the doors. I could hear a piano playing softly, and for a second I wondered who was playing it before realizing it was a recording. 

“Welcome,” Anne said and gave me a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

I hugged her back, hoping she wouldn’t feel my heart’s nervous flutter. Giles pulled out a chair for me and we all sat down. 

“I’m glad you could make it,” Anne said and handed me the bread. “Rupert said that Angel was out of town?”

“He’s working in L.A.,” I answered. “There were a couple of meetings about the band he manages that he had to go to.” 

“How does he like it? Managing a band, I mean?” Giles asked, and we made some small talk about Angel and how he was coping with the fact that _Vampire Truth_ didn’t exist anymore. None of us mentioned Spike, or the real reason they had invited me over. 

I was sure the meal was lovely, but I could barely feel the taste of it. I was nervous, and despite feeling like my heart was about to jump up and out of my throat, I noticed that Giles and Anne were exchanging glances. Gone was the relaxed feeling I had had when I had celebrated Christmas at the very same table. The conversation stalled. 

“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” Anne finally said and slammed both of her hands down on the table, making me jump. “This is silly. Buffy, take your plate.”

She stood up and took her own plate. Not sure what I should do, I took my plate and followed her. 

“Rupert, put out the candles and come along.” 

Anne walked to the kitchen, setting her own plate down at the kitchen table. When we were all sitting down again, she leaned over and quickly covered my hand with her own. 

“This is better. When it’s just family, we always eat in here.”

I almost laughed, but instead I felt my eyes filling up with tears. She handed me a napkin. 

“I’m sorry,” I said and dried my tears. “It’s just been a bit much lately.”

“Oh, I understand,” Anne said and her voice was filled with sympathy. “But what do you say we enjoy the food, and then we can talk about all that other stuff?”

She said the word _stuff_ as if it was something fluffy and nice, not life-changing and scary. 

“Quite right,” Giles agreed. “What should we talk about?”

“I don’t know,” Anne said dismissively. “What is it you Americans say? ‘How ‘bout them Yankees?’”

This time, I did laugh.

\- - -

It wasn’t until we were sitting in the living room, the dessert finished, that the atmosphere turned tense again. I looked down into my half empty cup of tea, not sure what I was supposed to do. Anne cleared her throat and reached for something on the floor next to the couch. 

“I know I shouldn’t have,” she said as she retrieved a small gift box, “but I couldn’t help myself.” 

She handed me the gift, and I sat with it in my lap for a minute before I opened it. The yellow pajamas was tiny with a picture of a sleeping bear on the front. 

“Oh,” I breathed. “It’s pretty!”

I held it up and Giles smiled a little. 

“Very cute,” he admitted. 

“I walked by this store today and once I saw that I simply couldn’t leave without it,” Anne said. “I didn’t know if you were expecting a boy or a girl, but I figured it would be good for either.” 

“Thank you,” I said and gave her a hug. “This is the first thing she or he owns.” 

I looked at the pajamas again. It was so small. To think that I would have a baby what fit inside the pajama felt almost impossible. 

“Spike called us on Sunday,” Giles said. 

“How did he seem?” I asked and touched the soft material without looking up. I was pretty sure that was the first time I had heard Giles refer to his son by his nickname. 

“Quite upset,” Giles answered. “Mostly about ruining your life.”

“It’s not ruined,” I said. “But I didn’t exactly plan this,”

“We know, honey,” Anne said and put a hand on my shoulder. “These things happen. And it’s wonderful, having a baby. Things will work out.”

“And we’re hoping you would let us help you work things out,” Giles said. I looked at him. He took his glasses off and put them on the side table next to him before looking at me. 

“We want you to know that we will be around to help you in any way necessary. And we want to step in and pay for the rest of your college education in Boston.”

I just stared at him.

“It always seemed a bit unfair, that this thing with Charlie Chase should strike you the hardest,” Giles continued. “We talked about offering you this even before we found out you were pregnant.” 

“I don’t know what to say,” I said, and I really didn’t. 

“A long time ago, Rupert and I started college funds for all of our children,” Anne said. “William never went to college. You do. We would be honored if you would let us do this for you.” 

To go back to Boston. Leave Sunnydale behind. It had seemed impossible, but now it wasn’t. I could go back to college, and Angel had offered to move with me. Things could be okay. 

“Can I think about it?” I asked and tried to hide the yawn that almost drowned out the last word. 

“Of course,” Giles said. “It’s getting late. You must be exhausted.” 

“Do you want to stay the night?” Anne asked. “The guest room is ready. You could go with Rupert to work tomorrow.” 

I nodded.

\- - -

The first letter wasn’t really a letter. It arrived on Tuesday, and it was just a postcard with an image of L.A.’s skyline on it. The message was brief and looked as if it had been written in a hurry. 

_When I talked to you the other night, I knew I had messed up, but I guess no matter how bad things look, they can always get worse. I still mean every word I said. I’ll be a better man. For you, for me; for our baby._

It was only signed with an “S”, just like the rest of them. 

 


	27. Chapter 27

I had never seen anyone look more out of place than Angel did when he stood just inside the door of the Magic Box. When he saw me, he waved a little. 

“Hi,” I said. “I didn’t expect to see you until tonight. Did you get back early?”

My brother nodded. 

“Thought we could walk home together,” he said. 

“Sounds good. I can leave in half an hour. You can wait if you want to, or we can meet somewhere?” 

“I’ll wait.” He sat down at the round table and said hi to Tara and Willow. Willow blushed, but Tara just nodded and returned to her reading. She had a big test coming up that I knew she was worried about. 

Anya offered to close the store, which meant I could leave a little earlier. I smiled as Angel and I left the store, but every question I had about what he had been up to in L.A. was just met by a shrug of his shoulders. 

“What’s the matter?” I asked. “You’re even more broody than usual.”

That made him crack a smile. 

“Sorry,” he said. “A lot on my mind.”

“Something that happened in L.A.?”

“Sort of.” 

“So? Are you going to tell me, or do I have to drag it out of you?”

He shrugged again. I glanced as him as we got nearer to our house. I was just about to start the questioning again when he spoke.

“Do you still want to us to move to Boston?” he asked. 

I closed my mouth. I hadn’t talked to Angel since he left that Friday. How did he know what I was thinking? He didn’t know about the talk I had had with Spike’s parents. Come to think of it, he didn’t know about the talk I had had with Spike. I stopped and stared at my brother. He stopped as well, but he looked everywhere but at me. 

“You met Spike in L.A.,” I said. 

He nodded. 

“You decided to tell him,” I continued. It wasn’t that hard to guess. 

Angel sighed.

“I thought I had to.” 

“And?”

“And I didn’t. I’m sorry.” 

I started walking again. Angel followed me. 

“It wasn’t up to you to tell him,” I said. I 

“You’re right.”

“What did you think you would accomplish?” I asked. “If I hadn’t already told him, what good do you think it would do when you did it?” 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, Buffy. I shouldn’t have done it, but no harm done, right? He knew, we talked a bit, nothing’s changed.” 

_Except my trust in you,_ I thought, but maybe he was right. I hadn’t really trusted him in the first place. 

“Whatever,” I said and unlocked our front door. “I guess nothing has changed. Except that you’re the one talking about Boston this time.” 

“You don’t want to move?”

“I didn’t say that.” 

I walked to the kitchen and took a bottle of water from the fridge. Angel followed me and I leaned against the sink and looked at him.

“Spike’s parents offered to pay for college,” I said. “In Boston.”

I thought his eyes would pop out of his face.

“They did what?”

“You heard me.”

“Why?”

“Because their son knocked me up.” 

“Buffy!”

“What?” I said and took a big gulp of the water. “It’s true.” 

Some of the water ran down my chin, and I reached up and wiped it away. 

“You don’t have to say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like…”

He shut up. 

“In any case, it opens up all kind of possibilities,” I said. 

Angel leaned against he wall. As we looked at each other, the tense feeling disappeared. 

“It’s a good offer,” he said with a sigh. 

I nodded.

“Unless you get your money back, I guess it’s my best chance to graduate.” 

“I can still afford a cheaper college,” Angel reminded me. “Like Sunnydale. You could still graduate here.” 

I could. Up until a week ago, that had been my plan. Now I had no idea what I wanted to do anymore. About college, or about my life. I had to talk about it with someone, and I might as well start with my brother. 

“Angel, I want to ask you something, and I want you to think about it before you answer,” I said. He nodded, so I continued. “Did you know that Spike had a drinking problem?”

“I’m not sure the word had belongs in that sentence,” he said without hesitation, “but yes, I know Spike has a problem with drinking.” 

I looked down at my water bottle and concentrated on peeling the label off the bottle 

“Do you think he can stop?” 

Angel rubbed his hands over his face before sighed and looked at me. I glanced at him before I put the bottle down at the kitchen island. 

“I think that depends, Buffy. To begin with, he has to admit he has a problem. He’s always been pretty determined that there’s nothing wrong with his drinking. And even if he admits it’s a problem, he has to want to quit as well.” 

“And you don’t think he does,” I said.

“With everything that’s going on with Drusilla, I wouldn’t say no.”

I winced. 

“He broke up with her.”

“Ah.”

“What do you mean, ‘ah?’” 

“I was wondering where all these questions were coming from. Guess it’s clearer now.” 

I hated how dismissive he sounded. 

“Well, you’re the one who insisted I had to talk to him. You can’t be angry now that I did.”

“I said you had to tell him about the baby, not that you were supposed to get back together with him!”

“Was that why you went to talk to him in L.A.? To make sure there would be absolutely no chance of us getting back together? Because he would never trust me again?” 

“No!” Angel shouted. “I just wanted to make sure he knew!”

“You can’t keep making my decisions for me, Angel! I thought we already talked about this? Weren’t you supposed to help me this time around?”

“As long as you’re making the wrong decisions, the only way I can help is trying to fix things.”

“How do you even know if I’m making the wrong decisions when you’re not letting me make them in the first place?” 

“I know what you’re thinking, Buffy. You can’t save Spike. He won’t stop drinking just because you want him to.”

“What if he has already stopped?”

Angel stared at me. 

“He has?”

I nodded before telling him about the conversation I had had with Spike. When I had finished, Angel was quiet for a while.

“It sounds good,” he finally said. “I hope that works out for him. But that doesn’t mean I want you to go back to him.”

“I know,” I said. “I wasn’t planning to. At least not…”

“At least not yet?” Angel finished for me. 

I shrugged. 

“I don’t know, Angel. All I know is that I used to love him so much, and now I’m expecting his child. I don’t know anything about the future. I just hate that everything is so complicated.”

\- - -

The second letter was a real letter. My name and address were scribbled on the envelope and the pages had been torn from a notebook, but at least the handwriting wasn’t quite as unreadable as it had been on the postcard.   
_  
Buffy,_

_If I were a braver man, I would call you, but just the thought of you hanging up on me makes my knees quiver._

_I’m writing this because I want to explain everything that has happened. Not make excuses, mind you, but really explain. But now I don’t even know where to start._

_Shit._

_I’m writing this because I miss you. And NO, I’m not drinking. I’m perfectly capable of admitting I miss you without the aid of alcohol._

_Did I ever tell you about when I fell in love with you?_

_It was that summer we were touring Europe. Do you remember? You met us in Prague when your summer holiday started. The second you walked into the hotel room, I swear my heart stopped. Gone was the gangly kid I remembered, and instead this beautiful woman was looking back at me. You were always cute, but I couldn’t get over how beautiful you had become. How grown up._

_I think I told you once that it wasn’t so great, falling in love with a schoolgirl. You were still in high school back then. Felt like a dirty old man, but I couldn’t help it._

_Still can’t._

_S._  
 


	28. Chapter 28

“Hi.”

Anne looked surprised to see me. Giles was still at work and I had taken the opportunity to talk to Anne on my own. Giles was great, but if I had to watch him polish his glasses one more time, I would probably throw them on the ground and stomp on them. 

“Buffy! What are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry, I should have called first.” I almost turned around, but Anne put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me. 

“Nonsense. You are always welcome here. Come in.” 

I pushed my hands under my legs as I sat down on the soft couch, and shook my head no when Anne offered me a cup of tea. I had talked to Angel, and to Tara, about Boston and college, but I knew I was the one who had to make the final decision.

“I want to thank you for your offer about paying for college,” I said when she sat down next to me. “It means a lot to me, that you would like to do something like that for me.” 

“And?”

Anne looked at me expectantly. 

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to say no. I really appreciate it, I do, but I’ve decided to stay here in Sunnydale. My family is here, and my friends, and I already made sure I can transfer in September. I’m sort of hoping that you and Gi — Rupert — want to help in on other ways, like maybe babysitting?”

“Oh, thank god!”

Anne pulled me into a huge hug and I squealed in surprise. She let go of me and laughed and wiped away her tears at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “You must think I’m crazy, but just the thought of you moving across the country again was killing me!”

I laughed, surprised to find that I had tears in my eyes as well.

“Me too,” I admitted. “I used to want to be as far away from Sunnydale as possible, but I guess things has changed.” 

“I’m glad they have.” She hugged me again. “Now I have to call Rupert!”

\- - -

It was a good thing Angel wasn’t that interested in what ended up in our mailbox, because that meant he never even noticed _my_ sudden interest in it. It took almost two weeks before the next letter arrived, and when it did I hurried to my room to read it. 

_Buffy,_

_I’m going to be honest with you. It’s not easy, quitting drinking. Being on tour makes it even harder. Just as you predicted, I could add. We both know what tour life is like._

_The first thing I do when we get to a new place is to look up at the address of the meeting. I go as often as I can. Oz makes fun of me, because I try to go for the incognito-look. Blue jeans, t-shirt, sunglasses. Oz got me a baseball cap in Arizona as a joke, so I added it to the outfit. Probably look right ridiculous._

_The meetings make it easier. I mostly listen to the stories the other tells. Don’t feel like sharing my life with people I’ve never met before, but it gets me thinking. Last night, in this small town in the middle of nowhere, they started talking about why they started drinking. Someone felt like an outsider, said it made him feel like part of a group, another woman went on about her sad childhood._

_Never heard anyone say the real reason: drinking makes you brave. You can say and do anything and get away with it._

_At least that what it was like for me. At least in the beginning. Back when I was just a shy high school boy who had met his first love. Well, first reciprocated love. Dru changed my life._

Instead of turning the page, I put the letter down. I was glad Spike was getting help, but I didn’t want to read about his love for Drusilla. I sighed and put the letter back in the envelope, before I hid it in my sock drawer with the others.

\- - -

_June_

It felt like everything slowed down as summer really started. Once everybody knew about the baby, I felt like the world was no longer resting on my shoulders. Since business was kind of slow, Giles gave me some time off. That meant I even managed to enjoy some time at the beach with Tara and Willow. 

It didn’t mean I didn’t see Giles, though. Since finding out about the pregnancy, he and his wife included me in their Sunday night family dinners. Out of their six kids, only Ruth and Kylie still lived in Sunnydale, but with their many children it still felt like a big family to me. I loved it. Angel also had a standing invitation, but he spent most of his weekends in L.A.

It was one of those Sundays that changed things. We had already eaten, and Ruth was sitting with her youngest daughter in her lap, but the other kids were playing somewhere else on the house. I liked the big living room, but it was a bit hard to ignore the grand piano they had. Anne smiled when I asked about it. 

“Well, I play sometimes, but the real musician in this family has always been William.”

“Spike used to play the piano?” I asked with a smile. I couldn’t quite picture it.

“Oh, he was adorable,” Ruth said and hugged her sleepy daughter closer. “Don’t we have a video of him performing somewhere?”

“We do! I think I know where it is!” 

Kylie got up from the couch. Giles laughed as she headed for the library. 

“If she finds it, you can never tell Spike you’ve seen it. He’s very embarrassed about it.” 

Luckily, Kylie found the video, and I leaned closer to the TV as she pressed play. The piano looked huge compared to the little boy that stood next to it. He smiled and bowed to the audience before climbing up on the chair. 

“How old was he?” I asked. 

“Five,” Anne answered. “Or maybe four. Yes, four.” 

Listening to the music, I couldn’t believe it. It was beautiful. The camera zoomed in, but that just made the picture grainy and I was glad when if panned out again. It was filmed in a concert hall and the entire audience was as captivated as I was. 

“Oh my god,” I whispered to myself. It was incredible, seeing this small child playing the piano in a way I hadn’t even seen adults do. 

“Chopin,” Anne said, and if I had known anything about classical music it might have meant something to me. “Always beautiful.” 

When Spike finished playing, the audience cheered. He climbed down from the chair and blushed a little as he bowed again. No, that wasn’t Spike. That was William. I smiled as Anne, much younger than the version sitting next to me, walked out on stage and took his hand, walking away. The tape stopped. 

“He was such a cutie,” Kylie said with a sigh. “Sometimes I wish we had never left London.” 

I looked up, surprised at the tone of her voice. 

“The move isn’t to blame,” Ruth said before turning to her husband. “We should get home before Ella falls asleep.” 

Frank nodded, and soon Kylie and Tyler made their excuses as well. Since Angel was in L.A. again, I was planning to stay the night instead of going home to my empty house. This time, I was glad of the arrangement. 

“Why did she say that?” I asked when Giles and I were alone in the living room. “Did moving have anything to do with Spike… well, turning into Spike?” 

Giles sighed and looked down in to his whiskey.

“No. Yes. Maybe.”

Very conclusive. 

“Why did you move?” I asked as Anne came back. 

“I was offered a job,” Giles said. 

“Rupert,” Anne said as she cleared the table. “Don’t you think Buffy deserves to hear the real reason?”

He smiled at his wife.

“We left because things were… difficult for William,” he said. “When I was offered a job in Sunnydale, it seemed like the perfect solution.” 

“What was difficult?”

“As you could see, William had quite a talent for music. It wasn’t just piano. He could play violin as well, wrote music of his own, and sang. Some of his peers weren’t too fond of it.”

I put my arms around me. If it had been so bad that they had had to move halfway across the world… I thought about that child in the video. Poor Spike. 

“How old was he when you moved?”

“Eight. Kylie was ten, and she never really understood what was going on. The others did.” 

“I’m glad you moved,” I said. 

I noticed the glance they exchanged. 

“Things didn’t get better?” I guessed. 

“Not right away,” Giles answered, and Anne went to get a photo album. She sat down next to me and opened it. 

“He was a sensitive child,” she said. “Very gifted.” 

She showed me the family pictures. Spike looked entirely different. He hid in the pictures, barely looking at the camera. The Spike I knew met everyone face on. He never wavered, never hesitated. I turned the pages. This was William. Suddenly, I understood why he had changed his name. This wasn’t who he was. 

What had happened to him? What had made him go from the child in the video who could play in front of a packed concert hall, to the scared boy in the pictures, to the self-assured man that never backed down from anything? 

No, I corrected myself. He wasn’t self-assured. He was an alcoholic. 

“He had offers from several colleges before he was even in high school,” Giles said. “I always thought he would go to Julliard.” 

“Where you disappointed that he didn’t?”

“No,” Giles answered immediately. “The only disappointment I have is that he isn’t using his talent better. Banging away on those drums when he has a voice that people would kill for.”

I laughed and Giles smiled a little. 

“He sang,” I said. “That last night at the Bronze, before they left. I think it was one of his own songs.”

“Did he now?” Giles looked proud. “Good for him.” 

“I think this is good for him,” Anne said and put a hand on my belly. “You are good for him.”

\- - -

The next day, I took the letter out again. I had never finished it, but now I was curious. _Dru changed my life,_ he had written. Was she the reason he had gone from a shy, bullied boy to a rock star? I re-read the first part of the letter, and then I turned the page. 

_I really shouldn’t talk about Dru, should I? But it’s hard describing what it was like without talking about her. I know you think I was Mr. Popular in high school, but that’s pretty far from the truth. I was that nerdy kid that hid out in the library. And that was on good days._

_I sometimes wonder what my life would’ve looked like if I hadn’t met her. If I had survived high school, and that would’ve been a big if, things would’ve probably had gotten better in college. I might have gotten a regular job somewhere. I wouldn’t have met you._

_I wouldn’t change a thing, because it brought me to you._

_Don’t get me wrong, now. I would change the last six months. I would change the way I behaved. If I had been a better man, things between us could be so much better. We could’ve been a family._

_I’m trying to feel sad about the fact that you’re expecting my baby, but I can’t. I’m over the bloody moon, pet. You and I are going to have a baby. And I know I’m selfish for even thinking it, because I know how this throws your entire life for a loop, but this way, you’ll always be a part of my life._

The page was creased and the next part had been written in pencil. At the bottom of the page, he had erased something with such vigor that there was a hole in the paper. 

_Do you know I wanted to lift you up and spin you around the second those words were out of your mouth? That you were pregnant? The next second I realized what it would mean to you. What it would do to your future. I knew I had destroyed your life. I didn’t have any right to be happy about it_

_I don’t know if I’m imagining things, love, but I’ve been thinking about that talk. What you said next._

_Did I make it up? Or did you say that you wanted to have my baby?_

_Am I not alone in this? Do you want it at much as I do?_

_S_

“You’re not alone,” I said to the empty room. He definitely wasn’t.   
 


	29. Chapter 29

“ _What_ are you wearing? It’s great to see you, but that is not fashionable, not even by Sunnydale standards, and oh my god, are you _pregnant?_ ” 

I blinked in confusion as I was swept up in a hug as soon as I opened the front door. Cordelia let go of me and stepped back, her hands on my shoulders. She looked pretty much the same, but she had a better tan than when I last saw her before Christmas. 

“So? Aren’t you going to say it’s great to see me?” she asked.

“Cordy! What are you doing here?”

I hugged her and she laughed.

“See, that was more of the reaction I was after. I came back to see you, of course.”

She swept by me and walked in to the house while she kept talking. I closed the front door and followed her to the living room.

“This place looks the same,” she said and sat down on the couch. “Thank god _something_ is,” she added. “So where’s Spike?”

“Spike?”

“He _is_ the father of the baby you’re expecting, right? So where is he?” 

I had almost forgotten that spending time with Cordelia often felt like being swept up by a tornado. 

“Jumping to conclusions much?” I asked with a smile and sat down next to her.

“Oh, puh- _lease!_ The two of you have been making googly eyes at each other for years and he’s always sending you those e-mails and text messages. Last time I talked to you, you didn’t exactly sound crushed about having to stay in Sunnydale, and now you’re pregnant. It doesn’t take a scientist to figure it out, Buffy. So where is he?”

“On tour with his new band.”

“A-ha!” Cordelia smiled. “I knew the two of you would end up together.” 

“Well, not exactly.” 

It felt surreal, sitting in my living room with Cordelia. As I filled her in on everything she had missed, I kept waiting to wake up. By the time I had finished, we had moved to the kitchen and I had made us dinner. 

“Wow, your spring has sure been more eventful than mine,” Cordy said and pushed the food around the plate. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good thing,” I said and Cordelia smiled.

“Maybe not,” she agreed. 

“So what happened?”

“Not much, actually. Dad said he had some time off, and since he had been neglecting us since pretty much forever, he wanted to spend it with his family. Mom was ecstatic and I guess I decided to give him one last chance. Look how well that turned out!”

She looked at me and smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She sighed and shook her head. 

“After we talked on the phone, I confronted him. Of course he didn’t admit anything, but I know he did it. I’m sorry, Buffy.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “You know that.” 

“Well, I’m related to him.”

“I’m related to Angel, and I hope you’re not holding _that_ against me.” 

That made her laugh again.

“You keep forgetting that I like your brother,” she reminded me and I made a face at her. 

The front door slammed shut.

“Buffy?”

“Speak of the devil,” I said to Cordelia. “In the kitchen, Angel!”

I heard Angel march through the house, but as soon as he appeared in the doorway he stopped. 

“Hi,” Cordelia said with a smile.

“Cordy. What are you… Hi.” 

I rolled my eyes at the way my brother stared at my best friend. 

“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t stay for long,” Cordelia said. “I have something for you.” 

She got up from the chair and went to the living room. When she came back, she had a big envelope in her hand.

“What’s this?” Angel asked when she handed it to him.

“My dad’s itinerary for the next couple of months, along with the numbers for his accounts in Switzerland, and some little extras that your lawyer might find interesting.”

I stared at her. 

“Cordy…”

“No,” Angel said and held out the envelope for her. “I can’t take this. He’s your father.” 

Cordelia held her hands up and took two steps backwards. 

“I won’t take it back. It’s up to you how you use it, but I can’t stand the thought that the only reason I could spent the last six months traveling the world is because you and Buffy are stuck in Sunnydale.” 

As I watched Angel, I saw the emotions play across his face. Finally, he nodded and put the envelope on the kitchen island. 

“Good,” Cordelia said. “I’ll get out of here now. I have to find a hotel to stay the night, because it turns out Dad sold the house while we were away, and then I’m off to Boston tomorrow.” 

I jumped off the chair. 

“No, stay,” I said, a bit surprised that my brother said the same thing at the same time.

“Stay,” he repeated. “You’re always welcome here, Cordy. No matter what.” 

It took some convincing, but finally Cordelia sat down again. 

“There was something in the mail box for you,” Angel said to me as he sat down. “A postcard.” 

My heart sped up. 

“There was?”

He handed it to me. I looked at the picture first. It was taken from above and showed a big concrete block, surrounded by a huge, empty parking lot. The name _Pine mall_ was written across the card in blue, swirly letters. I smiled. 

“Oh no, is Spike finding postcards of those things now?” Cordelia asked and laughed. “As if sending you messages with them wasn’t bad enough!”

“Messages?” Angel asked. 

“You know, those things that gets delivered to your phone?” Cordy joked. “New, fancy technology.” 

“Ah.” Suddenly my brother did the last thing I thought he would do: he smiled at me. “It was you he sent those to. Maybe you could explain it to me. I always wondered why he took pictures of the most boring places he could find.” 

“Me too,” Cordelia said. “Parking lots, gas stations, docks, concrete buildings… Why?”

I laughed. 

“It’s an old joke. Actually, it started with a postcard,” I said and held it up. “I think we were in Germany at the time, and I found a postcards with a picture of a factory on it. Spike got all ‘why do they even sell these bloody things? What are you supposed to write on them? Wish you were here?’” 

“So what did he write?” Angel asked. 

I turned the card over. Four words, no signature. 

_Wish you were here._

\- - -

I stared through the window of the Espresso Pump. I had half an hour before I started work and I had decided to get a cup of coffee first, but considering the scene that was taking place inside my favorite coffee place, it was probably a bad decision.

The woman who was dancing in front of the desk, hands held high over her head, had black hair, but her lighter roots were showing. Her arms were skinny and when she turned around in a pirouette I could see the dark shadows under her closed eyes. The only thing that made her look anything but a walking skeleton was her swollen belly. I briefly wondered how much weight Drusilla had lost, to look like that. The barista was leaning over the counter, trying to talk to her, and the few customers who were inside had retreated to the far wall. Everyone was staring at her. 

The door opened as one of the customers decided he really didn’t need coffee after all. I could hear Dru humming loudly to herself as the boy behind the counter tried to get her attention. 

I should just leave. What did it matter to me, that Drusilla acted out all kinds of crazy in the middle of town? I turned around. 

No, I couldn’t. With a sigh, I took my phone from my pocket and searched through my contact list. I don’t think I had ever used Darla’s number before. 

“Hi, it’s Buffy. You don’t happen to be in Sunnydale, do you?” I asked as soon as she answered. 

_“Buffy? No, I’m at home. Why are you calling?”_

She sounded as if I had woken her up. 

“Dru is acting a bit… strange.”

_“What did she do this time? Call you a bad name?"_

Darla sighed and I imagined that she rolled her eyes. 

“No, that would be pretty much normal. She’s inside the Espresso Pump, dancing to music only she can hear.” 

Darla was quiet. 

“Darla?” I asked. “Are you still there?”

_“Yes. Shit. I have to make some calls. Can you stay there?”_

“Yeah, fine. But I’m not going in there. I really don’t like her.”

_“I’m sure that feeling’s mutual. Just wait there, okay? I’ll call you back.”_

She hung up. I turned around and looked at Dru again. I had a really bad feeling about this. The baby kicked. 

“We’re only doing this because she might be carrying your sister or brother,” I said and put a hand on my belly. Then I looked around to make sure no one had seen me talking to myself. One crazy pregnant woman was enough for the day. 

I wasn’t sure how long I had been waiting when my phone rang again. Darla. 

_"Buffy, I hate to ask this of you, but do you think you can get her home?”_

She sounded frantic, and I could hear a faint echo of her steps. 

“Me?! Really?”

_“You know I wouldn’t ask you if I had a choice. I couldn’t get a hold of anyone else. I’m on my way to my car, but it’s going to take me a couple of hours to get there. Please?”_

I heard her open a door and the echoing sound changed. She was probably in her garage. 

“Fine,” I muttered. “I’ll try.” 

_“Thank you. I’ve left messages with a couple of people, including Angel, and as soon as anyone get back to me I’ll let you know.”_

“Okay. Drive safe.”

_“I will. I’ll talk to you later.”_

I put the phone back in my pocket. No point in waiting. I took a deep breath and walked inside. 

Drusilla was still humming to herself. As the door closed behind me, she hesitated in her dance for a brief moment, but then she went on dancing without opening her eyes. The boy who worked there looked up at me, and his eyes lit up. 

“You’re Betty, right? You know _her?_ ” He nodded at Drusilla. “She’s acting really strange!”

“No kidding,” I muttered under my breath and decided to ignore him. “Dru?” 

She made a pirouette. I tried again, but she didn’t even open her eyes. Behind me, the customers who had been huddling by the wall started ordering their coffees. Obviously, all they had waited for someone else to take control of the situation. I tried getting her attention again.

“Drusilla, come on. I don’t want to be here anymore than you do.” 

She stopped dancing. Slowly, she lowered her arms. When she had her left hand by her chin and her right hand by her hip, she opened her eyes. 

I took a step back. It felt as if Drusilla wasn’t looking at me at all, as if she saw straight through me. She whined, a high-pitched sound that was much worse than the humming, before she became quiet. I wasn’t sure it was better when her eyes lost that far away look and focused on me. 

“Bad pixies!” 

It felt like an attack. Her left arm shot forward, as if she was trying to grab something from the thin air in front of her. I wish I could say that I didn’t flinch. 

“No coffee!” She moved her left arm again, while she put her right arm behind her. “Bad pixies! Won’t let me have any fun!” 

The word “fun” dragged out to that whine again. She closed her eyes again and the whine turned to humming. 

“Oh no,” I said and grabbed her right arm. “Not again. Let’s go.” 

I think it was more the element of surprise than anything else that made it possible for me to drag her out of the coffee shop. As soon as we were outside, she tugged her arm free. She almost fell, but in the last moment she managed to remain standing. She narrowed her eyes and stared at me. 

“You. What are you doing here?”

Her words made sense, but her eyes had lost focus again.

“You have to go home,” I said. “I’m just here to help you.” 

“Don’t want your help. You’re worse than the evil pixies. Sugar and spice and stealing things that are not yours. _Petkittenlove._ Don’t want your help.”

Like I want to help you, I thought, but this time I didn’t say anything. Sure, Dru had never been exactly normal, but I had never seen her like this. Her left arm started twitching and she closed her eyes. The humming started again. How was I going to get her home? 

“Well,” I tried, “I get that you don’t want _her_ help.”

She stopped humming and looked at me. She cocked her hear to the side. 

“I’m not really _her,_ ” I continued. “I’m one of the pixies. A good pixie. Sometimes we have to look like real people, to be able to really help. I’m here to get you home.”

I could almost see the gears moving inside her head. God, if she believed this, she was really out of it. Finally, she nodded and turned in the direction of her house. I put my arms around me to stop the chill that moved up my spine. 

It took far longer than necessary to get Dru home. It was as if she forgot that she was on her way home every time she saw something new. I walked a couple of steps behind her and reminded her to move on whenever she stopped to watch a tree or a flower. 

We were not too far away from the house when my phone rang again. Dru twitched at the sound and I hurried to answer. 

_“Buffy? I’m calling to see if anything has happened?”_

“Giles!” Work. I had completely forgotten. “I’m sorry, I ran into Dru and,” I lowered my voice, “she is acting kind of strange and I’m trying to get her home.” 

_“You what? No, I heard you,”_ he added when I tried to repeat it, _“I’m just surprised. Should you really be the one to do that?”_

Dru had walked a bit ahead, so I wasn’t worried she would hear me anymore.

“No, I really shouldn’t,” I agreed and explained about my call to Darla. “I hope someone else can take over soon.” 

_“I’ll close the shop and then I’ll be right over,”_ Giles said. I thought about protesting, but decided not to. 

My phone rang again as soon as the call had disconnected. Angel had gotten Darla’s message and told me he’d be right over as well. 

Dru was just walking through her front door when I caught up with her. I followed her inside. She started humming to herself, and this time I didn’t try to stop her when she started dancing again.   
 


	30. Chapter 30

“I _really_ don’t want to be here anymore,” I announced as Angel arrived. Dru was stretched out on the couch, staring at the ceiling, still humming. Angel put an arm around my shoulders and hugged me.

“I get that,” he said as he took the room in. Everything was a mess. The floor was littered with clothes, books and strange things that made it smell really bad. My brother let go off me and walked over to Drusilla. She didn’t react when he crouched down and said her name. 

“Angel, what’s going on?” I asked. “Has she been like this before?”

“She has always had her ups and downs,” he answered and stood up again. “But I’ve never seen her like this. Darla gave me the number to Dru’s doctor. I’ll call him.” 

I nodded and put my arms around me again. Angel managed to reach the doctor and walked through the house as he talked. I heard him swear when he got to the bathroom. 

“Buffy?” he called out. “Can you get a pair of scissors, or maybe a knife, from the kitchen?” 

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me, and took a deep breath before I walked through the living room. I hadn’t moved from the front door since we got there. The whole place was giving me the creeps. 

Once I found a small fruit knife, I walked to the bathroom. Angel smiled and took the knife from me. When he stepped back from the door, making it possible for me to see the entire room, I gasped. 

The mirror on the medicine cabinet had been broken, but not before it had been taped shut with packing tape. The broken glass was still held in place by the tape. But the thing that had made me gasp was the way the word “no” was written all over the room. On the mirror, on the walls. Angel glanced at me and tried a reassuring smile before he went back to cutting his way through the tape. 

“What was it called again?” he asked the person on the phone. “Just so I know what I’m looking for.”

He pried the door open, careful not to dislodge the broken glass. Boxes and pill jars poured out of the cabinet and landed in the sink. Angel rummaged through them before he took one of the jars and walked out of the bathroom. I moved out of his way, but I didn’t follow him to the living room. 

The bathroom looked as something out of a horror movie. I walked inside. I was not really thinking about what I was doing as I started putting all the things back in the cabinet. Depacon, Ambien, Lithobid, Zoloft… Some of the names I recognized, others I didn’t. The only thing I knew was that for whatever reason Dru had all these drugs, it had to be something serious. 

“Hello?”

I recognized Giles’s voice. I put the last box back and carefully closed the door before I went back out. Giles and Angel were talking to each other in low voices. Finally, Angel nodded and lifted his phone back to his ear. 

“Yes, that would probably be best,” he said. “Half an hour. Okay.” 

He hung up. 

“I can wait with her,” Giles said. 

“What’s happening?” I asked. 

“I couldn’t get her to take the medicine,” Angel answered. “When I described the situation, the doctor decided it was best to get her to a hospital. They’re sending an ambulance over.”

Dru’s humming became louder and we all looked at her. I didn’t like her. I had never liked her. Still, this was just sad. Angel put a hand on my shoulder. 

“Let’s go. Rupert will stay.”

Giles nodded. As soon as we were outside, I took a deep breath of the fresh air, letting it fill my lungs. I never wanted to go back to that house.

\- - -

“I can’t get over the way she looked,” Darla said and shook her head. “It was as if she hadn’t eaten in weeks.” 

After stopping by the hospital, Darla had come over to our house. 

“I can’t believe I missed all the drama,” Cordelia whispered, low enough for Darla not to hear it. Angel shot her a look and furrowed his brow. Cordy rewarded him with an eye-roll. 

“What did the doctor say?” he asked and refilled Darla’s coffee cup. She thanked him and took a sip. 

“They’ll keep her there for at least a week. Apparently, she had quit all her meds and they have to get her back on them.” 

“She did? Why?”

“Because of the baby, I think. When she found out she was pregnant, they lowered her dose, but they didn’t want her to quit completely. I stayed with her for a while and she seemed fine to me,” Darla explained. “I didn’t think she’d need me anymore when Spike came back. When he left, she for some reason or other decided she wasn’t going to take any drugs at all.” 

Spike had once told me he considered Dru to be fragile, but I hadn’t believed him. I guess she was. 

“That doesn’t sound very smart,” Cordy said. 

“It’s not.”

I looked down in to my almost empty coffee mug. It felt as if I was listening to a conversation I really shouldn’t be hearing. I looked up again, to find Cordy staring at me.

“You’re not feeling sorry for her, are you?” she asked

“Well, I…” 

“You shouldn’t. Dru has been a bitch far longer than she’s been sick.” 

Both Darla and Angel stared at her. Finally, Darla shrugged. 

“She has,” she admitted. “Cordelia’s right. I’m sorry you had to see this side of Dru, Buffy, but don’t feel sorry for her. She wouldn’t allow you to.” 

“I just feel bad,” I said in a low voice. “I didn’t know. Maybe if I had, things would have...” 

“Don’t,” Darla interrupted. “Will it make you feel better to know she was perfectly fine when she decided to break you and Spike up? There was absolutely nothing wrong with her then.”

“Wasn’t she on medication then?”

“Of course she was,” Darla said. “And she was fine. When the meds are working, there’s nothing more wrong with her than it is with anyone else.”

“Darla, don’t get upset,” Angel said. 

“I’m not,” she answered, but it was obvious that she was. “It’s been a long day. I’m going back to the house.” 

“You can stay here tonight if you want to.”

She shook her head and got up from the chair. Angel and I followed her to the door. 

“Thank you, both of you, for all your help today. Don’t worry about Dru. I’ve got it from here.” 

Angel nodded. 

“You can always call me when you need to,” he said. 

“Thank you.”

She gave him a hug before she turned to me. 

“Buffy, Cordelia is absolutely right: Dru has always been a bitch. I love her, but I don’t like the things she has done, and I never make excuses for her. What she did to you and Spike was horrible, especially since she has no idea who the father of her baby really is.”

“Fine, I still hate her. Happy?”

She smiled. 

“A little,” she said. “Bye.” 

Angel closed the door behind her as I went back to the living room.

\- - -

_July_

“This was always my favorite part about Sunnydale,” Cordy said and stretched her body in the sun. “Lazy days at the beach.”

“It’s pretty nice,” Tara agreed. 

We had found the perfect spot on the beach, with just a little bit of shade to make Tara comfortable. Cordy had made sure the shadow was absolutely nowhere near her.

“Too bad I have to leave,” I said, but I didn’t get up. Since business was pretty slow over the summer, Anya and I shared our time at the store instead of both of us being there. 

“Stay,” Cordy said. “No one is going to buy anything on a day like this anyway.” 

“Probably not. Do you think I can convince Giles to just shut the place down for the summer?”

“You can always pretend to be crazy,” Cordy answered and I hit her lightly on the arm. It was three weeks since the episode with Dru, and according to Darla she was doing better. I wasn’t really ready to make jokes about it yet. Cordy just smiled. 

“I’ll go with you,” Tara said. “My order should have come in today.” 

“So what, you’re just going to leave me here?” Cordelia complained. 

“You still have Willow and Xander,” I reminded her. 

She sat up and looked at the water, where Willow and Xander were doing their best to push the other under the surface, an activity that seemed to require lots of shrieking and laughing. 

“What, I’m on babysitting duty?”

Tara actually laughed as she got up from her towel. 

“Yes you are,” she said as she wiped off the sand. “No more ice cream until after lunch, and make sure they behave. No drowning allowed.” 

“Fine,” Cordy agreed and put her sunglasses back on. “But the two of you owe me.”

\- - -

“Finally,” Anya said as Tara and I walked in to the Magic Box. “I was about to die of boredom.” 

“Great, just what I was looking forward to doing this afternoon,” I said as Anya grabbed her bag and left. Tara went to the storeroom to find her order as I set up behind the register. The store was completely empty, the dust slowly moving through the sun that shone in through the window. 

I picked up the envelope from my pocket. It had arrived three days earlier, but I had yet to open it. My name was smudged and it looked as if the ink had been wet and then dried again. Once again, I tried to flatten the creases, but they had only become worse from me carrying the letter around with me. 

“What’s that?”

I jumped at the sound of Tara’s voice. 

“Oh, nothing,” I tried and put my hands on the envelope. Tara put her new books down on the counter. 

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” she said lightly. 

If there were anyone I could tell, it would be Tara, right? I lifted my hands. 

“It’s a letter from Spike,” I said. She reached for it and I let her take it. “He’s been writing from their tour. But this letter… I don’t know. I’m a bit afraid to open it.” 

Tara turned the envelope over before she gave it back to me. 

“It looks a bit worse for wear. How long have you been carrying it around?”

“It looked like this when I got it. As if _he_ has been carrying it around before he sent it to me.”

“And maybe cried a little on it, judging by the stains,” Tara said. I nodded. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

I sighed. 

“I should.”

“Do it. I’ll stand here and pretend that I’m not at all interested in what he is writing.”

Tara really had a way to make me feel better. I smiled, took a deep breath, and opened it. 

_Buffy,_

_Ended up at this sorry excuse of a meeting yesterday. Eight people, bad coffee, pathetic stories. Every single one of them blaming the alcohol, only the alcohol, for everything bad in their lives. As if the alcohol was a demon that took over their lives, leaving them without responsibility for their actions, for hurting loved ones, for crashing cars, for loosing jobs. It doesn’t work that way. In the end, it’s still them making all the decisions. It’s still me making the decisions. Fucking wrong decisions, but it’s not anyone else’s fault. My fault I chose to drink, right? So I tell them they’re cowards, not facing reality._

_One of them, this big farm guy, gets in my face. He’s really pissed. We’re standing in the middle of the circle of chairs, up in each other’s faces, me screaming at him, him screaming at me. Lots of screaming going around, everyone’s upset. He asks me who I think I am, to come in there and tell them how things work._

_So I tell him. I’m the alcoholic that’s man enough to admit that he’s the one making the decisions, not the alcohol making it for him. But the guy keeps pushing me, provoking me. Who are you, who are you?_

_I tell him again. I’m William, and I’m an alcoholic._

_And the guy stands back as all the air in my lungs just disappear. Fuck, love, I’m no better than them. It’s easy to say that Spike, the big bad rock star, has made some pretty lousy decisions. What do you expect from a fucking drummer, right?_

_But to admit that it’s me, William, the bloody awful poet, apple of my mother’s eye, shy kid that used to get his head flushed down the toilets at school, fucking pathetic loser, that did all this?_

_Completely different._

_I’m no better than them. They blame alcohol, I blame Spike. As if it’s someone else, not me, when it’s been me all along._

_I don’t even know who I am anymore. All I know is that I love you._

_I love you, Buffy._

_Spike, William, whatever._

“So?” Tara asked. “What does he say?”

I shook my head. I had to read it again. _My fault I chose to drink. It’s easy to say that Spike, the big bad rock star, has made some pretty lousy decisions. I don’t even know who I am anymore._

“Oh, Tara,” I said and put the letter down. “I don’t think this is good.” 

Tentatively, she reached for the letter again. I handed it to her and waited while she read. When she looked at me again, I had almost chewed the nail on my right thumb all the way down. 

“Call him,” she said. 

I shook my head.

“I can’t. I haven’t talked to him since they left. What if I only make it worse?” 

I had no idea what to do. Spike seemed to be falling apart, but he was on the other side of the country. 

“Call Oz!” Tara exclaimed. She took her cell phone out and quickly went through her phone numbers before she handed the phone to me.

Call Oz. I could to that. It seemed to take forever before he answered. 

_“Oz speaking.”_

The noise on the other side of the line almost drowned out his words. I couldn’t stand still, so I walked to the back of the store while I tried to make him hear me.

“Hi, it’s Buffy. Buffy!” 

_“What? Who? Hang on, I can’t hear you.”_ The noise disappeared. _“There, that’s better.”_

“It’s Buffy. Spike’s…”

I really didn’t know how to finish that sentence. 

_“Hi! How are things in Sunnydale?”_

“Pretty much the same. How’s life on tour?” 

_“Pretty much the same. I’m guessing you’re calling about Spike?”_

Trust Oz to cut to the chase. 

“He’s sending me letters,” I said. “He seemed upset in the last one. I’m a little worried.”

 _“He’s been kind of low,”_ Oz admitted. _“But he’s not drinking.”_

“That’s good.” I bit on my nail again. I wondered what kind of low meant in Oz-speak. 

_“He’s had a couple of rough weeks,”_ Oz continued. _“We’re talking a bit. I think it’s getting better.”_

Thank god for Oz. I exhaled the breath I had been holding. 

“That’s good,” I repeated. “Actually, that’s great. I’m glad you’re there. I’d call him, but I don’t think that would be the best. I think he has some things he needs to deal with himself before we deal with whatever we have.” 

There was something about Oz that made it very easy to talk to him. 

_“I agree. Don’t worry, I’m keeping an eye on him.”_

“Thank you.” 

_“No worries. I have to go, we’re setting up for tonight. And oh, Buffy?”_

“Yes?”

_“Congratulations on the pregnancy.”_


	31. Chapter 31

“Do you have this in blue?”

Cordy added a yellow top to the pile she was going to try on while the saleslady went to find the skirt in the right color. Shopping was just one of the many things I had missed doing with Cordelia during the time we had been apart. I held up a green skirt and sighed.   
“I want this, like, so bad. Too bad I’m too fat for it.”

“Oh, shut up,” Cordy answered happily. “The girl at that other place couldn’t get over how small you were.”

“I still have to settle for maternity wear,” I pointed out.

“Probably not.” Cordelia grabbed the skirt and held it up in front of me. “Try a couple of sizes bigger than you’d normally wear.” 

I looked in the mirror and turned around a little. Maybe. After a quick look at the price tag, I put it back on the rack. One big difference from our earlier shopping sprees was that I had to keep en eye on the cost, while Cordy had no problem flashing her black credit card whenever necessary.

“Nah, it’s okay,” I said. “I got so many pretty things at the last store.” 

“See? I told you you’d find some cute outfits in L.A. Seriously, just because you live in Sunnydale you don’t have to settle for small town fashion.” 

“It would be easier if Angel let me borrow his car.” 

“No, it would be easier if you could actually _drive_ his car. Do I need to remind you that the last time you tried, he had to have the entire front of it replaced? Actually, I still can’t believe he let Spike borrow it to give you a driving lesson.”

“I’m pretty sure Spike never asked,” I said with a smile. “Well, I guess you have to come see me more often then, since Angel doesn’t have any problems with letting you drive his car.”

“I’ll stop by whenever I can,” Cordy answered and took the blue skirt from the saleslady with a polite smile. “I’ll just try these on, and then we’ll head back to Sunnydale. Angel said he wanted the car back before five.” 

“Then we’d better hurry up,” I said as Cordy closed the door to the changing room behind her. 

“This won’t take long,” Cordy answered through the door. I leaned against the wall and smiled. It had been great to spend the day with just my best friend. It was a nice reminder of how things had used to be, back before everything changed. 

“I’ll take the skirt,” Cordy decided as she came out. “Let’s go.”

\- - -

“Finally!”

Angel didn’t even wait for Cordelia to turn off the engine before he opened her door.

“It’s not like we’re _that_ late,” she answered with a shrug and handed him the keys. “What’s the rush?”

I got out of the car and started taking out our shopping bags. 

“I said five. It’s closer to six.” There was something in Angel’s voice that made me look up. I recognized the twinkle in his eye as he smiled at Cordy. Huh. 

“Whatever. We had some serious shopping to do.” 

“I can see that. I’ll help you carry everything inside.” 

“You don’t have to if you’re in a hurry,” I said. “We’ll manage.”

Instead of answering, he just took three of the bags from me. Cordy handed Angel another bag before following me to the front door. 

_“Surprise!”_

I stopped inside the door and stared at all the people in the brightly decorated living room. Cordelia laughed behind me.

“What, did you really think I would go back to Boston before making sure you got a baby shower?”

“Oh my god!” I put the bags down. “Is this for me?”

“Of course it is.” Tara stepped up to me and gave me a hug. “Come inside.” 

I almost couldn’t believe it. Willow and Tara was there, as well as Anya and Spike’s sisters and mother. Xander was huddled in a corner with Giles. 

“Apparently, I’m one of the girls,” Xander said as he gave me a hug. 

“No, you’re not,” Anya said. “Definitely not.”

“We figured it would be okay to invite some boys as well,” Tara said. “Especially since your brother refused to let us set this up if he wasn’t allowed to come.” 

“And I insisted,” Giles said with a smile as he took off his glasses and cleaned them. 

“It’s perfect,” I said and gave him a hug as well. “Cordy, I can’t believe you managed to keep quiet about this the entire day!”

“I’m really good with secrets,” she said with a smile. “Come on, there are gifts. And cake!” 

Anya handed me a knife for the cake and insisted that I should cut the first piece. I stopped and stared at it.

“There’s a baby on the cake,” I said. "Actually, I think the cake is a baby." 

“Of course. This is a baby shower,” Anya said as if it explained everything. 

“And at baby showers you celebrate… eating the kid?” I asked and laughed. Anya managed to keep a straight face for almost an entire minute before she laughed as well.

“I know, it’s hideous. I couldn’t help myself when I saw it at the baker’s. Start with the arm.” 

I still giggled as I cut pieces of the cake and handed out to the guests. 

The evening was great. Half of the gifts were things I hadn’t even known I needed for the baby, but the best gift was the beautiful crib that Giles and Anne gave me. Xander and Angel helped me carry it upstairs, before they took the chance to sneak out of the house together with Giles. By the end of the evening I was exhausted, but I tried not to show it. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t fool Cordelia, though. She took one look at me before announcing to the guests that the tired pregnant lady needed her beauty sleep. Despite my protests, that ended the party. I hugged and thanked everyone as they left. 

“We’re leaving these things here for tonight,” Cordelia decided as she looked at the small mountain of baby things. “Besides, they won’t fit in the baby’s room until I leave.” 

“It’s still the guest room, and you’re welcome to stay longer,” I said as we walked upstairs. “This little one won’t need it for almost three months.”

“No, but I need to fix a place in Boston before the semester starts,” Cordy said. “I’ve already stayed here longer than I planned.” 

“I’m glad you did.” 

“Me too.”

She gave me a hug before I walked into my bedroom. I sat down at the edge of my bed and looked at the crib. Three months, then I would have a baby that would sleep in it. I touched the side of the crib and felt the smooth surface. The knock on the door startled me and I looked up to see Cordelia come in, dragging her mattress and her pillow with her.

“I thought that since it’s my last night here, we could use a old-time sleepover. Hey, are you crying?” She let go of her things and sat down next to me. “Buffy, why are you sad?”

“I’m not,” I said and wiped my tears. 

“You look like it.”

“No, I’m happy. Today was great. It’s just…”

“Yes?”

“It was the first time everyone acted like me being pregnant wasn’t the apocalypse.”

Now I was really crying. Cordelia hugged me until I calmed down. 

“I’m sorry,” I said and got up. “It’s silly to cry. I blame the hormones.” 

“It’s not silly. I understand.”

“So, sleepover?” I said and smiled, deciding to change the subject. Cordelia smiled back and started to fix her things on the mattress on the floor.

“Yes, like old times. I can’t believe you won’t be my roommate anymore. Oh _Buffy_ , I didn’t mean for you to start crying again.”

"This time I _am_ sad. I can’t believe it either. I’m going to miss you so much.”

“We’ll talk, and I’ll come see you. You didn’t think you’d be able to hide that kid of yours from me, did you?”

I laughed between the tears. 

“I wouldn’t even try.” 

I went to the bathroom and washed my face and got ready for the night. When I came back, Cordy was already in her makeshift bed on the floor, the crib pushed to the wall so she would have room. I climbed over her to get to my own bed. 

“The last time we shared a room was in December,” Cordy said. “Weird.” 

“Especially since we’ve been roommates since we were thirteen,” I agreed with a yawn. “Are you sure you don’t want to transfer to Sunnydale?”

“Hello, me in Sunnydale permanently? Without all that great shopping of a big city? I don’t think so.” 

I smiled in the darkness at her obvious sarcasm. 

“I thought there was something else that could lure you to live here,” I said. “Or someone. You and Angel have spent a lot of time together lately.”

“We’re just friends.” 

“Uh-huh,” I agreed. “That was what Spike and I was too.” 

Cordy laughed a little. 

“You know I’ve always liked your brother, but that’s all there is.” 

“Really? I thought he liked you too.” 

I heard her shift and I turned to look at her. I could just make out her face in the darkness. 

“Well,” she said and looked at me. “I think he might like me. A little. But it’s complicated. One, he’s your brother. Two, he’s old. Three, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“One, so what? Two, not _that_ old. Three, what shoe?”

“The one where my father gets arrested and dragged off to jail to rot forever and ever.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. The information I gave Angel was more than enough to find him. It’s making me itchy that nothing has happened yet.”

“What about when it does?”

“Then I’ll deal with it. I’m good at dealing with things. It’s the waiting I can’t stand.” 

We were both quiet for a while before Cordy spoke again, her voice teasing. 

“Speaking of complicated, how are things with you and Spike?”

“Vastly changed, with all that talking we’ve been doing while he’s on the other side of the country,” I quipped. 

“Funny. No, but seriously, what’s going on?”

“Nothing. He seems better, but I don’t know if that changes anything.”

“Do you want it to?”

_Desperately._

“Yes,” I admitted. “But it scares me just to say it out loud.” 

“You’re afraid to want it,” Cordelia said, “because it might go wrong.”

“Is that what’s going on with you and Angel?”

“A little. I imagine it’s worse for you. You wanted, you got it, and then everything went all wonky.”

The pauses in our conversation got longer as we got sleepier.

“Nice understatement.”

“Thank you.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “Angel invited me here for Thanksgiving, by the way.”

“Good. You’re coming, right?”

She was quiet for so long I thought she had fallen asleep. 

“I don’t know. We’ll see. I hope so.”

“That other shoe?”

“Yeah.” 

“Cordy?”

“Yes?”

“You know you’re like a sister to me, right?”

“Yes. You’re like a sister to me too.”

\- - -

_Buffy,_

_The tour is almost over. I’m still sober._

_I still miss you._

_Can I take you to dinner when I come home?_

_Love,  
William_  
 


	32. Chapter 32

_August_

“Black coffee, or iced caramel macchiato with cream and sprinkles on top?”

I looked up from my book and raised my hand to shield my eyes from the sun. Riley was looking down at me with a smile on his face, and two beverages in his hands. 

“Riley! Hi!”

I moved a little to make room for him on the blanket I was sitting on. I was taking full advantage of my lunch hour in the beautiful weather, but I was surprised to see Riley. 

“I saw you sitting here, and suddenly I remembered that you like coffee,” he said. “Right now I’m hoping you like it with lots of milk, ice and sweetener.”

“If I don’t?” I asked and put the book down.

“Then I’m perfectly happy to drink the most girly version of coffee I’ve ever purchased.”

I laughed and reached for the macchiato as he sat down. I hadn’t seen him in a while and it turned out he had been in Iowa over the summer. He talked a bit about the farm and I did my best to smile and nod at the right places. Apparently there was a big difference between a cow and a cow, and sometimes hilarious mistakes ensued. I didn’t get it, but smiled politely as Riley chuckled at his own story. The only time I had even seen cows was through the window of a tour bus, and they all looked the same to me. 

“Enough about me,” he finally said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, fine,” I said and leaned back. I had seen Riley’s eyes drift to my belly more than once. “I transferred to Sunnydale University, so I’ll guess we’ll see a bit more of each other. And the baby’s due in October so I’ve been spending some time preparing the nursery. My friends threw me a baby shower.”

“That’s nice,” Riley said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m glad you and your boyfriend made up. When’s the wedding?”

“The wedding?” 

Riley blushed. 

“Aren’t you… I thought… I assumed that the two of you would get married now that you’re pregnant.”

He sat up a bit straighter as he spoke, but he didn’t look at me. 

“We’re not.” I said. 

“Oh.” Riley was quiet for a while. “I want you to know that I’ll still be your friend. I’ll be here if you need anything.” He still didn’t look at me.

I stared at him. Was he serious?

“That’s good to know,” I said, absolutely not meaning a single word of it. “I have to get back to work.”

Riley immediately stood up and reached out a hand to help me up. I let him, and waited while he shook the grass of my blanket. He still couldn’t look at me as he folded it up and handed it to me. With a last nod, I walked away.

\- - -

The bell went crazy as I pushed the door to the Magic Box open and I gave it an evil stare as I marched inside. 

“Why do some people think they have the right to decide over other people’s lives?”

Anya looked up from the magazine she was reading.

“Usually because they think they’re somehow smarter, or because they want other people to think they are. Sometimes…” She paused as she noticed me staring. “Oh, rhetorical question. Who wants to control your life? That is the correct response, right?” 

“Riley! It’s not like I have to get married just because I’m pregnant, right? We don’t live in the fifties anymore.” 

“Of course not, and why would you get married to Riley anyway?”

I stared at her, but then I laughed, my bad mood evaporating. I explained what had happened, and she shrugged. 

“His opinion doesn’t matter anyway,” she said. 

“True,” I said. “What are you doing after work?”

Business had picked up a bit, since Giles had had the bright idea of advertising to entice tourists to the store, but we still didn’t really need to be two people in the store during the evenings. It was Anya’s turn to leave early. 

“Xander installed a new AC yesterday, so I’ll head home,” she said with a happy sigh. “It’s wonderful.”

“I’m jealous,” I said and eyed the small fan we had behind the counter. It was on at full speed, but it didn’t really help. It was devastatingly hot. 

When I had first started working at the Magic Box, I had been so scared of being left alone, always expecting a difficult customer to show up at any minute. I used to think that working in retail would be the worst thing that could happen, but as it turned out I had been pretty good at it. After dealing with all kinds of customers, sometimes feeling like a day would never end, I actually liked working in the store by myself. I would miss it when I went back to college, I realized. Not just helping the customers, but also the smell of the place, and the strange jars with even stranger things inside. Maybe Giles would need help some weekends. I decided to ask him that Sunday, during the family dinner. 

At five, Anya reached for her magazine and got ready to leave. I gave her a small wave before turning around as the sound of the bell above the door announced another customer. Then I forgot to breathe.

Spike was standing just inside the door. He had black jeans on, and his usual boots, but not the leather duster. The grey print on his t-shirt was fashionable worn, but it was still just a black t-shirt. He smiled when he saw me and tucked his hands in his pockets. 

“Hi.”

His voice sounded the same. I didn’t recognize my own as I answered him. It was probably not polite to stare, I thought, but I couldn’t look away. Come to think of it, neither did he. His eyes flickered down to my stomach before going back up to meet my eyes. 

“You look beautiful,” he finally said, breaking the silence. I looked down before something stupid slipped out of my mouth, before I could say that he looked beautiful as well. Because he did. 

“When did you get back?” I asked instead. A safe enough question, even if my voice still sounded strange in my own ears. 

Spike shrugged and took his hands from his pockets, looking down at his wrist before remembering he wasn’t wearing a watch. 

“About fifteen minutes ago. Left my bag at Oz’s place and came straight here.”

He put his hands back in his pocket, pushing his shoulders up in the process. When he looked up again, I recognized the look in his eyes. It was the same expression he had worn the last time I saw him, in that alley behind the Bronze. He was nervous.   
His eyes flickered between my eyes and my belly as we once again just stood there, just watching each other. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to… take a walk or something?” Spike asked. “And talk.” 

“We do need to talk,” I agreed. “And I would, but I’m closing the shop today.” 

“No, you’re not.” I hadn’t even noticed that Anya was still there, until she walked back to the register and threw her magazine down under the counter. “I am. Now go. Hi, Spike.” 

“Anya.” He nodded at her.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hug her or hit her. Probably both. In the end, I decided to just take the opportunity and leave. The bell jingled as Spike and I left through the front door. Talking would be good.


	33. Chapter 33

I glanced at Spike as we walked across the small bridge that crossed the stream in the park. He was staring straight ahead, hands in his pockets. We had gotten to the park without even saying a single word to each other. I didn’t even know how to start, or _if_ I should start. Maybe I should let him begin. 

There were people everywhere. No matter which one of us decided to talk first, I didn’t really want an audience for our discussion. I led us to a small gravel path that led us to the more secluded hill in the west corner of the park. We hadn’t seen anyone for a while when we reached a bench by the side of the path. I slowed down. 

“Do you want to sit?” I asked. “We could keep walking if you want to, but, well, there’s this bench here and…” 

“This is good,” Spike interrupted my rambling. “Let’s sit.” 

He sat down. His hands were twitching, and when he pressed the palms against his thighs, it was as if the twitch travelled through his body, resulting in a tremble in his right leg, as if he was sitting behind his drums and beating out a really fast beat. I sat down next to him, almost as far away from him as I could get. Not that it was very far away, considering the size of the bench. He didn’t look up, but dug up his cigarettes from this pocket and lit one. I watched him from the corner of my eye.

“I think ‘we need to talk’ is one of the scariest phrases in the entire language,” he said after blowing out a thin plume of smoke. The smile that tugged on my face was entirely involuntary. 

“Probably”, I agreed. He met my eyes and responded to my smile with a brief one of his own before he looked away again. I took a deep breath, thankful that the wind blew the smoke away from me. “I got your letters.” 

All of his twitching stopped. It was a bit unnerving to suddenly have him that still next to me. 

“Wasn’t sure you were going to read them,” he mumbled. I wasn’t entirely sure he wanted me to hear him. 

“I did. I’m glad you sent them. I feel like… Like maybe I know you a bit better.” 

“You know me better than anyone.” 

This time, he didn’t have any trouble meeting my eyes. His blue eyes were nothing but sincere. 

“Maybe that’s true,” I said. “At least I used to think it was. That I knew you, and you knew me.” 

“I do know you, Buffy.”

I was the one that looked away. 

“Yes,” I agreed as I watched a couple of birds fly from some trees down the hill. “Maybe you do.” 

I briefly wondered what kind of birds they were. It was easier focusing on things like that than on the man sitting next to me. The wind ruffled the leaves, and if I listened very carefully I could hear the cars passing by on the road just outside the park. When I turned back to Spike, he was staring at the ground again, doing his best to finish his cigarette in record time. He put it out and I almost expected him to reach for a new one. He didn’t. 

“We do know each other,” I finally said. “Or at least we think we do. And maybe that’s why it would be so easy to just go back to what we had.”

I was thinking about that short time after Christmas, when we hadn’t been able to keep our hands of each other. Spike looked up at me before he moved his left hand closer to me, finding my own right hand. 

“Would that be a bad thing?” he asked. “To have that again?”

I watched our hands as he weaved his fingers through mine. 

“Maybe not.” Slowly I pulled my hand free. “But I don’t think it’s an entirely good thing either.” 

Spike wiped the palms of his hands on his jeans. 

“I knew things were going too well,” he muttered under his breath. I shook my head. 

“No, that’s not…” I held on to the bench so hard that my hands hurt. I didn’t look at him, just stared straight ahead. If I looked at him, I would probably change my mind. I couldn’t afford to change my mind. I had to do this. “Spike, listen to me. I’ve changed. This last year has been difficult. Different. I don’t think I’m the same person that came home from college last December. And you have changed as well. A lot.” 

When I dared to glance at him, he was scraping the black nail polish off his nails. 

“We’re not the same people anymore,” I continued. “It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to pretend that we are. And if we’re not the same… how can we go back?” 

“But I still love you.”

The pain in his voice was so raw that it made my breath hitch. My heart made a double beat, hitting my ribcage so hard it made me shiver. He was watching me again. I had to say it. I _wanted_ to say it.

“I love you too.”

Spike’s expression changed. The wrinkle between his eyes disappeared and the storm in his eyes disappeared, as if the sun had risen and all clouds on the sky had gone away.

“You do?”

His voice was so soft. Would it be so wrong to pretend everything was okay? To go back? 

“Yes, I do. But thing aren’t that simple, Spike.” 

The clouds were back in his eyes as he sat up straight again.

“It’s not.” 

It wasn’t a question. I whished I wasn’t the one to make his voice sound so dead. 

“We have a lot to figure out,” I said. “So many things. About us. And about… About Dru.” 

He looked away and clasped his hands together, catching them between his thighs. Hesitantly, I told him about what had happened with Drusilla that summer. Gradually, he turned back towards me. When I finished, he nodded. 

“Darla called me,” he confessed. “I knew things were bad. I didn’t know you were involved in it, though.” 

“I kind of wish I hadn’t been,” I said.

“I’ve whished the same thing many times, for you and me both. Things can get really bad with Dru. Especially before, when they didn’t have her medications right. The doctors tried everything.” 

I thought back to the medicine cabinet in Dru’s bathroom. I completely believed him. 

“I heard she was doing better again,” I said. Angel kept up to date with what was going on, but that was all he had told me. I didn’t know any details, and I didn’t want to know them either.

“I heard the same thing,” Spike said. 

I wondered how he had heard. Through Darla, or through Dru? I didn’t ask. 

“What are you going to do?” I asked instead. “About the…”

“I don’t know,” he interrupted with a sigh. “The first step is to find out if that baby is mine or not.” 

As if to remind me that there was more than one baby involved in this, my stomach tensed up. As soon as I touched it, Spike’s head flew up.

“Is she… he… kicking?”

“No, not right now. Just getting more comfortable, I guess.” 

Spike kept staring, but then he made a small shake of his head and looked away.

“If I am the father of Dru’s child… I might try to get custody. I’m not sure Dru is going to be a great mother.” 

“And if you’re not?” I asked.

“Maybe I’ll just try to get custody anyway,” he said with what could almost pass for a laugh, except that it lacked any trace of happiness. I felt cold.

“Really?”

“No, not really,” he said and dragged a hand over his face. “Right now, I’m hoping that her kid isn’t mine and that I never have to see her again. I want that entire part of my life to be over.” 

If Dru’s child was his, it never would be over. Just as we would never be over. Wasn’t that what I had wanted? I looked at him again, really looked at him. There were shadows beneath his eyes. He looked so tired. He was leaning forward with his arms on his legs. When I spoke again, he sat up and turned his head to look at me.

“I think we need to know all the facts before we make any big decisions,” I said. 

“So we, what? Just wait?” he asked. “Don’t talk to each other? Pretend I’m not back?”

“No,” I interrupted. “I can’t… I can’t do that. But maybe we could try to get to know each other again?” 

Slowly, Spike moved his hand closer to mine again. This time, I let him.

“I’d like that.” 

Everything else disappeared as he held my hand.

\- - -

The engine sputtered and then quieted down as Spike stopped the car outside my house. Considering he had been gone for so long, the car was surprisingly messy and I pushed away some crumbled up papers from the floor as I got ready to get out.

“Thanks for the ride,” I said. 

“You’re welcome.” He cleared his throat as I put my hand on the door handle. “Buffy?”

“Yes?”

He had turned towards me, one arm on the steering wheel, the other on his leg. Those blue eyes of his locked on me.

“It’s just…” He hesitated. “Can I…” 

He reached out his hand, the one he had had on his leg. His eyes left mine as they went down to my belly. Oh. Without really thinking about it, I scooted closer to him on the seat. I took his hand and guided it to my stomach. 

“She’s kind of quiet right now, but if you wait a bit…” 

“She?” he asked. 

“Or he,” I corrected myself. “I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.” 

Spike’s hand was cold under mine as he rested it against my belly. I could feel a slight tremble in his fingers as he moved his other hand as well, putting it on the other side of my big belly.

“I thought about you,” he said after a while. “About this.” 

He looked up for just a moment, but it was enough to make my heart skip a beat. I had managed to forget how I felt when he was near. I had forgotten the buzzing in my stomach that had nothing to do with my pregnancy, but everything to do with him. I had forgotten how right it always felt to be so close to him that I could feel his breath in every breath of my own. 

Maybe it was my racing heart that finally made the baby move. Spike almost jumped.

“There!” he said, sitting up straight again, his hands moving to the place where the baby had kicked. I followed with my own hand, pressing down a little bit harder than the soft touch Spike had. 

As we sat there, Spike relaxed again. He leaned forward, our foreheads touching as his hands rested against my belly.

“Our baby.” 

Spike’s words were nothing more than a soft whisper. I nodded, the movement making him nod as well. 

I lost track of time. Finally, I sat back up again, pretending not to notice how he quickly let his hands run over his face before he looked at me again. 

“I had a long day,” I said quietly. He nodded, and I reached for the door and opened it. I wasn’t sure what to say as I stepped out of the car. I could still feel the ghost of his touch.

“Buffy?” Once again, he stopped me. I turned around. He was leaning across the passenger seat, looking at me through the open window. “Can I see you tomorrow? Maybe stop by the store?”

“It’s Tuesday,” I said. “Of course you can.” 

I finally smiled. I loved the way the insecure look disappeared from his eyes as he met my smile with one of his own. He started to sit back up, but this time I stopped him.

“Spike?” 

“Yes?” He leaned across the seat again.

“Welcome home.” 

We could do this, I told myself as I walked back to my front door. We could get to know each other again, be friends again. At least to begin with.   
 


	34. Chapter 34

Spike’s return to Sunnydale, and my life, was surprisingly easy. It was if there had been an empty hole next to me and it was just natural that he now filled it. As we spent more and more time together, not even Angel made any snide remarks. 

That probably should have been a clue. 

The band had been home for almost two weeks before Devon had announced that he was bored at waiting for someone else to throw _The Dingoes_ a Welcome-Back-party and taken it upon himself to make sure that it happened. Spike groaned a bit about it when he dropped by the Magic Box on his way home from rehearsal with the band. 

“It’s a good thing fame and success hasn’t gotten to his head,” he said and took one of the donuts Xander had brought to our usual Tuesday afternoon ‘meeting’. 

“Oh, it hasn’t,” Xander answered. “Devon’s been the same since middle school.” 

“That makes perfect sense,” Spike admitted. “Well, I hope that you’re all coming. Next Saturday. Devon’s rented some old warehouse down by the docks, and according to him, it’s going to be the party of the century.” 

“Do you think Devon’s going to wait for you guys to win a Grammy, or is he just going to buy one?” Xander asked. Spike smiled a little. 

“Sounds like fun,” Willow said. “We’ll be there.” 

“Buffy?” Spike turned to me.

“Of course I’ll be there,” I said. 

Before leaving, Spike gave me a quick hug. Tara raised her eyebrows, but she didn’t say anything until the bell above the door was silent again. 

“Are you back together for real now?”

“No,” I said and tried to look as if I was busy arranging all the crystals by color. “We’re friends. Good friends.” 

And we were. That was the good part.

“I don’t care what anyone says,” Anya said from her place behind the counter. “I think the two of you make a cute couple. For one thing, the sexual energy between the two of you almost makes the air sparkle.” 

If it hadn’t been for Xander’s reaction, I probably hadn’t thought twice about her comment, but the way Xander suddenly sat up straighter and said her name, as if it was a warning, made me look up. Xander wasn’t the only one who had reacted. Both Willow and Tara looked as if they were holding their breaths. I quickly replayed Anya’s words in my mind. It couldn’t have been the sexual energy part of what she had said, because that was pretty much par for the course. 

“What anyone else says?” I asked. “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, no, you know me,” she said lightly, her eyes darting to Xander. “I say things I don’t think about all the time.”

“Anya?”

She sighed. 

“Oh, fine. I don’t understand what it matters anyway. What goes on between you and Spike has nothing to do with anyone else, besides maybe the baby. But some people are saying that maybe he should have stayed away. I don’t agree. Besides, he’s so much nicer now than before. I like him.” 

“ _Some people?_ ” I asked. 

“I-i-it’s not like that,” Tara said and stood up. “We don’t dislike Spike. We just…”

“Oh, we do dislike him,” Xander interrupted. “He’s a jerk.” 

“No, Xander! We’re just worried about you, Buffy. He might say that he has changed, but we just don’t know…”

“You don’t believe him,” I said. I was surprised my voice sounded so calm. 

“No,” Xander said with determination. 

“Let me see if I understand this,” I said. “None of you like him, none of you trust him — and still, when he was here _not five minutes ago_ , you were all acting like everything was fine.” 

They exchanged glances with each other, as if this was all part of some big secret. 

“We had a talk a couple of weeks ago,” Willow started, “and we all decided that…” 

“You had a talk?” I interrupted. “As in, you talked to Spike?”

“It wasn’t just us,” Xander said, as if it was something that would make this better. “It was your brother, and Giles, and…”

“You’re not helping. Tara, what did you guys say to Spike?”

“Just t-that we’re not sure we trust him yet. That everyone’s keeping an eye on him.” 

At least she had the decency to look ashamed. In front of me, all of my friends had acted like it was a good thing that Spike was trying to change, that he was back, that he was trying to be by my side, but as soon as my back was turned they had basically told Spike that he’d better not screw up, or they would have his head on a platter. Some friends. 

“Buffy…” Tara started, but I stopped her 

“I can’t talk to you right now. Not _any_ of you,” I clarified when Anya opened her mouth. “I’m leaving.” 

I marched over to the door and threw it open. Above the door, the bell went crazy before it suddenly crashed to the floor. I didn’t bother stopping. At least something good would come out of this argument, if it meant the end of that horrible noise.

\- - -

It was Oz who opened when I knocked at the door. If he was surprised to see me, he didn’t show it, instead only stepping aside to let me in. 

“I assume you’re here to see Spike.” 

“Yes. Not that it’s not great to see you too,” I hurried to add. “How’ve you been?” 

“Pretty good. Spike’s room is down the hallway, second door to the right.” 

I thanked him and followed his directions. I could hear the sound of Spike’s guitar, but when I knocked on the closed door it stopped as he called out for me to come in. Spike was sitting on his bed, his guitar on his lap and an open notebook in front of him. His face lit up when he saw me. 

“Buffy! To what do I owe the pleasure?” He got up from the bed and put down the guitar next to him, quickly pushing a pile of book and clothes from the only chair in the room. “Here, sit down.” 

I did, and he sat back down on he bed, pulling his bare feet up under him. 

“So this is where you live?” I said and looked around the small room. He laughed a little and looked around as well, as if seeing it for the first time. There was only room for his bed and the chair I was sitting on. Under the small window he had an open suitcase, clothes spilling out of it. 

“A luxury suite it is not,” he said and his fingers beat out a rhythm on his legs, “but it’s home. For now.” 

Posters and pictures covered the wall behind the bed, a recent _Dingoes Ate My Baby_ poster almost entirely overlapping an old _The Clash_ one. 

“I heard everyone’s giving you a hard time,” I said, still looking at the posters.

From the corner of my eye, I saw his smile disappear as he reached for his guitar. 

“Nothing more than I deserve, luv,” he said slowly and looked down at the guitar while he plucked at the strings. “What did you hear?” 

It was easier to look at him when he wasn’t looking at me.

“That they’re waiting for you to fuck everything up so they can lean back and say _‘I told you so’_ and kick you out of their lives.” 

He shrugged. 

“It’s nothing more than can be expected. I can’t really expect everyone to welcome me back with open arms and just trust my word that I’ve changed, can I?”

“Why not? Why can’t they do that? Why can’t they just say _‘great, you’re determined, we’re here to help you if you need it’_ , instead of _‘yeah, right, looking forward to watching you crash and burn?’_ ” 

He put the guitar down again, quickly, the sound his fingers made as they slid over all the strings making me wince. He closed the distance between us, kneeling in front of me as he put his hands on my arms, rubbing them. 

“Don’t get upset. It’s just human nature, yeah? And well, they’ve seen me before. They know what I’m capable of when it comes to fucking everything up. I’m pretty damn good at it. It’s going to take some time for them to get used to the idea of me as one of the good guys.” 

Then why hadn’t it taken me more time? Wasn’t I the one who had a reason to be weary of his promises? 

“They’re just worried about you,” he continued, mirroring Tara’s earlier words. “They care about you.” 

If all my friends, Spike’s parents, my brother (who also happened to be Spike’s best friend), if all of them were on my side, if all of them cared so much about me; then who cared about Spike? Who was on his side?

“They had no right to talk to you behind my back,” I said. “Whatever happens, it’s not about them. It’s about you and me. There’s only one person who has the right to make a decision about trusting you or not, and that’s _me_.”

Spike started to say something, to make more excuses for my friends, but I stopped him. 

“No, just listen. I trust you, Spike. I believe in you. I’m here, and if you need help, I’m here to listen and to help you and to be by your side.”

He had me on his side. Me. After all, that was all it would take, wasn’t it? 

Spike stared at me. For a minute, I swear he forgot to breathe. He still had his hands on my arms, but he had stopped rubbing them, instead slowly moving his hands down, finally resting them on my knees. The distance between us grew shorter, but just as I was sure he was going to kiss me, he inhaled deeply and got back up. 

As good as it had felt to have him so close to me, it was still a relief when he drew back. 

“Thank you,” he said. Then he smiled — did he wipe his eyes? — and reached for the guitar again. He cleared his throat as he sat back down on his bed. “I was working on a new song. Do you want to hear it?”

I really wanted to.

\- - - 

The next day I made sure everyone knew this wasn’t the way it was going to work. They couldn’t be on my side, but not on his. It wasn’t about sides anymore, not about him or me. It was about us. Spike, me, and our baby. 

 


	35. Chapter 35

_September_

“I’ve barely been back a week, and I already feel like a freak,” I complained to Anya.

The first time I started college, I had been exited and happy. Walking across the huge campus with Cordelia by my side had felt great. That time, we were the ones calling the shots for once. No one else hade decided to send us across the country — we had made that decision all by ourselves. I had felt so grown up. 

Sunnydale University was different. When I walked into classrooms, everything suddenly turned quiet, if only for a second. It felt as if everyone was always staring. 

“Well, you kind of are a freak,” Anya said, barely looking up from sorting the newly arrived jewelry. “In college terms, anyway.” 

“Gee, thanks, It’s nice to know I can always count on your support,” I said. This time, she looked up and smiled. She even put the necklace she was holding down and leaned her elbows on the counter, so I knew I had her full attention. 

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” she said. “Most college girls spend their time partying and caring about clothes and cute boys, right?” Anya interpreted the small sound I made as a yes and went on. “You’re different. You don’t live on campus, you’re pregnant, and you have a boyfriend who is famous.”

“Except he isn’t my boyfriend,” I said. “And what does it matter, anyway?”

“It doesn’t,” Anya said and went back to her work. “Not in the real world. Probably not in college-world either, if you give it a month or two. But right now, that is what sets you apart from the rest of your college friends, what makes you special. Or a freak, if you prefer.” 

“I don’t,” I muttered, but I actually felt a bit better. Anya could be harsh, but she was always honest, which was the reason I had stopped by the Magic Box after my classes in the first place. Since the argument about Spike, I felt closer to her than I had before. “Everything’s just really different. I used to really like going to college, but now I’m not so sure.”

“Of course you are,” Anya answered. “It’s just rough because you’re going to have a baby soon and that is going to change everything.”

A customer came into the store and Anya immediately gave him her full attention. I watched as she helped him place a special order and then wished him a nice day in a way that clearly showed he was no longer welcome, but very welcome back, with his money, when the order was in. He took the hint and left. 

“You’re really smart,” I said as she went back to organizing the jewelry. 

“I know,” she answered absentmindedly while she put the bracelets in the display case. I smiled, even though she didn’t see it. I pushed myself up from the chair. 

“Thank you for the talk,” I said. “I’ll better hit the library, like the good college student I apparently am.”

“You’re still helping me on Saturday, right?”

“As a part of being a good student, I’m also an excellent worker,” I said. Giles had agreed to let me work some hours during the semester. “I’ll see you then.” 

The library was not my favorite part of the world, but, as Anya said, I was going to have a baby soon, and that would change things. I was trying to get as much as possible of the required reading done before the baby came, because I wasn’t sure how much time I would have once I became a mom. I found a table by the window and got as comfortable as I could on the hard chair. I had bought a nice notebook, and, on Willow’s advice, different colored pencils. Apparently, that would help me remember things better. I wasn’t sure I believed that, but at least it would make my notes look pretty. As a final sign of my seriousness in studying, I turned my cell phone off before disappearing into the not-so-wonderful world of textbooks.

\- - -

The touch at my shoulder was soft, but it still made me jump. I looked up from my notebook to find Spike standing next to me. 

“Did I scare you?” 

“No, I was just surprised. What are you doing here?”

He grabbed the chair next to me and dragged it out, the sound echoing through the silent library as he turned it around and sat down with his hands resting on the back of the chair. A girl sitting by the next table looked up in annoyance. 

“Figured you’d be here. Tried texting you, but you never bother to reply.”

“I turned my phone off, because I’m in a library. One of those places that are supposed to be _quiet_ , remember?” I whispered. 

“Sorry,” he whispered back in a way that wasn’t quiet at all. He moved the chair a bit closer, and the girl at the next table picked up her things and stomped away to the next room. 

“See, you’re disturbing,” I said and poked him in the ribs with the purple pencil I had used for my notes. He took the pencil from me and put it back on the table. 

“No need for violence. I’m not disturbing, I’m keeping you company. How’s the studying going?”

“Pretty good,” I said and sat up a bit straighter, pushing my shoulders back a bit. 

“Does your back hurt?”

“A little bit,” I admitted. “These chairs are not the most comfortable in the world.” 

I hadn’t even finished speaking before he had his hands on my back, the right one pulling my shoulders back and the left one at the small of my back, carefully pushing forward. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it. Finally, I shrugged my shoulders and opened my eyes again. He leaned back a bit and moved his left hand up, leaving it resting at my neck.

“Thanks, that felt nice,” I said as he stopped. 

“Do you have a lot of studying left?”

I eyed the book and sighed. 

“I should at least finish this chapter before I leave.” 

Spike nodded, but didn’t take his hands away.

“Read the chapter,” he said in a firm voice. “I’ll sit here and make sure you’re not trying to skip the boring parts.” 

“That would be all of it,” I said with a smile, and Spike rewarded me with a smile of his own. He slowly pushed his fingers against my spine, letting them wander down to my lower back, and then back up again. 

“I’ll never get anything done if you keep that up,” I complained and leaned my head forward as his hands reached my neck again. With a final soft squeeze, he let go.

“Keeping my hands to myself,” he said, holding them up in a gesture of surrender before folding his arms and resting them on the back of the chair again. 

“So what, you’re just going to sit there and watch me study?” 

“Pretty much. Now, read.” 

I rolled my eyes at him and returned to my book. Reading didn’t go quite as smoothly with him sitting next to me, watching me the entire time. When my hair fell forward, he immediately pushed it back behind my ear. Instead of putting his hand back where it belonged, he moved it from my ear to my neck, once again finding the top of my spine. I did my best to continue making notes, this time with the green pencil, but I wasn’t sure they were going to make much sense. I didn’t really mind.

\- - -

While my classmates at UC Sunnydale were busy getting to know each other again after the summer holidays, I was trying to keep myself busy with studying. Since Spike had made a habit of showing up at the library, I tried to trick myself into a more serious study session by staying at home that Saturday. With Angel out of the house for the day, I had traded my colorful notes for my laptop and sat up camp at our dining room table. At four, I had books all over the place and an empty ice-cream bowl next to me. I was just thinking about getting it refilled when I heard the key turn in the front door. Angel had his cellphone in his hand, the headset snaking its way up to his ear. Without seeing me, he closed the door behind him and walked into the living room. His low laugh was happy. 

"Yeah, I like the sound of that," Angel said into the headset as he disappeared from my view. "So you're not missing Sunnydale at all?"

I leaned over the dining room table, my studies temporarily forgotten as I tried to catch another glimpse of him. Who was he talking to? I couldn't see him, but by the sound of it he had just sat down on the couch, and I could still hear him talking. 

"Is that so? Well, a certain someone in Sunnydale might miss you too." He laughed again at what the other person was saying. "I might be able to stop by in October, if things go according to plan. Have you given any more thought to Thanksgiving?"

I leaned back in my chair and smiled. As far as I knew, there was only one person Angel had talked about Thanksgiving with. Cordelia. I stopped trying to eavesdrop and went back to studying. Not that I could avoid hearing my brother's side of the conversation. When he finished it I could hear him get up from the couch and walk back to the hallway. Before he could walk up the stairs, I took a deep breath and called out. 

"How's Cordy?"

I looked up as Angel walked back down the three steps he had the time to climb and stepped inside the dining room. 

"So you're home?"

"Yup," I answered and closed the lid on my laptop. "Is everything okay in Boston?"

I watched his face. Sometimes, my brother is just too easy to read. I could see the emotions playing over his face. Lie, or tell the truth?

"She's fine," he said finally, "as you should know, since you talked to her only yesterday."

The smile on my face was so big I could feel it in my cheeks. 

"And the reason you're calling her to tell her that you miss her would be...?"

Angel leaned against the doorframe and smiled back at me. 

"For the record, she called me," he said. "This time. Besides, do I even need a reason to tell the woman that I love that I miss her?"

Angel still had the possibility to surprise me. I tried to resist the temptation to squeal and throw myself at him, but it was impossible. He laughed happily as I hugged him. 

"I knew the two of you had something going on!" I said. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why didn't _Cordelia_ tell me? I'm so going to kill her the next time I talk to her!"

"There's really not that much to tell," he said as we sat down at the table. "I really like her, and she likes me, but a long distance relationship isn't so easy. We're trying to figure it out ourselves before we spread it all around."

I thought about that last night Cordy had spent with us. We had talked about this, a little bit. Her biggest reason for not wanting to start something with Angel had been what was going on with her dad. 

"Angel, can I ask you something?” I asked, suddenly serious. “What happened to that envelope Cordy gave you when she turned up here that day?"

"I got rid off it "

"You what?"

"I set in on fire. Never even opened it. Honestly, Buffy, I just couldn't do that to her. Sure, I pretty much want Charlie Chase to rot in jail, but not because of something she gave me. Down the road, chances are she would've regretted it. He's her dad. She should be by his side."

"That's... Pretty great of you," I said. "What did the others say? Darla and..."

"I didn't put it up for discussion," he admitted. "If you want to tell Spike, you can, but I haven't talked to anyone about it. I figured it was my decision to make."

I nodded. I agreed with him. 

"Besides, it's just money," he said in a light tone and stood up. "Is it okay if I hit the shower, or is this interrogation going to continue?"

"Don't think you're getting away that easy, mister!" I called after him as he walked up the stairs. I could hear his laugh even when he had closed the bathroom door behind him.

\- - -

With Angel in a better mood, I finally felt like I could risk having Spike over to our house. I made some pasta and even if the food wasn’t that great, at least Spike and Angel got along. As Angel made a remark about Spike’s new band, and Spike threw back something about Angel’s hair being more boy band than rock and roll anyway, I leaned back with a smile on my face. Things were going to be all right, I just knew it. 

Angel went out to buy some dessert for us after dinner, leaving Spike and me alone in the house. He helped me with the dishes before we both crashed down on the couch, where Spike took control over the remote and I put my feet up in his lap. 

“Poor Buffy, slaving away in the kitchen,” he said as he changed the channels on the TV again. “Are you feet killing you?”

“Yes,” I said with a sigh. “My poor, poor feet.” I was just being silly, and he knew it. I was rewarded with another one of his smiles. 

Spike rubbed my feet and leaned back in the couch as he found a movie worth watching. The baby moved and I put my hand on my stomach as I stole another glance at Spike. He chuckled a little at something that happened in the movie, and I realized that it was a long time since I had seen him looked so relaxed. He was usually never still for more than five minutes. 

A low buzz, followed by the opening notes of ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ by the Clash interrupted the movie. I pulled my feet back as Spike stretched out his legs and got the phone from his pocket. He barely glanced at the screen, instead answering before the intro of the song was over. 

The conversation was short. Besides _“hey,”_ and _“okay, yeah,”_ the only thing Spike said was _“talk to you later.”_ As soon as he had hung up he threw the phone down on the coffee table. His left leg shook as he wiped the palms of his hands on his jeans.

“What’s the matter?” I asked. 

He sighed and looked at me. 

“That was Darla. Dru’s having the baby.” 

 


	36. Chapter 36

Spike stood up and walked over to the stairs where his duster was thrown over the railing. He fished his cigarettes out from a pocket and without another word he walked to the kitchen and out the back door. I stared after him. Dru was having her baby, right this minute. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. Should I walk after him? If I wanted a relationship with him, I should be able to talk to him even about the difficult things, shouldn’t I?

He was sitting on the top step on the porch, a lit cigarette in his hand. When I sat down next to him, he waved his other hand around to make sure I wasn’t sitting in the middle of the smoke. He took two more drags before putting it out. 

“I thought Dru wasn’t due until the twentieth,” I said. 

“She isn’t,” Spike confirmed. “It’s ten days early.” 

I couldn’t help but to hope that those ten days were important, that they meant that Spike wasn’t the dad. I almost wished I didn’t know that due dates were an estimate, not an absolute truth. Ten days didn’t need to mean anything. 

“Do you want to go to her?” I asked. 

“No.” His response was immediate. “I really don’t.” 

“Don’t you…” I cleared my throat and tried again. “Don’t you want to be there to see your baby being born?” 

He looked at me before looking out over the garden again. He shook his head. 

“If that baby is mine, I don’t want to be filled with anger the first time I see her. And if it isn’t… Then I really have no reason to be there.” 

“So you’re still angry with Dru?” I asked. 

“Of course I am. I’m furious. I know I used to love her, but that is all gone. Not a trace left. She has hurt me, you, all those around us. I can’t look past that.” 

“If that baby is yours…” I started, but he interrupted me.

“Yeah, if that baby is mine, I have to work on that anger. I have to find a way to work with Dru. But until we know, I’m not planning on being even the slightest bit reasonable.” He smiled a little, taking the edge off his words before he continued, a lot less serious. “Besides, I can’t really see myself there, by her side, when I’m going to be there with you in October. Can you imagine what the staff would say?” 

I rolled my eyes at the lame attempt at a joke as he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him.

“So you’re okay?” I asked. 

“Pretty much. I could kill for a whiskey right now, but that will pass.” He sighed. “Darla will let us know when the kid is here. With a bit of luck, we will have the paternity test all taken care off before it’s time for our little platelet to see the world.” 

I sighed and leaned against him. 

“Good.” 

We stayed outside until we heard Angel return.

\- - -

Darla didn’t call until the next day. Spike went to the hospital, but not to see the baby girl, but to get the tests over with. I was helping out at the store when he came back, not looking too happy. I managed to sneak away for a couple of minutes, despite the shop being quite busy. 

“What happened?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said and shrugged. “They stole my DNA, told me to expect a response in two weeks, and kicked me out.” 

“So why all the brooding?”

He almost smiled. 

“I was hoping to use my fame and not-so-big-fortune to get them to process it faster. Didn’t work.” 

“It could be worse,” I said and tried to sound positive. “Two weeks is not that bad. That means we will still know before our baby is born.” At least if I didn’t have him or her early, as Dru had had. 

Anya called out for me to help her behind the register. I gave Spike a quick hug and went back to work. Two weeks. It felt like an eternity.

\- - -

The Espresso Pump was crowded and at first I didn’t see Tara. I ordered my coffee, thinking she was late, but just as I paid for my beverage I spotted her in the corner. She wasn’t alone. I could’ve recognized the bleached platinum hair anywhere. What was Spike doing there? 

I made my way through the crowd. They seemed to be in the middle of a conversation, both leaning in over the table in a way that I wasn’t sure I liked. Not that I was jealous or anything. Tara was gay, and Spike was… I tried to ignore the word “mine” that kept repeating itself in my mind. 

Tara saw me first and gave me a warm smile as she sat up straighter in her chair. Spike twisted in his seat by the wall, the weary expression he was wearing changing as he saw me. He stood up and held the chair out for me. I moved it a bit, making sure there was enough room for me and my big belly, but I didn’t sit down.

“I’m not trying to intrude,” he said to me with a smile. “I’ll see you later, luv. Thanks, Tara,” he finished with a quick wink at my best friend. He was gone before I had the change to say anything. 

“What was that all about?” I asked. Tara shrugged, but I didn’t think she fully accomplished the innocent look, and her nothing special didn’t ring quite true. She smiled again, a smile that made me feel a bit better. 

“It’s a secret,” she said. “Don’t worry. I promise it’s a good one. Don’t tell Spike I said anything, though.” 

At first, things had been a bit tense between us since that day at the Magic Box when I had discovered that they had all talked to Spike between my back, but lately things had been returning to normal. Sure, she was obviously still talking to him behind my back, but the reason seemed to be different. 

“I only have half an hour,” I told Tara after giving her a hug and finally sitting down. “I had forgotten that college was this stressful.” 

“It get’s better,” Tara said with a little smile. “You’ll get used to it again.” 

“Right now I doubt that,” I said, but I smiled back. “How are things with you?”

“Good. We’re settling in at the apartment. Willow says it’s almost time for a party.” 

Tara and Willow had found a small apartment off campus, choosing to live together instead of staying in the dorms. I was looking forward to seeing their new place. We talked a bit about a good day for a party, and a little about how Tara’s classes were going. The half hour flew by. It was good to spend time with her. 

It wasn’t until I was sitting at my next lecture that I once again wondered what they had talked about.

\- - -

“I’m really glad we’re going to work on this together, Buffy” Kathy said as we walked out of the main building. “I would’ve hated to be alone with Jonathan and Andrew.” 

“They don’t seem that bad,” I said, even though I hadn’t spent enough time with any of them to form a real opinion. “I’m sure you’d manage.” 

The class had been divided into groups for a one month long group assignment. Considering my due date was not that far away, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to finish the project on time. Maybe in the end, Kathy would have to work with the other two without me anyway. 

“Well, maybe I’d _manage_ ,” Kathy said, “but it’s so much better to have another girl in the group. Boys can be so clueless, don’t you think?”

I smiled politely just as I noticed Spike. He was leaning against a tree, hands in the pockets of his jeans, watching me. When he saw that I had seen him, he pushed away from the tree and walked towards me. He had a huge smile on his face.

“Oh my god, is that _Spike?_ ” Kathy squealed as he approached us. “Oh, wow, I’m such a huge fan, I’m so glad to meet you!” 

Spike gave me an amused wink as he said hello to my sort-of friend. 

“I’m sorry to cut this meeting short,” he said after a couple of minutes of her trying to tell him all about how much she had loved _Vampire Truth_ and how much she adored and supported _Dingoes ate My Baby_. “I have to talk to Buffy. I’m sure we’ll meet again.” 

It was almost comical, the way she was twisting and turning, as if she didn’t know what to do. Finally, she seemed to remember in which direction she was going to go.

“Of course, of course. It was great meeting you! Buffy, I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”

She gave me a quick hug before she hurried down the road. Spike looked at me and smiled even wider than before. 

“What’s the matter?” I asked. 

“I got a letter today.” 

My heart skipped a beat. As far as I knew, there was only one letter he was expecting. The one with the results of the paternity test. Considering his smile, it looked as if the news had been good. Still, I wasn’t sure.

“And…?” 

“And I’m not the father.” 

I was pretty sure my squeal could’ve competed with Kathy’s as I threw myself in his arms. Spike laughed and spun me around. 

“I’m not the father,” he said again, as if he was trying it out, before putting me back down, his arms still firmly around me.

“You’re not the father,” I repeated. He was not the father of Dru’s child. We would never have to have anything more to do with her. I tried to blink away the tears of relief that forced the overwhelm me. I leaned my forehead against his chest and tried to breathe calmly. I felt him kiss the top of my head. 

“Everything’s going to be so much better now,” he mumbled against my hair. “No more doubts. Hey, don’t cry.”

I wiped the tears away.

“I’m just happy,” I said. “Really happy.”

“Me too. Come on, I have the car with me. I’ll drive you home.” 

He kept his arm around my shoulders as we walked to the parking lot.   
 


	37. Chapter 37

I saw Spike before he saw me. He was leaning against the wall outside the Magic Box, cigarette in hand, right leg propped up against the wall behind him. I stopped by the corner and watched him. 

It’s something strange about watching someone you know so well, without them knowing you’re there. Spike might have looked confident to anybody else watching, but the speed with which he smoked his way through the cigarette and the slight tremble of the leg he was leaning against the building gave him away. I briefly wondered what he was so nervous about. Did he expect me to stand him up? 

He saw me as soon as I started walking towards him again. His face lit up and he threw the cigarette on the ground. 

“You look beautiful,” he said and leaned in to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. I wrinkled my nose and looked down on my outfit. The black dress I was wearing was practically the only thing that still fit me. 

“Thanks for lying,” I said, trying to act as if we had always been the kind of friends who kissed on the cheek. 

“Not lying,” Spike said as we started walking. “You are beautiful.”

I decided to let him get away with it. He took my hand as we walked past the Espresso Pump. 

“Looking forward to the party?” he asked. 

“Yes. I can’t wait to see their apartment. Tara said it’s great.” 

“Yeah, they have really big windows. She likes that kind of thing.” 

I stopped. Spike took another couple of step before he noticed that I was standing still. 

“You’ve seen their place?”

“Helped them move, didn’t I?” he said. “Haven’t seen it since.”

I didn’t know he had helped with the move. Tara hadn’t asked for my help, instead insisting I stayed away. It wasn’t as if I had been able to carry anything anyway, so I had gratefully spent the day studying. I started walking again. 

“At least the party is going to be better than Devon’s disaster,” I said, sort of changing the subject. 

“Definitely,” Spike said with a laugh.

Devon’s version of ‘the party of the century’ had been to rent a warehouse, set up a gigantic sound system, and to count on the guests to bring everything else. I had stayed for half an hour, the music deafeningly loud in the large, empty space, before Spike had saved me by stating that it was time for us to leave. We had found Tara and the rest of the gang still outside, hesitating to go inside. From what we heard, the police had emptied the place at three in the morning, since it turned out that Devon had not so much rented the place as copied the key.

“Is he still talking about it?” 

“With great pride,” Spike said. “Fortunately, he’s also talking about being too great for _the Dingoes_. Oz and I are looking forward to the day he breaks the contract.” 

“Why?”

“Because that’s the day I officially take over as lead singer. Oz and I have already recorded some tracks together. Now we’re just waiting for Devon’s ego to get big enough to explode.”

I smiled. I liked this new-and-improved version of Spike. Sure, he had always been cocky, always had attitude, but now it felt more like confidence. It suited him. 

“That shouldn’t take too long,” I said, squeezing his hand a little. 

We reached the apartment building where Tara and Willow lived, and Spike led the way. He quickly climbed the stairs ahead of me and knocked on the door, not waiting for anyone to answer it before he opened it and stepped inside. 

So maybe he had gotten a little too confident. 

“Sorry to just barge in,” I said sarcastically as I reached the door and followed him inside. 

“Buffy, Spike! It’s so great to see you!” Willow enveloped both of us in a hug. “Welcome! Come inside, I’ll show you the place. Tara! Look who’s here!” 

Tara was calmer, but her happiness was as obvious as Willow’s. They showed us around the two-bedroom apartment, where one of the bedrooms had been made into a studio space for Tara, with her easel and brushes and everything just waiting for her to start painting. The whole place felt warm and welcoming, especially filled as it was with friends of the both of them.

It was pretty much a perfect party. Tara had talked about heading to the Bronze around ten, but in the end most of us ended up staying at the apartment instead. The ones who wanted to leave dropped off in twos and threes, finally leaving only the usual gang. Tara and Willow were sitting on the floor, holding hands, while Anya was happily sitting in Xander’s lap in one end of the couch, and I was leaning up against Spike in the other end. 

“Great party,” Xander said and finished the last of his beer. “I guess it’s our turn to throw the next one, considering I never had a proper moving-in party.” 

“Do we have to?” Anya asked, looking bothered. “I’m not so sure I want lots of people all over my belongings.” 

“We can have a small party.”

“How small? Just the two of us?” She twisted a little to look at her boyfriend. 

“I don’t think that would count as a party, Ahn.” 

“No, but we could have it in the bedroom, and I could wear that costume you like so much.” 

I couldn’t see Spike’s smile, but I felt it as he pulled me closer and buried his face in my hair. 

“And that would be our cue to leave,” Xander said, giving Anya a light push so she got up from his lap, and then standing up with her. “Thank you, guys, it’s been fun. Love the place.” 

“Do you want to leave, too?” Spike asked me, his voice just a whisper in my ear as he kissed the top of my head. I nodded and stretched my legs out in front of me. 

“We should probably help with the clean up a little bit,” I whispered back. The place was littered with empty glasses and half-filled bowls of snacks. Spike got up first before helping me get up from the soft couch. 

“Oh, you’re not leaving too?” Willow asked and looked up from her place on the floor. 

“Soon,” I said and got some of the glasses from the table. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Tara said. “Just leave it. We’ll fix it tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry, we won’t clean the entire place,” Spike said with a smile. “We’ll just take these to the kitchen.” 

I walked to the kitchen and put everything down in the sink. When I turned around, Spike was right behind me and I found myself trapped between him and the counter. He reached behind me to put down the glasses he had been carrying. I took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of him. 

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, his voice low. “We have all the facts now, don’t we?”

At first I didn’t know what he was talking about, but then I remembered. It was me who had said that we needed to have everything straight before we made any decisions about the two of us. I nodded. He moved his hand up, slowly sweeping his thumb over my lower lip. 

“The facts are,” he continued, “that I’m not the father of Dru’s kid. I am, however, the father of this one.” His hand brushed over my belly. “And I’m very much in love with you. And you are…”

He trailed off. I saw the question, the insecurity, in his eyes. 

“And I am,” I said and put my arms around his neck as he pulled me closer, “very much in love with you.” 

If it were possible to save some moments, to take them out later to look at them, to savor them, that moment would’ve been at the top of my list. Spike’s smile started out slow, but then it turned into a huge grin that made his eyes sparkle. He leaned his forehead against mine, holding me impossibly close. My own happiness felt as if it was radiating through my whole body, making my knees a little bit weak, and my heart almost forget how to beat. 

“I like the sound of that,” Spike said. 

“Me too. But, well, maybe… Last time, we kind of just dove into it, you know?” He nodded and I continued. “Maybe this time… we should take it a bit slower?” 

“Slow as in… I can’t hold you like this?” 

He leaned back a little, but when I tightened my grip around his neck he had enough sense to not let go. 

“No, the holding is fine. Good, even.” 

I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to look away. His eyes seemed to change color, to darken. 

“And what if I wanted to… kiss you?” The tip of his tongue flickered over his lower lip before he bit down on his lip.

“Kissing would be… fine as well.” 

The small sound that escaped from him made my knees go even weaker. Excruciatingly slow, he leaned closer as I raised my face towards him. His lips were warm against my own. At first it was just that, our lips meeting, but then that wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I opened my mouth, finding his tongue with my own. 

Kissing Spike was just like I remembered it, but somehow even better. There were no hesitations this time, no insecurity, no secrecy. Just him and me, and knowing that this time, we were completely honest with each other. I got lost in that kiss. I never wanted to stop. 

When we finally did break apart, Spike was panting. He leaned his forehead against mine again.

“So kissing is good,” he said. “What about lifting you up on that bench behind you and having my wicked way with you?” 

The look in his eyes made me want to say that that was perfectly acceptable as well, but his smirk made me laugh. His smirk transformed to that big smile that made his eyes sparkle again. 

“Yeah, that’s probably not going slow, is it?”

“No, not really,” I said with mock seriousness. “Besides, I don’t think Tara and Willow would appreciate it.” 

He snorted and pulled me closer. 

“They’re all alone in the living room. They’d probably never even notice if a hoard of elephants invaded the kitchen.” 

“Did you just compare me to an elephant?”

“No, I didn’t.” He captured my lips in a kiss again. “A hoard, I said.” 

I smiled in the middle of the kiss and hit him lightly on the arm. I had missed this, desperately. Not only being with him, kissing him, but the way he could always make me smile. 

“We should probably leave,” I said when we stopped. “Want to walk me home?”

“Definitely.” 

When we emerged from the kitchen, it was obvious that neither Tara nor Willow had missed us. They were too wrapped up in each other. I almost didn’t want to disturb them, but Spike didn’t have the same qualms. 

“Thank you,” he said unnecessary loud. “We had a great evening. See you!” 

Tara looked up as Willow hid her face in Tara’s long hair. She smiled at me.

“Okay. Are you heading straight home?”

I could’ve sworn she exchanged a look with Spike. 

“Yeah, I think so,” I said and put my jacket on. “I don’t think getting a coffee would be a good idea at this hour.” 

“Probably not,” Spike agreed. 

“Call me later,” Tara called out after us as we walked out the door. I went over to the elevator and pushed the button, but Spike took my hand and dragged me towards the stairs. 

“I want to show you something.” 

“But… elevator?” I said and looked back. 

“Nope, not today. Come on.”

We walked down two flights of stairs before he stopped. He spun around and looked at the four apartment doors with a mischievous look on his face. 

“Hm, which door to pick? I know, let’s take this one!” 

He let go of my hand and stepped up to the door on the left hand side of the stairs. The door swung open immediately. Even if I had lived in Sunnydale full time for almost a year, I could never get used to the fact that people never seemed to lock their doors. 

“Spike, you can’t just walk in to someone’s apartment!” I said as he stepped inside. 

“Sure I can. Come on!”

I hesitantly walked in after him. 

There was no one there, except for Spike. The apartment was similar to the one where Tara lived, but there were some differences. It was sparsely furnished, just a black leather couch and a cheap coffee table in the living room, and I could see a small, white table in the kitchen. 

Spike opened his arms, as if to show off the apartment. It wasn’t until he did that I noticed his guitar leaned against the couch, his duster thrown over one of the kitchen chairs, a stack of CDs on the floor right by the large windows.

“Is this your place?” 

“Welcome to my new home,” he confirmed. 

“But… How did you do this?” I closed the open door behind me before I took a closer look at the place. I laughed. “Spike, this is crazy! Wait a minute — was this the secret you and Tara had?”

“She came over to Oz’s house a while back, to apologize, and found me desperately searching through the ‘for rent’-section in the paper. She knew of an opening in this building, and with a recommendation from her everything worked out. Do you want the grand tour?” 

I nodded and Spike was quick to show me around. The main bedroom wasn’t large, just enough room for the big bed that Spike had, but I liked the cream colored walls and the big window. 

“This is great,” I said as we walked back into the living room. “But why move? I thought you liked it at Oz’s place?”

“I did,” he agreed, “but I wanted more. This is the second bedroom.”

He opened another door, next to the main bedroom, and I stopped on the threshold. This room was even smaller, with a soft green color on the walls. The crib and the changing table weren’t as pretty as the ones I had in the nursery at my house, but it was still a nice nursery. A small plush elephant was sitting in the crib, and I went to pick it up. 

“For our baby,” Spike said in a low voice. “Do you like it?”

I nodded.

“It’s perfect. The room _and_ the elephant.” 

He smiled a little. 

“I want to be a part of our baby’s life, and that’s the reason I wanted a place of my own. Sure, my room at Oz’s house was OK, but you’ve seen it. There’s no place for a baby there. No place for you. Here, there’s plenty of room for you both.” 

I put the elephant back in the crib before I wrapped my arms around Spike. His arms were warm around me. 

“I’m going to kill Tara,” I said when I let go. “How did she manage to keep this a secret?”

Spike laughed. 

“I swore her to secrecy. Oh, wait!” He pulled out a set of keys from the pocket of his jeans. “This is for you.” 

“For me? Why, Spike, are you asking me to move in with you?” I said jokingly as I put the keys on my keychain. He smiled, but then he turned serious. 

“I’m not going to lie, Buffy. I hope that one day we can live here together, the three of us. I’m not saying it’s something that should happen right this second, because you’re right, we should take it slow, but that _is_ my hope for the future.” 

I looked at him. How could I not love this man? I put my arms around his neck, pulling him down so that I could kiss him. 

“That’s what I’m hoping too,” I said when we came up for air. His grip around me became even firmer as he kissed me again. 

Oh, who cared about taking things slow? We had done everything wrong from the start, but things seemed to turn out pretty okay anyway. 

I didn’t go home that night.   
 


	38. Chapter 38

_October_

Spike was waiting for me outside the house. Angel had had to leave town for business in L.A., and Spike had taken it upon himself to make sure I was never alone for long. Not that I was complaining. I gave him a quick kiss as I got into the car. 

“Any changes?” he asked as he backed out of the driveway. 

“You’ve been asking me that every day for the last week. Don’t you think I would tell you if something had changed? And to answer your questions: no, nothing has changed, except that I’m dead tired of being pregnant. The doctor promised me a Wednesday baby, and I _wanted_ a Wednesday baby!” 

“I’m pretty sure the doctors don’t know everything, pet,” he said and tried to hide his smile. 

“They should. This is completely unfair. I’m so big I can barely sleep.”

“It’s only Friday. It’s been two days. And you’re not _that_ big.”

“Yes, I am. You know what, you try to be the one who’s pregnant, and then we’ll see if you think that it’s _only_ two days.” 

Since finding out about my pregnancy, Wednesday the 5th of October had been my great, big goal. The last week leading up to it had been a strange mixture of that feeling that I used to have when I was a kid, right before Christmas, and utter terror. Now, on the 7th, I was just tired of being pregnant. I wanted to meet my baby. That it had been completely impossible to find a good way to sleep the night before didn’t help my temper. 

“What time to you want me to pick you up?” Spike asked as he stopped the car outside of campus. 

“I have a meeting at the library this afternoon, so you’ll probably be at the rehearsal before I get out of it. I’ll get home by myself.” 

“Are you sure?”

I gave him a look that could kill and reached for my bag in the back of the car. 

“I’m pregnant, not _stupid_. I can get from here to the house, you know.”

He laughed, making me smile. 

“Okay. I’ll see you tonight.”

He pulled me in for a hug and last kiss before I got out of the car. I watched him drive away before I walked to my first class.

\- - -

“Buffy, what do you think?” 

I looked up from my notes. 

“I think… we should probably do as you said.”

Jonathan nodded and typed something on his computer. 

“Okay, so we have a plan. Andrew and I will do the interviews on Monday, using the questions Buffy prepared, and we’ll meet up on Tuesday at four. Kathy will put everything together on Wednesday, and then we’ll look at it together, and finish it, next Friday. Okay, let’s take a final look at those questions.” 

I tried to concentrate, I really did, but it was difficult. The ache in my back had gotten worse during the day and I blamed the seriously uncomfortable chairs in the library. I tried to stretch out my back, but it didn’t really help. Suddenly, it felt as if every muscle in my back tensed up. 

“Oh!”

They all stared at me. 

“What’s going on?” Andrew asked. “Are you having your baby?” 

I laughed at the panic in his eyes. 

“No,” I said. “These chairs are just making my muscles spasm up a bit.”

“Are you sure?” Kathy said. “You look like you’re about to pop any second!”

Trust Kathy to manage to make me feel worse. I might complain to my friends that I felt big, but it was different hearing it from someone who I barely counted as an acquaintance. 

“No baby yet,” I said. “But I’d be happy if we can get this done so I don’t have to sit here too long.” 

Maybe that came out a bit sharper than I had intended. Being tired and achy didn’t help my mood. At least it was effective. We made sure the interview questions were as good as they were going to get, and then we packed up. It was just after five, which meant that Spike would be in the middle of rehearsal with the _Dingoes_. A walk home would be just what I needed after sitting on a chair the entire day.

The only problem was that the pressure on my back wouldn’t let up. As I walked from campus towards my house I had to stop several times to try to work out whatever muscle in my back that refused to cooperate. What should have been just a quick walk felt like it was taking forever. When I finally sank down on the couch in the living room I was drenched in sweat. I told myself I was just going to rest for a couple of minutes, and then I would head up the stairs and take shower.

\- - -

I woke up just as Spike pulled a blanket over my shoulders. He smiled sheepishly. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay.” I sat up and wiped the sleep from my eyes. “What time is it?”

“Just after nine. I just stopped by to see if everything was all right, since you weren’t answering your phone.”

“Overprotecting much?” I asked and fought my way up from the couch. Spike caught my hand and helped me up. 

“Always,” he agreed. “Did you have a good day?” 

“Not really. Well, the first part was okay, but then the meeting at the library dragged on forever. Those chairs… Ugh! I think they were invented with the sole purpose of killing my back.” 

“Evil chairs. You might have to slay them. Have you eaten?”

“No, I was just going to rest for a while before I took a shower and made some dinner.” 

“In that case, take that shower now and I’ll fix you something to eat. Go on.”

He gave me a pat on my behind and I raised an eyebrow at him, which only made him laugh. I was too tired to start anything, so I just headed up the stairs. 

A shower and some dinner did make me feel better, and seemed to kick some life into my brain as well. What if that annoying ache wasn’t the library chairs, but the start of my labors? Spike cleared the table and looked at his watch. 

“It’s almost ten thirty. I should get home.”

“No.”

I didn’t even think about it. If I was right, I didn’t want to be alone. 

“No?” he asked. I shook my head. 

“Stay. I think something might be… changing.” 

All color drained from his face. 

“It is? Should we leave? My car is just outside, we can be at the hospital in ten minutes. Do you have everything? Should we….”

My laugh interrupted him. 

“Calm down. I said things _might_ start, not that I’m having the baby right this minute. I’m not even sure, I just thought, that _if_ things were happening, I don’t want to be alone.” 

He took a deep breath. 

“Of course. I’ll stay.” 

When Spike was finally convinced that I wasn’t in the middle of labor, we went up to my bedroom. Once we were in bed together, he wrapped his right arm around me. 

“I won’t be able to sleep,” he said in a low voice. “What if we have a baby tomorrow?”

“And what if we have to wait another week?” I said. “I’d hate to see you a week from now without a single wink of sleep.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll manage.” He kissed my shoulder. “Go to sleep, love. You’re going to need it.” 

“And you don’t?”

“Don’t argue.” He gestured for me to lift my head and slipped his left arm under my head. “Sleep tight. I love you.”

“Love you too.” 

Despite feeling the same way Spike did, that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all, I slowly drifted away.

\- - -

I wasn’t sure what had woken me up. It was still early, the sun barely above the horizon. Spike was asleep next to me. So much for staying awake. I watched him while I tried to figure out what had made me wake up. 

The ache started out low in my back before it rolled over me like a wave, only to disappear again. The birds chirped outside the window as it began again. I leaned my head back so I could see my alarm clock on the bedside table. It was barely five minutes past seven. I listened to the birds as I waited. The first rays of the sun found their way past my curtain. It was not even ten past when the next wave made itself known. 

I wasn’t sure what I had been expecting. Big drama, water splashing, unbearable pain right away, probably. But that wasn’t how it was, not for me. Instead, everything was so slow. A dull ache, a bit of discomfort. I waited a bit longer before I woke Spike up. I almost felt a bit silly. This couldn’t be it, could it? 

But it was. It was time to have our baby.

\- - - 

A small bedside lamp was the only source of light when I woke up in the hospital room. I blinked in the near darkness before I turned my head around. 

Spike was sitting in a chair next to the bed, his legs thrown over one of the armrests as he rested his back against the other one. His boots were on the floor, probably where they had landed when he had kicked them off, his feet dangling in the air. He wasn’t asleep, though. He was looking down into his lap, where he held our tiny baby. 

“Something else I’m going to teach you is to play football,” he whispered. “The real kind, where the ball is round and you kick it with your feet. Some day, you’ll sit next to me at Old Trafford, and we’ll see United win over City. They’re the best team in the world, you see. Your mum won’t get it, she thinks football is where you run around with the ball in your hands, and she’s not even interest in it. Don’t worry, we love her anyway. She’s special, you mum. Oh, look at that, what a big yawn. Are you tired, little boy?” 

I smiled and wiped my tears away. Spike would make an excellent father. He must have seen me move, because he turned around. When he saw that I was awake, he smiled a smile that was so filled with love that I thought my heart was going to burst. 

“Hey there. I thought you were sleeping.”

“I was. Not anymore.”

We were still whispering, as if not to disturb the calm of the room. He moved from the chair, carefully, as if the baby in his arms would break if he made any sudden moves.

“Don’t fall asleep just yet, baby, because your mum is awake,” he whispered as I reached out for our baby, and he put the boy down next to me. I moved in a little, so Spike would have room to lie down as well. It took some maneuvering, but we made sure all three of us fit in the bed together, Spike’s legs entwined with mine. 

“He is the most gorgeous baby in the word,” I said. “Look at his tiny fingers.” 

I smiled as those small fingers grabbed hold of my finger. 

“That’s because you’re his mother. Any baby or yours was bound to be beautiful.” 

“I think he looks more like you.” 

Spike cocked his head to the side and looked down on the baby between us. 

“He has some of me in him,” he agreed. “But it’s mostly you.” 

He chuckled as the baby’s small arms moved, and I could feel the big smile on my face. 

“I’ve been thinking about names,” I said after a while. “I think I know just the one.”

“So what is it?”

“William.” 

I heard Spike’s sharp intake of breath, felt his legs tense up against mine. 

“Do you want to name him after me?”

“Yes. What do you think?”

“William. Billy. I think… I think I love it.” 

His body relaxed. Afterwards, I could never say how long we stayed in that bed, but it didn’t matter. 

“I almost can’t believe it,” I said. “That I have you…” I looked up at Spike before returning to look at Billy, “that I have _him_ …” 

“Never going to leave,” Spike whispered as our baby yawned again. “I’m so grateful, Buffy. You’re the one that me see that I could be more, that I could be better. Thanks to you, I had the opportunity to change everything. I don’t have to settle for the second best thing anymore, love, because all my dreams have come true.” 

Spike moved his hand to my face and wiped away the tears that I hadn’t noticed were falling. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Between us our baby, our Billy, yawned a third time, before finally falling asleep. I couldn’t stop looking at him. Spike was right, in more ways than he could imagine. There would be no more settling for things, no more standing back. I really had everything I could ever have dreamed of.


	39. Epilogue

There were still moments when Spike wanted a drink. When he could almost taste the first sip of beer, or the cold, smoky flavor of a whiskey on the rocks. Some moments he could predict (walking up on stage always made him crave a lager), which made them easy to ignore. Practice makes perfect, and all that rot. The moments that caught him off guard were more difficult. 

With a sigh, he admitted to himself that a drink would be pretty bloody perfect just about now. But he wasn’t going to get one; not this time. Not ever, really, but it was easier to deal with the cravings one by one. Forever was a really long time. 

Really, shouldn’t the terrible twos be over by now? 

“Billy, I’m serious. You can’t wear the football jersey today.” 

“It’s a soccer jersey!”

Great, now his three-year-old was correcting his language. Sure, being a dad had made Spike realize he had a lot more patience than he had ever thought, but now it was running out. They had exactly one hour before they had to be out the door. 

“Come on, Billy. You want to look nice today, don’t you?”

Another round of crying and kicking made Spike wince. Wrong question, he scolded himself. To Billy, the best you could look was in full match day attire. Normally, Spike would agree. Nothing made him prouder than seeing his son in Man U red. But not today. Today, they were running out of time. Spike was still in jeans and t-shirt, and if they would even have a chance of getting out of the apartment in time, at least one of them had to be ready soon. He stood up from the crouching position he had been in for the last fifteen minutes. 

“I’m taking a shower, and when I’m back I want you to be dressed,” Spike said without really believing Billy would listen to him. He left the room before his son had a chance to stop the crying and start another round of protests.

After his shower, Spike cleared the steam away from the mirror with a swipe of his hand. For a moment, he thought about leaving his hair in the natural, unruly curly state that a shower always brought forward. Buffy always liked it best that way, didn’t she? Said he looked cute. He raised an eyebrow at the face in the mirror. Cute? No. Strikingly handsome was more of what he was looking for. He slicked back his hair and graced the mirror with a smirk before he left the bathroom and headed for the bedroom. 

It was the lack of sound that made him pause as he buckled his belt. He cocked his head to the side and listened carefully. No, not a sound. Normally, the small two-bedroom apartment they all lived in was never quiet. A bit worried, he hurried to pull on the white t-shirt he was going to have on under his shirt as he walked to his son’s bedroom.

“Billy?”

His son was sitting on the side of his bed. He didn’t look up when Spike came in to the room, but Spike could still see his red eyes. That, and the sniffle, showed that the fight wasn’t really over yet. Even though Billy had put his black dress trousers on, his feet were bare and he still clutched the red Manchester United jersey. At least the red shorts were folded somewhat neatly on the side of the bed, Spike thought to himself. The white shirt that Buffy had picked out that morning was next to the pair of shorts. Spike grabbed it and sat down next to Billy. 

“Okay, Billy, what’s the matter? Don’t you want to go and see when Mum graduates?”

The yes was so low that it was barely audible. 

“In that case you have to be a big boy and put on your nice shirt.” 

Spike shook the shirt and held it out for his son to put on. He could see Billy’s entire body tense up. With yet another sigh, Spike let his arms rest in his lap. Billy mumbled something again, but the only word Spike could make out was “red”. 

“Red? What about red?”

Billy took a deep breath and tried again.

“I don’t look nice if I’m not wearing red.” 

“What? Of course you do.” 

“No! Every true Manchester United supporter has to wear red!”

“What are you talking about? Who said…” 

Spike shut his mouth and rolled his eyes at his own stupidity. When would he learn to think first and speak later, especially in front of his kid? He looked down at this own white t-shirt, with the small, red Man U-logo on it. And the nice shirt he had waiting for him in the bedroom was indeed red. He really had gone about this all the wrong way, hadn’t he? 

“Let’s see what we have,” he said out loud and got up. “First, a pair of red socks. Look, they even have the logo on them!” 

He tossed them to Billy, who almost managed to catch them. He let go off the jersey to put them on while Spike rummaged through the drawers of the dresser. Sure, he had seen the looks Buffy shot him when she wasn’t happy with the clothes he chose to put on Billy, and sure, he knew the reason Buffy had even gone through the trouble of putting out the right clothes the night before was because she completely distrusted his ability to choose a good outfit, but _hey_ , let’s see her deal with their kid’s strict fashion sense ten minutes before they really, _really_ had to be on their way. Besides, he knew just the thing that would take that scold away from her face and replace it with a sappy smile and wet eyes. 

Spike found the red shirt he knew would be there and helped Billy put it on. He made sure the socks were on the right way before he took his son’s hand in his and together they walked back to the master bedroom where Spike grabbed his own shirt. The finishing touches had to be done in the bathroom, where he hoisted Billy up on the counter next to the sink, making sure all of Buffy’s creams and make-up were out of the way first. It didn’t take much gel to comb back the soft, blond curls. 

“There we go,” Spike said and lifted Billy up again, turning so they could see themselves in the bathroom mirror. 

There had never been any doubt in Spike’s mind that the child Buffy had been expecting was his. Watching his own features mirrored in those of his son, he once again felt that familiar ache in his heart. The little face was still round, but there was no denying that the kid was his. Sure, Spike could see Buffy’s soft features in there as well, and the boy definitely had his mother’s eyes, but the resemblance between father and son was striking. Especially when they both had their hair slicked back and matching red shirts. 

“Good,” the boy said with a firm nod, his arms around Spike’s neck. 

Great, disaster averted. From there, getting out of the house was a breeze, only disrupted by the slight problem of finding the car keys (refrigerator, top shelf, don’t ask). The campus was a bit too crowded for his taste, and he almost got worried about finding a good spot before he saw his dad standing in the middle of the rows of chairs set up in front of the stage. Spike raised his hand and waved. Rupe’s face lit up when he finally saw them, his joy only overshadowed of that of his grandson. Billy loved his grandparents and Spike was happy to admit it made his life easier, knowing hat a good, nay—great, babysitter was always just around the corner. 

A quick hug with his mother, a slap on the back with his father, and then he was ready. As ready as he was going to get, anyway. He sat down on the red plastic folding chair and wiped his sweaty palms on his nice trousers. They had made it, and with a few minutes to spare as well. Spike looked around, seeing the familiar faces around him. Tara, Willow, Anya and Xander, and even Oz, all filling up the row. Two empty places were left just to the right of his mother, but then he could already see Angel excusing his way through the crowd, his girlfriend making apologetic smiles as they got in the way of the audience just as the band started with the impressive music. Spike was pretty sure it was the magic of Cordy’s smile that took away the grumpiness of the people whose toes Angel stepped on as they made their way to the empty chairs. 

One of the many things Spike would add to his things to be grateful for come Thanksgiving, if he ever made such a list, (and he wouldn’t), would be that his son had not inherited his own restlessness. Halfway through the ceremony and Spike was unconsciously drumming up a new beat, making Tara squeeze his left knee to make the trembling of his leg stop, but Billy was happily relaxed in his grandmother’s lap, following the ceremony with interest. Or at least what counted as interest in the life of a three-year-old, which meant whispered questions about the cars that drove by on the road just behind the stage, or why everyone wore such strange clothes, or if the girl in front of them really had green hair for real. Spike forced himself to take a deep breath, slowly releasing it. Once again, he scanned the heads of the crowd in front of them. He still hadn’t seen her.

“A little more to the left, fourth row,” Tara whispered in his ear. He followed her directions, and… Yes. There she was. The love of his life, the mother of his child. He leaned forward, trying to get a better view, and then she turned her head. She smiled at him, and he felt his own cheeks strain when he returned it with what he was sure was definitely categorized as a goofy grin. Quickly stealing his son back from his parents, he pointed in Buffy’s direction, making sure the boy saw his mother.

Ah, there it was. The look on Buffy’s face when she saw him and Billy together. He knew the sound that usually went with that face had lots of a:s in it. 

“You know that’s definitely not playing fair,” Tara lightly scolded him as Buffy made the person sitting next to her turn around to look at her son. The friend definitely got the “aw”-face as well.

“Couldn’t get him to wear the white shirt,” Spike admitted. “Besides, didn’t you once tell me that fair has very little to do with love?” 

“No, I don’t think so,” his friend said with a smile. “No, can’t remember at all.” 

He gave her a light shove, making her giggle, before he tried to focus on the ceremony again. Most of it boring, but all worth it to see his girlfriend walk up on stage and shake the hand of the dean. To see her smile and turn to meet his eyes. To stand up and clap until his hands hurt.

To be the one by her side. 

Afterwards, they waited for her by the large tree where they usually met up for outdoor lunches. Where they had used to meet up, Spike reminded himself. No more college days for Buffy. Billy saw her first, tugging his hand free from his father’s as he almost remembered to ask permission to run to his mother. 

Buffy swept the little boy up in her arms. Spike put his hands in his pockets as he walked towards them, making sure the small box was still safe in his left pocket. 

The next stage of their life was about to start. He couldn’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you who read this entire thing! :) Feedback is always appreciated.


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